Jewish World Review June 2, 2000/ 28 Iyar, 5760
Marianne M. Jennings
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- CANADIAN MOUNTIES have lacked credibility since Nelson Eddy, clad in a red Nehru jacket, crooned to Jeanette MacDonald, "When I'm calling you," with the "you" stretched mercilessly into "youhoohooooo." Moose emerged from the forest primeval to query, "What is that noise?"
But, civilian Canadian conduct over the past few months has made Jeanette and Nelson look positively cerebral, despite the yodeling. Even the moose are skittish. Our neighbors to the north have been wearing their toques too tight, as manifest by lunges into decadence, Communism and general nuttiness.
On International Women's Day, Montreal's Catholic basilica, Marie-Reine-du-Monde, was spray-painted with anti- religion slogans. The personable women smeared church paintings with used sanitary napkins and treated emerging worshipers to condom showers, all to protest Roman Catholic opposition to abortion. Worse than their conduct was the Canadian newspaper coverage of the desecration ---a few words buried in the classified ads section featuring services favored by Charlie Sheen, Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy.
Not to be outdone on hate speech (although only that not involving sanitary napkins), the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council (CBSC) issued an edict on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's radio show. Dr. Laura's discussion of "religiously-derived views" on homosexuality was offensive to the CBSC.
Heaven forbid, as it were, that we develop views because of our faith! The CBSC now requires the 30 Canadian stations carrying Dr. Laura's show to censor her remarks because, "[w]e respect freedom of speech but do not worship it. It is significant, but not absolute; material, but not free of that compromise essential to ensure a balanced and free democracy."
Prohibiting free expression preserves freedom? But, the CBSC was only warming up, "The sexual practices of gays and lesbians are as much a part of their being as the colour (note goofy Canadian spelling) of one's skin or the gender, religion, age or ethnicity of an individual." How did the council decide against religion when it places it in the same class?
One final CBSC statement is a doozy, evidence of a Canadian coup d'etat on brain power north of Lake Erie, "[w]hether or not Americans are so protected in their country is a non-issue for CBSC. Gays and lesbians are protected in this country." Dear CBSC, we hicks down under surrendered San Francisco to gays a decade ago. Top that, you spawners of Celine Dion.
Not satisfied with challenging Americans to a duel on homosexuals, Canadians have moved into the regulation of scents. Nova Scotia has a "No Scents Is Good Sense" campaign that bans fragrances in public. Halifax boasts that 80% of its schools are scent-free. Fools. No public school is scent free. Mustard gas smells better than a room of third graders. Flies breed on fourth graders following recess. Prince Edward Island fishermen unions joined with the government to ban scents. Fishermen have some nerve lobbying on smells. Between this and mandatory French in Montreal, American tourists wearing Clinique's "Happy," cologne and asking, "What exactly is a rue?" will be beaten senseless, or pelted with personal hygiene devices.
The socialist nation to the north is a danger because it has become an idyllic symbol for the liberals here. As Canada goes, so goes the U.S. Law professor Catharine MacKinnon's radical writings on sexual harassment were first taken up by Canadian courts and then migrated south. Comparable worth wages, designed to evaporate free market pricing, made their way down to Seattle. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Voo-Doo Clinton has touted the Canadian pricing of prescription drugs as the model for the U.S.
Mrs. Clinton and other liberals breaking into "Oh, Canada" need a slap across the face with some back bacon. Under a prescription price control system, Canadians have experienced rationed prescriptions, mandatory government approval for all prescriptions, and years' waits from the time a drug is available in the United States before their government formulary permits its use. For patients hoping for new cancer and AIDS drugs, the wait is a death sentence.
This infatuation with Canada belies their Spartan surroundings, high prices and affection for Communists. Check out Canadian prices on book jackets. Understand that Canadians make up the bulk of Cuba's tourist pie and that Canadian TV runs Castro propaganda films without a word of CBSC protest. Canadian firms doing business in Cuba know 50 cents of the $9 per day wages actually make it to the Cuban laborers' pockets. Scent-free policies must prohibit sweatshop protests in Ottawa. Deporting little Elian is our first step in parroting Canadian affection for Cuba and totalitarianism.
Our friends to the north are socialists who drift aimlessly from
secession over "parlez-vous francais?" to capital punishment for Chanel No.
5. These are folks with a little too much time on their hands ---largely
because of high unemployment. They taunt the U.S and we take it because we
need British Columbia skiing. But, we should not fall for their socialist
ploys. When they are calling us, unlike Jeanette and Nelson, don't answer.
Even the moose understand
05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach