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Jewish World Review Feb. 9, 2001 / 16 Shevat, 5761
James Lileks
Never mind the pardons - now it's the furniture liberated on the way
out. Turns out it actually belonged to the White House, not the Clintons.
Mistake? Of course! Everyone who's ever taken a desk and a computer home
from a job when they quit can easily understand how this happens. Here's a
partial list of items removed:
A special robotic bust of FDR that turned its head and sang "Don't
Worry, Be Happy"when you walked past it
The pen JFK used to approve assassinations. Lookee here, Webster - when
you turn it upside down, the girlee's bathin' suit come raht off! Hyuk!
The portrait in the Lincoln Bedroom whose eyes seemed to follow you
around the room, and dang if they're not the same color as Hillary's
The desk in the Oval Office. If that kneehole could talk . . .well, we'd
best be sure it doesn't have the opportunity.
That sofa and that chair and that lamp and that bookshelf and those
plants and that radio and these doorknobs and that carpet runner
The first ashtray thrown by a member of the First Family
The second ashtray thrown by a member of the First Family
The skeet shoot clay-pigeon launcher, modified to fire ashtrays; it had
"Hill Hath No Fury"painted on the barrel.
Well, perhaps that's an exaggeration. Clinton detractors imagine
a White House stripped to the studs, its phone cords severed, its walls
bedecked with fratboy epithets, and Hitler moustaches drawn on all the
portraits. It wasn't that bad. But once again, we had to go through the same
old routine of evasions and explanations until we're so exhausted we just
shrug, sigh, and leave them alone in the henhouse. Fine. Whatever. Just lock
up when you're done.
This time, however, even Clintonophiles were annoyed by the clumsiness
of the exit. The pardons smelled bad. The evacuation of government property
looked bad too. Angry editorials filled the liberal papers, as high-minded
editorialists announced they'd finally had enough. It's one thing to lie
under oath, but pocketing the flatware: how declasse.
Stung by the charges - and by "charges,"of course, we mean "a truth that
was not supposed to be widely known"- the Clintons agreed to pay back some
money to shady people who'd given gifts, and defray the enormous rental fee
for Clinton's office over Carnegie Hall.
But in classic Clinton style, this all manages to be your fault for
being so petty. Clinton spokesman Jim Kennedy gave us all a good hard slap
on the wrist: "Given that Hillary Clinton helped raise more than $25 million
for the benefit of the White House and that all the proceeds from her new
book, 'Invitation to the White House,' will also go to the White House, it
is a little silly and small to be talking about these few furnishings."
Let us hope that it makes more money for the White House than the "Takes
a Village"book made for its supposed recipient: the Children's Defense Fund
is reportedly fighting over royalties they never received. But who are you
to criticize? Have you pledged any royalties to the CDF? All right, then.
After all they've done for us, you begrudge them an ottoman - why, you
ought to get down on your knees and thank them. And if the floor's hard on
your knees because they took the rug, it serves you right.
Oh, and now they say they'll give some stuff back. Fracas closed.
Meanwhile, there's another pardon scandal brewing - this time, it seems, the
President pardoned a guy in the middle of an ongoing investigation. It never
stops; we'll never stop talking about these people, if only to marvel:
How does one perfect this sort of ethical slipperiness, this high-handed
laws-are-for-peons hauteur? The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, or an
office building above it. Practice. Practice.
02/06/01: Can you say 'Ayatollah Bush'?
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