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Jewish World Review Nov. 8, 2000/ 10 Mar-Cheshvan, 5761
Marianne M. Jennings
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
HILLARY! is now the senator formerly known as the First Lady. The folks
in New York have taken leave of their senses, but they are not alone.
Election 2000 has been bizarre. Sheila Jackson Rodham Lee equated George W.
Bush's DUI charge in Kennebunkport 24 years ago with the Monica debauchery.
Dubya all but called himself a lush. Laura Bush, reminiscent of Katharine
Hepburn in Adam's Rib, sent clear signals that she's straightened around his
sorry behind. Politics makes for strange bedfellows, but the mattresses are
springing coils and I am exhausted.
Al Gore ran a campaign against tax cuts. Marilyn Manson endorsed Bush. Bo
Derek thinks Dubya is a 10 (not a .10). Joe Lieberman's mother campaigned in
Florida because Lieberman is busy with his new friend, Louis Farrakhan.
Ralph Nader is gay, if the San Francisco Chronicle is correct. Ross Perot
endorsed Bush, flummoxing Larry King. Larry Flynt endorsed Gore, flummoxing
Clinton who thought he was Larry's one and only. And Buckingham Palace
declined to confirm or deny a report that Queen Elizabeth enjoys singing
along with Big Mouth Billy Bass, that fish on a wooden plaque that sings Achy
Breaky Heart.
Mr. Clinton hovered like Barbara Stanwyck as Stella Dallas, the mother-in-law
with cheesy clothes, a history on the wrong side of the tracks, and a
tendency to drop ashes wherever she goes. A man whose personal approval
rating is at 27% said, on the Tom Joyner radio program, just five days before
the election, in support of his veep, "If you can't have me, you can have the
next best thing." Tipper torqued up her camera strap on that one.
Yet, despite the evening's Hillary! victory, I am chipper. One of the
benefits of being a columnist is the fodder liberals hurl my way. I also
have a spring in my step because the four-year media coverage of election
2000 now ends. I am worried, however, that Frank Luntz Putz, that pollster
of MSNBC who befriended every dolt east and west of the Mississippi, will
have a permanent position tracking undecideds. The thought of him chasing
them with that yellow line of his is more than I can bear.
The media analysis has had all the substance of packing noodles. Their take
on Florida was wrong before the election, wrong during the election reporting
and wrong in its explanation for their 7:00 PM call of the state for Gore.
During one pollster's discussion, he had Gore carrying Florida because
Floridians "care very deeply about the Everglades." The only green Florida
voters care about is the Jell-O fruit mold at the 5:00 PM discount buffet.
One-third of Florida's population turns over every four years - there's not a
lot of time for bonding with the gators and swamps. If Gore carries Florida,
it will be because they propped up folks at the voting booths in south Miami.
The only group with less depth than the media was the Hollywood groupies.
Marlo Thomas bad-mouthed Bush and Nader. Then she bad-mouthed hubby Donahue
for supporting Nader. Then the New York Times bad-mouthed Nader's spoiler
role in ruining democracy, despite its silence during the Perot bucking
bronco rides in '92 and '96. Alec Baldwin vowed to move to another country.
Barbra Streisand predicted the end of civilization if Dubya prevailed. The
star of That Girl, the producer, director and star of Yentl and Kim
Basinger's less talented half were given air time for such advice. What is
it about uneducated folks with reconstructive surgery that makes them prone
to foist their opinings upon us? I put more faith in the advice of Big Mouth
Billy Bass, who I believe is also one of the Baldwin brothers.
As Dubya and Gore chug along at 242 electorals and Florida hangs in the
balance, I hypothesize voodoo accompanies anything Clinton. Hillary!'s
original opponent, Rudy Guiliani, was stricken with cancer and a divorce that
made Meg Ryan's and Dennis Quaid's look docile. The queen of voodoo then got
Little Ricky as an opponent.
This election should not be close but the black magic is coupled with the
synergism of a Teflon resistance that graces Clintonites. Accountants,
lawyers and execs did hard time for what Mrs. Clinton pulled with Whitewater.
Mr. Gore strolled through a temple as nuns threw checks at him like Mardi
Gras beads and the Justice Department could find no controlling legal
authority. His debate whoppers would bury the needle on a lie detector, his
cigarettes for homeless votes in Michigan had his sister spinning in her
grave, and yet he still won the suburban moms. Clintonites move about the
country like traveling salvation shows. They bamboozle then move along to a
fresh crowd of the gullible in the next town and election. Arkansas and
Tennessee wouldn't even go for more Clinton years, but New York fell hook,
line and sinker. Republicans have been trying to catch a greased pig while
clad in a flip-flops.
Election 2000 was a nail biter, with results as bizarre as the rhetoric. The
lockboxes are now being placed on the votes in Florida and Missouri for fraud
charges abound --- a perfect Clinton ending. One can only hope it is indeed an
end. I am
10/27/00: Al in the package? Memo to women: Choosing presidents and husbands
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