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Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 2000/ 3 Teves, 5761
Marianne M. Jennings
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
THE YEAR 2000 began with great disappointment. Y2K fears had driven
otherwise prudent souls and even some Massachusetts Democrats into bomb
shelters stocked with Ovaltine, shotgun shells and generators for VCRs. They
emerged with egg on their faces, albeit powdered, for even backward nations
with Spencer Tracy "Desk Set" computers entered the millennium flawlessly.
But 2000 was not without its computer fiascos, all inflicted by pierced
youth. Using e-mails with titles adults found necessary to open at work,
i.e., ILOVEYOU, one young man wreaked havoc on civilization by shutting down
eBay for a day. The market for black velvet paintings of dogs playing poker
took an unprecedented dive. Total damage caused by the ILOVEYOU virus was
estimated at $3 billion, a figure exceeded only by Arizona's tab for its alt
fuel tax credit program. When the Melissa virus shut down amazon.com, we
retreated to pride in our nuclear security at Los Alamos.
When we learned the Chinese were downloading the Los Alamos secrets
through Napster, we focused on our foreign policy strength. Children found
floating in the Atlantic off the coast of Florida were promptly returned to
totalitarian states to enjoy daily brainwashing and milk once each week.
Elian Gonzalez captured the world's heart and a lot of loot from Disney World
and his Miami relatives before Janet Reno and armed guards captured him from
a closet in a Little Havana home. U.S. Marshals staged a strategic seizure
of the lad from the arms of the Elian's original rescuer, a fisherman and
formidable foe who looked as if chemotherapy failed him.
Mr. Clinton then single-handedly brought peace to the Middle East in the
form of street fighting, the bombing of U.S. ships, and disruption of the
Israeli government.
Our true strength, gender wars, continued in various forms, particularly
in Vermont. Via judicial imperialism, civil unions were blessed and beds,
breakfasts and gay marriages became the mantra of Vermont chambers of
commerce. Richard Hatch, the survivor of Survivor, showed the world he was
gay, in addition to all of his body parts, and emerged the victor in TV's
show about conniving losers who could take six weeks off to eat rats on rice.
Speaking of TV losers, Darva Conger married a millionaire unemployed
comedian. Seeking restoration of her privacy, Ms. Conger posed nude.
There were internal genders wars at the Olympics with steroids responsible
for much of the confusion. Dr. Laura Schlessinger incurred the wrath of gay
and lesbian activists because she relies on scripture and nature as her
higher authorities. Ms. Gloria Steinem committed the ultimate feminist faux
pas by marrying a guy (with bucks, no less) at the home of her friend, Wilma
Mankiller.
The 2000 presidential race, begun in earnest when Al Gore was born in
1948, plodded along with John McCain's constituency, the media, crestfallen
when McCain's Truth Express derailed in South Carolina. Al Gore defeated
Bill Bradley handily with a makeup wand, earth tones and tall tales of his
adventures as inventor of the Internet, inspiration for Love Story, and
holder of the lock box.
Bobby Knight was expelled from Indiana University for slapping kids
around. His arrogance in running a basketball program free of cheating
outraged university trustees who insisted on a new-age coach - one
experienced in recruiting felons.
Hillary Clinton announced her run for the Senate in New York in January
2000. Hillary Clinton then purchased a home in Chappaqua to get around pesky
constitutional residency requirements. Rudy Giuliani, Mrs. Clinton's
original opponent, struck with cancer and a Jerry Springer-worthy divorce,
slunk away. Little Ricky Lazio was Mrs. Clinton's final opponent, but,
lacking sufficient black pantsuits, was defeated.
The media filled their McCain void when Mr. Gore took time out from
writing Harry Potter to name Sen. Joseph Lieberman as his running mate on
August 7, 2000. Mr. Lieberman placed all of his previously held convictions
in a lock box on August 8, 2000 where they could emerge only if he returned
to the Senate and required credibility.
Nasdaq behaved much like an Explorer with Firestone tires, doing several
loop the loops before bottoming out at about 88 cents per share. Gen-Xers
whined, "So, like this economic stuff is bogus. I'm all . . . I may have to
get a new wardrobe and a real job." Al Gore finally said the same thing six
weeks after losing the election to chad.
As 2001 begins, W. prepares for his presidency, Mrs. Clinton prepares to
spend an $8 million advance, Robert Downey, Jr. prepares to go to prison, and
the media brace themselves for the void the departing Clinton circus leaves.
Sex, lies and recounts are tough to top. Cheney cholesterol levels and
Crawford, Texas can't hold a candle to Monica, Whitewater and the White House
as a bedroom community. Could Milosevic demand a recount? Mr. Gore already
has his first union endorsement for 2004. The weight-challenged womyn never
sings - the media won't let
12/23/00: Litigation: It's the American way
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