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Jewish World Review Oct. 27, 2000/ 28 Tishrei, 5761

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
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Consumer Reports

Al in the package? Memo to women: Choosing presidents and husbands -- AL GORE'S airbrushed package (a Gen X term for what were once private parts) is featured in his cover mug for this month's Rolling Stone magazine. Bill Clinton's boxers-vs.-brief- MTV-debate looks positively cerebral now.

The last-minute Gore appeal to the Rolling Stone readers is foolish.

This crowd is not prone to showing up at voting booths. Their above-the-fray attitude classifies voting as plebian. They do meaningful volunteer work with, say, Ecofeminists for Muskrats. Gore's crackerjack strategist, daughter Karenna Gore Schiff, is, no doubt, behind the Rolling Stone coup d' goo-loos.

Mrs. Schiff's thoughts on the economy, "What if we were the leading exporter of ways to clean up the environment?" Goodbye, Kyoto Treaty!

The Gore jewels got those daft broads of "The View," the television series with Barbara Walters and three feebs in platform shoes, clucking. Couple this on-air tete 'a te about the VP's lock box with the suit by that brat at Duke for her female privates being ousted from the Duke football team and locker room, and I must once again offer to surrender women's suffrage.

Soccer moms, bowling bimbos, bingo babes, prescription prissys and every other breed of dimwitted female have been courted by desperate politicians who make you want to scream, "Show a little dignity! Castro is only 90 miles away, the Chinese have most of our nuclear secrets, and Jim Carrey in buck teeth looks more threatening."

Do we blame the candidates or the women for this mental debauchery? One can hardly fault Mr. Gore for trying - his Tipper mouth-to-mouth gave him 3 weeks of favorables and a lead in the polls. Women apparently choose presidents the way they choose bad first husbands. Women put Bill Clinton in office and, just ask Hill, he is one bad first husband. Some tips for women on selecting a husband and a president:

If they lie to you during courtship, whoppers await in marriage. Mr. Gore has claimed he and Tipper were the role models for the novel Love Story (author Erich Segal says it isn't so), that he invented the Internet, that he discovered the problems of Love Canal, that students in Florida are SRO in their classrooms, that he, Smokey the Bear and James Witt, head of FEMA, hover over forest fires together, and that his children made the decision independently to fly to St. Louis for his third and final debate. Mr. Gore has a mint condition Rambler driven only on Sundays by a little old lady that he wants to sell to you, too. The little old lady drove her can-toting Winnebago the rest of the week.

If they don't tell you the whole truth, it counts as lying. Mr. Gore says that he cut the size of federal government by 300,000 employees. He neglected to mention that 87% of those cuts were in the military. Mr. Gore spun the "undecideds" in St. Louis, who seemed largely incapable of reading their own questions from cards let alone making a decision, with tales of cutting taxes. If $116 is a tax cut, he told the truth.

If they cheat on you before marriage, they'll do it after the vows. Mr. Gore offers to get tough with Hollywood if you elect him. Take a gander at the transcript of a meeting among and between Tipper and Al and the Hollywood moguls during Al's 1988 presidential campaign fund-raising, printed in Variety. Groveling is a charitable description. Tipper called her campaign against obscene lyrics a lapse in judgment and both promised it would never happen again. Just a month ago, Gore and Lieberman accepted funds from a Hollywood partying crowd that ridiculed everything from religion to Republicans.

If they are not polite before the wedding, don't count on decorum afterwards.

Mr. Gore's behavior in the debates would bring discipline to the five-year-old in our home. Wait until absolute power corrupts absolutely. If he talks about "his" money, he will be the controlling fiscal authority. Mr. Gore speaks of the surplus as if it is government property, not yours.

Beware the husband who hoards the money "he" worked for. You'll not see a dime afterwards.

If he doesn't pay attention to details before the marriage, he'll be AWOL after. During the 8 years of the Clinton/Gore tag team, the Middle East has erupted because of their sophomoric diplomacy and a powerful hankering for the Nobel spotlight. This month we witnessed a Navy ship trying to gas up in a port controlled by a nation of crazies who are hostile to the United States, particularly during legacy-building peace demands. Sacrifice the military for personal glory. The devil is in the details and in Al.

You can't change a man with marriage. Marry a man who is comfortable with himself and not fulfilled only by worldly accolades. If George Bush loses, he will go back to the ranch, the pick-up, and the dog a happy soul. If Al Gore loses, the rug-cutting Tipper will be whipping her camera about shooting Clinically Depressed Al.

Vote like you're choosing a good husband. Don't vote for a package deal.

JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.


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08/18/00: Resenting the accusations of racial prejudice
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04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation
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03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp
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10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation
10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah
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07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store
06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment
06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first
06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup
06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles

© 2000, Marianne M. Jennings