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Jewish World Review July 25, 2001 / 5 Menachem-Av, 5761
James Lileks
Translation: couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.
But we're working out the kinks. We can do it. We sent men to the moon
using slide rules, dead reckoning, duct tape and spit; we can figure out
the intricacies of missile defense. (If the administration really wanted to
get everyone on board, they'd insist that missile defense would safeguard
America's experimental human embryos.) While we wait for the experts to
extirpate the kinks, let's consider exactly whose missiles we're defending
outselves against. The Likely Suspects:
North Korea. Leadership: dorky guy with silly hair, a tenuous grasp on
reality, an economy as prone as a highway stripe, and a fully operational
missile program. Go figure. Experts speculate the missile is powered with
hay, and does not actually explode on contact, but just gives everyone a
nasty scrape that makes entire metropolitan areas ask themselves: how long
since I had that tetanus shot? Six years? Seven? Likelihood they'll nuke us:
coin toss.
Iraq. Leadership: That Old Funlover, Saddam. Since he not only survived
a US invasion, but survived ten years of coup rumors, nutcase relatives,
sanctions, rumors of diseases varying from thyroid disorders to cancer of
the moustache, he seems the most likely to lob a bomb our way. Likelihood
he'll be unable to resist nuking Isreal first: coin toss.
China. Awww, now why would they want to nuke us? Sure, they threatened
to turn LA into a sheet of glowing glass during one the biannual snarky
fits over Taiwan, but that doesn't mean they'd do it. China has greater
weapons at its disposal. At any time, they have, in their factories and
warehouses, 94% of all extruded-plastic toys that will be give to America's
beloved whelps next Christmas. Americans can take the occasional Civil
Defense siren, the periodic whump! of a distant nuke. But junior crying
through all of January because he didn't get the Atlantis sub with
Real-Action Grasping Arms is a sacrifice we're not ready to make. Likelihood
they'll nuke us: small. They will bury us. Under tons of licensed
merchandise.
Russia. Given the parlous state of Russia's military, it's doubtful that
Russia's nukes could even make it out of the silo without getting lost. For
all we know, they never really had nukes - the cones might have dropped in
Times Square and unfurled a little flag that says BANGSKI. Likelihood
they'll nuke us: can't say; we lent Putin a coin for a phone call, and he
never gave it back.
All true. People wonder why anyone would nuke us, given our ability to
retaliate massively. But would we? The United States probably lacks the
fortitude for a good old-fashioned nuclear swap-meet. In the old days, it
was simple: all the Rooskie missiles went up at once; we detected them on
gigantic screens that hung in a vast, dimly-lit, black and white War Room.
(Maniacal handicapped German optional.) Once we knew they were attacking, we
sent all of our missiles as well. The two fleets met over the poles,
exchanged pleasantries, continued to their destinations, and that was it:
game over.
You don't have the same dynamics with a single missile. If Iraq managed
to sneak one through and atomize, say, Miami, America's reaction would be
swift and immediate - which is to say, all the cable shows would go 24-7
debating the ethics of retaliation. Alan Dershowitz would insist that this
was the Bush administration's way of covering up its electoral powergrab. Al
Sharpton would immediately fly to Baghdad to express solidarity with the
Arab innocents. Pundits would talk about the human cost of our ten-year
sanctions policy; someone would insist that our sanctions had already killed
100,000 people, so Saddam was simply evening the score. Retaliate? What sort
of barbaric nation stoops to brutal notions like retaliation?
That's why we need missile defense: we wouldn't be expected to retaliate
if we nipped a rocket en route. We wouldn't have to admit we're too
civilized to nuke a city. I fear we have wakened a sleeping giant, a wise
man once said, but nowadays it's different. The sleeping giant hits the
snooze
06/18/01: Paining the egalitarian soul
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