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Jewish World Review June 2, 2000/ 28 Iyar, 5760

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
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Oh, Canada: Our Nutty Neighbors to the North -- CANADIAN MOUNTIES have lacked credibility since Nelson Eddy, clad in a red Nehru jacket, crooned to Jeanette MacDonald, "When I'm calling you," with the "you" stretched mercilessly into "youhoohooooo." Moose emerged from the forest primeval to query, "What is that noise?"

But, civilian Canadian conduct over the past few months has made Jeanette and Nelson look positively cerebral, despite the yodeling. Even the moose are skittish. Our neighbors to the north have been wearing their toques too tight, as manifest by lunges into decadence, Communism and general nuttiness.

On International Women's Day, Montreal's Catholic basilica, Marie-Reine-du-Monde, was spray-painted with anti- religion slogans. The personable women smeared church paintings with used sanitary napkins and treated emerging worshipers to condom showers, all to protest Roman Catholic opposition to abortion. Worse than their conduct was the Canadian newspaper coverage of the desecration ---a few words buried in the classified ads section featuring services favored by Charlie Sheen, Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy.

Not to be outdone on hate speech (although only that not involving sanitary napkins), the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council (CBSC) issued an edict on Dr. Laura Schlessinger's radio show. Dr. Laura's discussion of "religiously-derived views" on homosexuality was offensive to the CBSC.

Heaven forbid, as it were, that we develop views because of our faith! The CBSC now requires the 30 Canadian stations carrying Dr. Laura's show to censor her remarks because, "[w]e respect freedom of speech but do not worship it. It is significant, but not absolute; material, but not free of that compromise essential to ensure a balanced and free democracy."

Prohibiting free expression preserves freedom? But, the CBSC was only warming up, "The sexual practices of gays and lesbians are as much a part of their being as the colour (note goofy Canadian spelling) of one's skin or the gender, religion, age or ethnicity of an individual." How did the council decide against religion when it places it in the same class?

One final CBSC statement is a doozy, evidence of a Canadian coup d'etat on brain power north of Lake Erie, "[w]hether or not Americans are so protected in their country is a non-issue for CBSC. Gays and lesbians are protected in this country." Dear CBSC, we hicks down under surrendered San Francisco to gays a decade ago. Top that, you spawners of Celine Dion.

Not satisfied with challenging Americans to a duel on homosexuals, Canadians have moved into the regulation of scents. Nova Scotia has a "No Scents Is Good Sense" campaign that bans fragrances in public. Halifax boasts that 80% of its schools are scent-free. Fools. No public school is scent free. Mustard gas smells better than a room of third graders. Flies breed on fourth graders following recess. Prince Edward Island fishermen unions joined with the government to ban scents. Fishermen have some nerve lobbying on smells. Between this and mandatory French in Montreal, American tourists wearing Clinique's "Happy," cologne and asking, "What exactly is a rue?" will be beaten senseless, or pelted with personal hygiene devices.

The socialist nation to the north is a danger because it has become an idyllic symbol for the liberals here. As Canada goes, so goes the U.S. Law professor Catharine MacKinnon's radical writings on sexual harassment were first taken up by Canadian courts and then migrated south. Comparable worth wages, designed to evaporate free market pricing, made their way down to Seattle. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Voo-Doo Clinton has touted the Canadian pricing of prescription drugs as the model for the U.S.

Mrs. Clinton and other liberals breaking into "Oh, Canada" need a slap across the face with some back bacon. Under a prescription price control system, Canadians have experienced rationed prescriptions, mandatory government approval for all prescriptions, and years' waits from the time a drug is available in the United States before their government formulary permits its use. For patients hoping for new cancer and AIDS drugs, the wait is a death sentence.

This infatuation with Canada belies their Spartan surroundings, high prices and affection for Communists. Check out Canadian prices on book jackets. Understand that Canadians make up the bulk of Cuba's tourist pie and that Canadian TV runs Castro propaganda films without a word of CBSC protest. Canadian firms doing business in Cuba know 50 cents of the $9 per day wages actually make it to the Cuban laborers' pockets. Scent-free policies must prohibit sweatshop protests in Ottawa. Deporting little Elian is our first step in parroting Canadian affection for Cuba and totalitarianism.

Our friends to the north are socialists who drift aimlessly from secession over "parlez-vous francais?" to capital punishment for Chanel No. 5. These are folks with a little too much time on their hands ---largely because of high unemployment. They taunt the U.S and we take it because we need British Columbia skiing. But, we should not fall for their socialist ploys. When they are calling us, unlike Jeanette and Nelson, don't answer. Even the moose understand that.

JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.


05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach
05/16/00: On adultery and leadership
05/12/00: Taking your lumps
05/02/00: Elian: There's never a liberal around when you need one
04/25/00: Life's circle and tenderness
04/18/00: Womyn who want it both ways
04/11/00: The monsters we're raising with the ergo proposition
04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation
03/28/00: Dr. Laura: The passive/aggressive kid's mom
03/21/00: Dough and campaigns
03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp
03/07/00: Hope and pray that religion remains a force in politics
02/29/00: Ditzes in TV Land
02/22/00: Cranky nitpickers make writing a [sic] experience
02/15/00: Those chameleon 60s activists
02/08/00: McCandidate McCain: Flirting with principles
02/01/00: The demise of marriage
01/25/00: Stroke of the pen, law of the land: Clinton's Camelot
01/18/00: Off the Rocker Rorschach Test
01/11/00: Oprah's lemmings
01/04/00: Struggling mightily amidst the comfort
12/23/99: Confused fathers
12/14/99: Drop-kicking the homeless
12/07/99: Turtles and teamsters, side-by-side in Seattle
11/29/99: When conservatives behave badly
11/22/99: Compassionate conservative: Timing and targets
11/18/99: The elusive human spirit and accountability
11/11/99: Succumbing to the intellectual child within with the help of crackpots and screwballs
10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation
10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah
10/14/99: Inequality and injustice: It's the big one
10/05/99: Dan Quayle, morals and schoolyard bullies
09/30/99: The monsters of epidermal parenting
09/21/99: The Diversity Hoax
09/15/99: Waco Wackos
09/09/99: Selective censorship
09/01/99: The village, the children, judicial imperialism and abortion
08/24/99: Naughty Newt?
08/17/99: In defense of Boy Scouts and judgment
08/10/99: Ruining the finest health care system in the world
08/03/99: Nihilism and politics: ethics on the lam
07/26/99: Of women, soccer and removed jerseys
07/23/99: Not in despair, a mere mortal doing just fine
07/20/99: "Why me?" How about "Why us?"
07/13/99: Bunk, junk & juries
07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store
06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment
06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first
06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup
06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles

© 2000, Marianne M. Jennings