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Jewish World Review May 21, 2001 / 28 Iyar, 5761
James Lileks
At the risk of offending those who've had their sarcasm detectors
surgically removed - and got stoned that night because it made the stitches
itch less - the preceeding paragraphs were opposed to the abolition of
medical marijuana. There are instances where it probably does a great deal
of good, and it ought to be allowed in carefully controlled circumstances.
Just because marijuana's side-effect is agreeable stupification doesn't
mean it should be withdrawn from the physician's quiver.
That does not mean, however, that anyone ought to be able to claim to
have a medical condition that marijuana can solve. There are too many quack
docs out there who'd cheerfully examine someone, diagnosis "Blocked Whimsy
Ducts" and write a script for a pound of goofy-tinder. And what's wrong with
that, exactly?
Well, it's the start of the slippery slope. If you can join a club that
gives marijuana to people who are clinically depressed, then why not give it
to those who are merely sad for reasons that have nothing to do with errant
brain chemistry? Once we let anyone passout grass for big reasons, it gets
passed out for small reasons, and it ends up legal. That wouldn't mean the
end of Western Civilization. It is, however hard to argue that what America
needs is MORE drug usage.
Of course, legalization might reduce the corruption, the hypocrisy, the
crushing burden on the courts, and - best of all - the annoying public
service spots. But legalizing pot is one step to legalizing everything,
because one man's toke is another man's snort. Total legalization will give
us two choices.
1. Private enterprise sells the dope. Right now, the state and the trial
lawyers are scarfing down billions from lawsuits against Big Tobacco. What
company wants to set itself up as Big Crack? Big Smack? Even if a company
was stupid enough to try, imagine the perils of marketing Tweaker's Choice
Menthol Meth. The government will require labels:
Warning! the Surgeon General has determined that hordes of imaginary
horseflies may consume your flesh, but don't harsh our buzz with your bad
trip, dude; take it outside
Or, for grass: The Surgeon General has determined that neither you nor
your roommate can remember whether you ordered pizza, or who's supposed to
pay for it this time
As we've seen with cigarettes, a warning doesn't let a drug maker off
the hook. That leads us to option 2: the Government sells it. Yes, Uncle Sam
opens a crack store in the ghetto. You liked it as a conspiracy theory;
you'll love it as public policy.
You'd still have a prison population full of drug users, except they'd
be lockedup for thievery instead of possession. How else do you support a
habit? Do we expect heroin addicts to get second jobs? Ah, but we'd educate
them so they wouldn't have habits. We'd teach them to use crack responsibly.
See, all those zombies staggering around the hood stealing from everyone to
get another vial - that wasn't educational enough. You have to back it up
with a slide-show and some puppet skits.
Here's your drugs, kids; they're completely legal. Now for G-d's sake
don't even think of doing them - but if you do, here's how to make sure you
tie off your arm without briusing a vein.
What does this have to do with medical marijuana? Nothing, at first.
just to suggest that total legalization swaps one set of problems for
another. Eventually we'll have drugs that will do what medical marijuana
supposedly does, and does it for everyone. Until then, however, maybe it's
not the wrong thing to let some people use it under medical supervision.
Maybe there are some people in pain who might actually find it a blessing.
Disagree? Then complete the sentence. "No! They should suffer, because
____________" Bonus points if you can figure out a way to use the word
05/08/01: Republicans want poisoned water
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