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Jewish World Review Nov. 20, 2000/ 22 Mar-Cheshvan, 5761
Marianne M. Jennings
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
COME HELL or high water, with the former being the more likely, Prince
Albert will be the next president of the United States. Please, put us out
of our MSNBC misery now so that we may cease screaming at our appliances at
every news update. Republicans cannot win this street battle with the
diabolical. In the interest of the nation's systolic blood pressure,
surrender to the Gore forces now. Defeat is but a matter of time, litigation
and vote recounts. You got to know when to fold them.
This all reminds me of the Iran Hostage Crisis of 1979. Ted Koppel
launched a career as we watched each night hoping for their release. But,
each night nuttier people showed up on camera and the interviews with the
truly odd irritated even household pets' ears. Soon we hit Day 272. There
was no resolution until the next presidential election. Is Florida any
different? The nutty people are in the streets, led by Jesse Jackson, the
interviews feature women from Palm Beach with Joan Crawford eyebrows and CNBC
will be covering the 2004 New Hampshire primaries while Dade County continues
the hand counts of what will surely be chad-free ballots by that time.
Republicans' blind optimism gets in the way of surrender. The Florida
Supreme Court, a group of seven Democrats who are judicial activists and
issue unanimous opinions 80 percent of the time, has just seized the
presidential election. Not only will this court find a way to declare Al
Gore the winner, they may issue a writ of execution for Katherine Harris, the
Florida secretary of state. Watch for the words, "Off with her head!" in
their ruling. If David Boies, formerly Microsoft's nemesis and now rattling
and prattling about the crowned prince's rights under the Constitution, plays
his cards right, the Florida court might include Antonin Scalia and Clarence
Thomas in the execution writ to thwart any ideas the Supremes may have about
entering the fray to toss democracy back into Florida. Jurisdiction and
justiciability, two of your basic requirements for appellate intervention,
have not been hurdles for Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy and the other four stalwarts
of southern jurisprudence, Democrat-style. Republicans trudge onward with
about the same chance for success in the Florida Supreme Court as Eminem has
for a hit in Amish country.
Republican optimism may be the result of axiomatic and definitional
confusion. Any time a Democrat spouts an axiom about "the American people"
or "what the American people want," Republicans are going down in flames. If
Democrats invoke "for the children," no opposition strategy will work. Our
boy president darted around adultery, sex and perjury by invoking "getting
back to work for the American people." Republicans never laid a glove on
him. Mr. Gore explained last week, in his very best third-grade-teacher
voice, that the battle for the presidency and the 262 pending lawsuits
(Eastern time) are good lessons for the children. Goodbye, Florida electors.
Definitionally, the Republicans are clueless and would perhaps give up
the good fight if they understood the following:
"partisan hack" - any Republican with a state government position
"fair and objective official" - any Democrat in charge
"crook" - anyone who disagrees with Alan Dershowitz
"crook who got away with murder" - anyone Alan Dershowitz defends
"every vote must be counted" - lingo for recounting until enough chads are
born to elect Al Gore
"invalid ballots" - votes for George W. Bush
"disenfranchised" - Democrats too dumb to punch a ballot
"butterfly ballot" - ballots too difficult for Democrats to punch
"Paul Begala" - Democrat Republicans would like to punch
"overseas ballots" - invalid ballots
"overseas voters" - disenfranchised Republicans
"fair and accurate count" -- a count in which Al Gore wins
"Republican counties and precincts" - error-free voting areas
"voting machine" - something found in the trunk of Democrat's cars,
post-election
"our democracy is at stake" - Al Gore needs to be president
"Ralph Nader" - election spoiler with an ego
"Ross Perot" - evidence of democracy at work and the evolution of a third
party
"Bill Daley" - defender of the huddled masses who can't punch a ballot
"Huddled masses" - Palm Beach voters
"Florida Supreme Court" - Mr. Gore just won the election.
Please, halt the cruel and unusual punishment. End the fracas now for the
outcome is a fait accompli. When the deck is stacked, with chad-filled
cards, even the pure in heart can't
11/17/00: On being a statesman
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