Mort Zuckerman
They should have said...
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Here are my annual fantasies about how some famous folks might have responded to the news of the year.
George W. Bush on those who thought he was too inexperienced to handle foreign policy: "Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic." Bush on his proactive policy of pre-emption: "I feel like a lion in a den of Daniels."
Vice President Dick Cheney on Saddam Hussein: "There are two theories of negotiations with Saddam Hussein on weapons of mass destruction. Neither one works."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on warfare before 9/11: "Remember when water balloons were the ultimate weapons?"
CIA Director George Tenet on terrorists: "Forgiveness is up to God. Our job is to arrange the meeting."
President Bush on Republican success in the midterm election: "Politicians and diapers have something in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason."
Bush Chief of Staff Andrew Card's motto on punctuality: "I notice that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."
President Bush on Yasser Arafat's desire to visit the White House: "How about never? Is never good enough for you?"
Al Gore on not running for the presidency: "If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you."
Critics of former President Jimmy Carter's pacifism, which included opposing the eviction of Saddam Hussein from Kuwait in 1990 as well as any current military action against Iraq: "It is desirable even in an era when the lion lies down with the lamb to take care never to assume the role of the lamb."
Saddam Hussein's policy on the return of inspectors to Iraq: "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried."
The liberals' view on going to war with Saddam Hussein: "Never get into a fight with ugly people because they have nothing to lose."
National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice's "theory of holes" approach to foreign-policy problems: "When you are in one, stop digging."
President Bush on academic excellence: "The closest I ever got to a 4.0 college score was my blood-alcohol level."
Gen. Tommy Franks on the brilliant success of the war in Afghanistan against the Taliban: "They said it couldn't be done, but that doesn't always work."
The Defense Department on the State Department: "a place where sound travels faster than light." The State Department on the Defense Department: "a place full of single-entendres."
The press on Trent Lott's attempts to apologize for his racially tinged comments at the 100th-birthday party for Sen. Strom Thurmond: "He got his campaign of apology off to a flying stop." And: "No one is listening until you make a mistake."
Trent Lott on his problems: "Some days you are the dog. Some days you are the hydrant."
Strom Thurmond on his 100th birthday: "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill on his firing: "I was sworn in by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
House Republicans on the new Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi: "She doesn't have hot flashes. She has power surges."
The public on the IRS: "Did you ever notice that if you put the word the and 'IRS' together, it spells 'theirs'?"
The commissioner of the IRS: "A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."
Enronon its financial strategy: "Let's borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back."
The investment banking industry's definition of P/E ratios: "the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the stock market keeps crashing."
The financial service industry's definition of broker: "what my broker has made me." And of an institutional investor: "last year's investor who is now locked in a nuthouse."
On the new studies of the life of Albert Einstein: "OK, so what is the speed of dark?"
On the new motto at college football games: "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
On the new holiday diet: "You can eat anything you wish, but you have to do it in front of naked, fat people."
Television talk show host John McLaughlin on his assessment of Washington politics: "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
On defunct accounting firm Arthur Andersen's view of "EBIT:" "earnings before irregularities and tampering." And of EBITDA: "earnings before I trick the damn auditor."
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JWR contributor Mort Zuckerman is editor-in-chief and publisher of U.S. News and World Report. Send your comments to him by clicking here.
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