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Jewish World Review Nov. 20, 2000/ 22 Mar-Cheshvan, 5761

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
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Put me out of my misery -- COME HELL or high water, with the former being the more likely, Prince Albert will be the next president of the United States. Please, put us out of our MSNBC misery now so that we may cease screaming at our appliances at every news update. Republicans cannot win this street battle with the diabolical. In the interest of the nation's systolic blood pressure, surrender to the Gore forces now. Defeat is but a matter of time, litigation and vote recounts. You got to know when to fold them.

This all reminds me of the Iran Hostage Crisis of 1979. Ted Koppel launched a career as we watched each night hoping for their release. But, each night nuttier people showed up on camera and the interviews with the truly odd irritated even household pets' ears. Soon we hit Day 272. There was no resolution until the next presidential election. Is Florida any different? The nutty people are in the streets, led by Jesse Jackson, the interviews feature women from Palm Beach with Joan Crawford eyebrows and CNBC will be covering the 2004 New Hampshire primaries while Dade County continues the hand counts of what will surely be chad-free ballots by that time.

Republicans' blind optimism gets in the way of surrender. The Florida Supreme Court, a group of seven Democrats who are judicial activists and issue unanimous opinions 80 percent of the time, has just seized the presidential election. Not only will this court find a way to declare Al Gore the winner, they may issue a writ of execution for Katherine Harris, the Florida secretary of state. Watch for the words, "Off with her head!" in their ruling. If David Boies, formerly Microsoft's nemesis and now rattling and prattling about the crowned prince's rights under the Constitution, plays his cards right, the Florida court might include Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas in the execution writ to thwart any ideas the Supremes may have about entering the fray to toss democracy back into Florida. Jurisdiction and justiciability, two of your basic requirements for appellate intervention, have not been hurdles for Sleepy, Happy, Grumpy and the other four stalwarts of southern jurisprudence, Democrat-style. Republicans trudge onward with about the same chance for success in the Florida Supreme Court as Eminem has for a hit in Amish country.

Republican optimism may be the result of axiomatic and definitional confusion. Any time a Democrat spouts an axiom about "the American people" or "what the American people want," Republicans are going down in flames. If Democrats invoke "for the children," no opposition strategy will work. Our boy president darted around adultery, sex and perjury by invoking "getting back to work for the American people." Republicans never laid a glove on him. Mr. Gore explained last week, in his very best third-grade-teacher voice, that the battle for the presidency and the 262 pending lawsuits (Eastern time) are good lessons for the children. Goodbye, Florida electors.

Definitionally, the Republicans are clueless and would perhaps give up the good fight if they understood the following:

"partisan hack" - any Republican with a state government position

"fair and objective official" - any Democrat in charge

"crook" - anyone who disagrees with Alan Dershowitz

"crook who got away with murder" - anyone Alan Dershowitz defends

"every vote must be counted" - lingo for recounting until enough chads are born to elect Al Gore

"invalid ballots" - votes for George W. Bush

"disenfranchised" - Democrats too dumb to punch a ballot

"butterfly ballot" - ballots too difficult for Democrats to punch

"Paul Begala" - Democrat Republicans would like to punch

"overseas ballots" - invalid ballots

"overseas voters" - disenfranchised Republicans

"fair and accurate count" -- a count in which Al Gore wins

"Republican counties and precincts" - error-free voting areas

"voting machine" - something found in the trunk of Democrat's cars, post-election

"our democracy is at stake" - Al Gore needs to be president

"Ralph Nader" - election spoiler with an ego

"Ross Perot" - evidence of democracy at work and the evolution of a third party

"Bill Daley" - defender of the huddled masses who can't punch a ballot

"Huddled masses" - Palm Beach voters

"Florida Supreme Court" - Mr. Gore just won the election.

Please, halt the cruel and unusual punishment. End the fracas now for the outcome is a fait accompli. When the deck is stacked, with chad-filled cards, even the pure in heart can't win.

JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.


11/17/00: On being a statesman
11/13/00: When it's broke, fixing it wouldn't offend the Framers
11/08/00: ELECTION 2000: I SURRENDER
10/27/00: Al in the package? Memo to women: Choosing presidents and husbands
10/20/00: Ten things the gay community should understand
10/13/00: "You Have a Lump."
10/06/00: The government as the pharmacy: Don't
09/29/00: The capacity for truth
09/22/00: Charity with strings and an agenda
09/15/00: The taming of the shrew: Gloria Steinem takes a husband
09/09/00: Why rich folk don't bother me none
08/28/00: Survival of the not-so-fit but conniving
08/25/00: Conventions: A study in contrasts
08/18/00: Resenting the accusations of racial prejudice
08/04/00: Women: Their own worst enemy
07/21/00: Hillary: Our longshoreman First Lady
07/21/00: SUVs: The root of all evil
07/14/00: The basketball gene and white men not jumping so well
07/07/00: I wanna be around
06/23/00: The liberal conversion
06/14/00: Sex and the City: The shallow but vulgar female
06/08/00: No excuses schools
06/02/00: Oh, Canada: Our Nutty Neighbors to the North
05/23/00: The new mollycoddling coach
05/16/00: On adultery and leadership
05/12/00: Taking your lumps
05/02/00: Elian: There's never a liberal around when you need one
04/25/00: Life's circle and tenderness
04/18/00: Womyn who want it both ways
04/11/00: The monsters we're raising with the ergo proposition
04/05/00: Endowing the Hooters Chair for Literature Appreciation
03/28/00: Dr. Laura: The passive/aggressive kid's mom
03/21/00: Dough and campaigns
03/14/00: The volunteerism of conscription and pomp
03/07/00: Hope and pray that religion remains a force in politics
02/29/00: Ditzes in TV Land
02/22/00: Cranky nitpickers make writing a [sic] experience
02/15/00: Those chameleon 60s activists
02/08/00: McCandidate McCain: Flirting with principles
02/01/00: The demise of marriage
01/25/00: Stroke of the pen, law of the land: Clinton's Camelot
01/18/00: Off the Rocker Rorschach Test
01/11/00: Oprah's lemmings
01/04/00: Struggling mightily amidst the comfort
12/23/99: Confused fathers
12/14/99: Drop-kicking the homeless
12/07/99: Turtles and teamsters, side-by-side in Seattle
11/29/99: When conservatives behave badly
11/22/99: Compassionate conservative: Timing and targets
11/18/99: The elusive human spirit and accountability
11/11/99: Succumbing to the intellectual child within with the help of crackpots and screwballs
10/28/99: Live by litigation, die by litigation
10/22/99: Jesse, Warren, Cybill, Donald and Oprah
10/14/99: Inequality and injustice: It's the big one
10/05/99: Dan Quayle, morals and schoolyard bullies
09/30/99: The monsters of epidermal parenting
09/21/99: The Diversity Hoax
09/15/99: Waco Wackos
09/09/99: Selective censorship
09/01/99: The village, the children, judicial imperialism and abortion
08/24/99: Naughty Newt?
08/17/99: In defense of Boy Scouts and judgment
08/10/99: Ruining the finest health care system in the world
08/03/99: Nihilism and politics: ethics on the lam
07/26/99: Of women, soccer and removed jerseys
07/23/99: Not in despair, a mere mortal doing just fine
07/20/99: "Why me?" How about "Why us?"
07/13/99: Bunk, junk & juries
07/06/99: An Amish woman in a Victoria's Secret store
06/30/99: That intellectually embarrassing Second Amendment
06/24/99: Patricia Ireland eat your heart out --- but check out the recipe in 'women's mags' first
06/22/99: Dems and the Creator coup
06/17/99: True courage is more than just admitting troubles

© 2000, Marianne M. Jennings