Rabbi v. therapist, grandparents bearing gifts, I want my son's teacher for a sister-in-law
By Wendy Belzberg
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
My husband and I have hit a rough patch in our marriage and we both agree
that we need help. I suggested we go see a couples' therapist. He insists we
talk to our rabbi, instead. What would you recommend?
Congratulations. Not only have you discovered a brand new topic to fight
about, you have avoided getting into counseling. Keep up the good work and
you'll be sitting on opposite sides of a lawyer's conference table.
Accommodate each other by interviewing both the rabbi and the therapist.
Rabbis are under-consulted; they have expert skills beyond their ability to
manage capital campaigns. Consider the Rabbi's qualifications, his ability to
make a long-term commitment (are sessions bumped for funerals, brisses and
community emergencies) and his past success rates.
Then go into therapy with a couples' therapist. Would you go to a general
practitioner if you were diagnosed with breast cancer? Therapists are
specifically trained to treat couples in crisis. Your marriage is in trouble.
Don't take any chances: seek help from the best. (The Queen of England didn't
take chances when it came to Charles' circumcision. She hired a mohel.)
* * *
My mother-in-law would argue that it is a grandparent's right to give their
grandchildren everything their parents will not. (When my sons sleep over at
her house they eat cake and ice cream for breakfast with several helpings of
candy for snack. Definitely against all of my values.) But I have decided
that the special relationship my children have with their grandparents far
outweighs my dietary concerns. I know many people who land on therapists'
couches discussing their parents' shortcomings; I don't know anyone who seeks
help in resolving their grandparents' excesses.
That said, if you truly view your in-laws' behavior as excessive, not merely
indulgent, it doesn't matter which one of you tells them so as long as it is
clear that you are in agreement. Your in-laws may be offended or hurt, but
your concerns for your children and what's best for them come first. Have a
direct and honest conversation with them. You can't expect your in-laws to
read your mind.
* * *
He is your ex-husband, but he is not your son's ex-father. Whatever goes on
between your son and his father is no longer any of your business. The whole
point of being divorced is that he never has to speak to you again. I don't
know what part, if any, your wish to control your husband's actions and
behavior may have played in the dissolution of your marriage. But I warn you,
back off if you don't want to end up in the same situation with your son.
* * *
If your track record for fix-ups was indeed perfect, I think I would have
heard of you. But let's just suppose your brother and this teacher do happen
to be perfectly suited. Your daily scrutiny as you drop your son at school,
not to mention the treatment this teacher may receive from your son and his
classmates, may be more pressure than any relationship could withstand.
You're a thoughtful sister, but are you willing to endanger your son's GPA if
the relationship ends badly?
I would wait to play matchmaker until the academic year is over. Both have
been single this long. Another 7 or 8 months won't
10/24/00: Let him enlist?, 'My son the actor'? Eating with the 'help'
10/10/00:Tipsy teens, protective spouses, kosher common-sense
10/03/00: I'm not Jewish --- not that there's anything wrong with it; mezuza machlokes; when granddad has cancer
09/25/00: I can't take Rosh Hashanah! Something for nothing? My husband needs a dinner mate
09/18/00: 'My kids' Jewish education stinks', boyfriend bandit, and single mother not by choice
09/11/00: Bris brouhaha breaks my heart, LET ME SLEEP! --- and Why can't I hold a job?
09/05/00: Righteous anger, 'dissed' daughter --- and how not to make a match
08/21/00: When one spouse becomes more religious than the other; "But the cleaning lady is part of the family!"; Why He invented 9-month gestation periods
08/21/00: 'Fessing up to granny about abandoning one's people, non-kosher sis-in-law, and 'my niece is marrying a loser'
08/14/00: Marrying 'in' for questionable motivations; Should a do-gooder be reimbursed?
08/07/00: Communing with the clouds, betrothal, and banishing bosses
07/28/00: Small-city guys, self-centered siblings
07/21/00: When a child takes religion seriously, marriage obsession, and guests who just don't get it
07/14/00: Divorcing brother-in-law, uncampy kids, and a dot.comer who makes it big time
07/07/00: Hypocrites, reality checks, and the 'real estate challenged'