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Jewish World Review August 10, 2001 / 21 Menachem-Av, 5761
James Lileks
1. Co-President Bush. Hmm. Well, what can one say; the man addressed the
Boy Scouts - the Boy Scouts, for heaven's sake! What's next, the Salvation
Army? The Hitler Youth? Luckily, we have two other presidents who are much
more important:
2. Co-President Clinton. He dropped by Harlem to open his office, and
from the coverage you'd think he'd rolled back a stone and emerged from a
crypt. Can anyone recall such hoo-hah for the mere opening of a presidential
mail drop? By Ten PM Eastern time, every major website had news of Clinton's
Harlem visit on its front page - and nothing about the speech Bush was
making simultaneously. Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC - all Bill, no Bush.
The New York Times' front page not only ignored Bush's speech but linked to
a speech by the Urban League president, demanding that Bush speak out about
racial profiling -
Which is exactly what Bush had done that very day. He'd spoken to a
convention of Black law-enforcement officers, and called for an end to
racial profiling. To quote: "It's wrong in America, and we've got to get
rid of it." He made this speech to actual cops while Bill bloviated before a
rent-a-crowd in Harlem - and guess which one got live coverage from the
cable networks? Bingo! Very good. And here are the stories the NYT website
discerned to be more important than a Republican disavowal of racial
profiling: "Shark Attack Victim Starts Therapy." "Argentina Hopes Spending
Cuts Will Renew Global Confidence." "Canada Exists, Experts Say."
Okay, that last one was fake. But if Bill Clinton ever ends up in
Ottawa, surrounded by acolytes eager to call him America's First Canadian
President, it'll be page one on the Times.
The left always delights in asking "when will the right get over Bill
Clinton?" To which the right can tell the left: when you do.
3. Co-President Daschle. If Co-P Bush is the figurehead, Co-P Bill the
Soul, Co-P Daschle is the workhorse, the nuts-and-bolts guy who gets things
done. His job is simple: find out what Bush wants, and make sure it never
happens. Bush endorses the rising of the sun in the east? Daschle sadly
concludes that Co-President Bush has abandoned the West in a risky scheme to
give New Yorkers skin cancer.
Or, to choose a recent example: Bush proposes a consumer product safety
official who thinks people are occasionally responsible for product misuse.
Obviously, she's an industry shill. If people are burning their houses
down by improperly cooking Pop-Tarts, for example, then Co-P Daschle's
trial lawyer contributors are ready to help: The victims should be able to
sue Kellogs for not making a fireproof Pop-Tart that contained an internal
thermometer with a self-extinquishing center, and B) sue their HMO for not
paying for burn treatments that use the new Chilean Goat-Bile Paste
treatment we read about in Holistic Salve Quarterly.
Daschle is on hand to guide our foreign policy as well. Bush walked away
from a biological weapons treaty that would have violated the Fourth
Amendment, in addition to national security and common sense. Daschle gives
America a pained, brotherly smile and worries that we're becoming
"isolationists." In a way, he's correct; we're stepping away from agreements
crafted solely to give diplomats something to put on their resume. ("2000:
Banned land mines. 2001: Banned Germ Warfare. 2002: Banned War. 2003-05:
Cowered in Sewer while the bombs fell. 2006 - present: Rat-herder in Chinese
Planetary Government") Does Co-President Daschle think we should sign bad
treaties just so no one calls us names at the UN playground?
More likely he's willing to obscure the particulars - or "lie," as the
vernacular has it - to accrue power for Democrats. It is important for the
Democrats that Bush fail, and fail all over the place, so that life in
Washington tolerable again. Until that day, we have three Presidents.
Co-P Bush proposes; Co-P Daschle disposes. And Co-P Clinton keeps everyone
entertained. Tripartite government! It worked for the Romans.
Just ask the last guy
08/03/01: Constitution: George the Uniter picked a doozy to unify detractors
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