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Jewish World Review Jan. 3, 2001 / 8 Teves, 5761

Mort Zuckerman

Mort Zuckerman
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Consumer Reports

Quipping in the new year -- HERE ARE my annual fantasies about what some famous folks might have said last year, with thanks to various people who shared some of the lines below.

Bill Clinton on being president: "Some days you are the dog; some days you are the hydrant."

On dealing with Hillary: "It's easier to get forgiveness than permission."

Hillary Rodham Clinton on dealing with her husband: "No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes."

Clinton haters on the Clintons: "How good of God to let Bill and Hillary marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four."

Republicans on Hillary's $8 million book: "Once you put it down, it is impossible to pick it up again." And "It is not the type of book you throw away lightly."

Al Gore on his future: "I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few."

Republicans on Al Gore: "He is a liberal in social matters, a conservative in economic matters, and a psychopath on political matters."

Democrats on George W. Bush's fondness for video games: "In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most."

Republicans on Al Gore: "He should go far–and the sooner he starts, the better."

Democrats on George W. Bush: "It takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes."

George W. Bush on Texas wisdom: "Don't squat with your spurs on."

The Democrats on George W. Bush's tax cut proposals: "Them that has, gets."

The American public on Ralph Nader: "It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."

The American voter on election year 2000: "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason."

The American public on the Florida contest: "A few clowns short of a circus."

Political manager Jim Baker on his role in Florida on behalf of George W. Bush: "It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose."

The public view of the Supreme Court: "They are law students who mark their own papers."

The Democrats' experience with the Supreme Court: "There are two theories to arguing before the Supreme Court. Neither one works."

The Supreme Court's punishment for bigamy: two mothers-in-law.

Colin Powell on his new job as secretary of state: "The time is out of joint; oh, cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right."

The philosophy of Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan: "The central conservative truth is that it is culture, not politics, that determines the success of a society. The central liberal truth is that politics can change a culture and save it from itself."

Alan Greenspan on the role of the private sector in the U.S. economy: "Some regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. A few see it for what it really is–the strong and willing horse that pulls the whole cart along."

Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers on new studies of income inequality: "All reports are now in. Life is now officially unfair."

Sen. John McCain on tobacco: "It is not cigarettes that are addictive. It is contributions from the tobacco industry that are addictive."

Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala on the U.S. medical profession: "Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"

Louis Rukeyser on investing: "The quickest way to double your money in the stock market is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."

The telephone answering machine message of Condoleezza Rice, Bush's nominee for national security adviser: "Sorry, I am not home to take your call. After the beep, please state your bad news."

Current National Security Adviser Sandy Berger on his years in the White House: "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

The postmaster general's assessment of the U.S. Postal Service: "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."

Feminist Betty Friedan: "Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it."

JWR contributor Mort Zuckerman is editor-in-chief and publisher of U.S. News and World Report. Send your comments to him by clicking here.


12/20/00: A time for healing
11/13/00: The need for legitimacy
10/30/00: Arafat's bloody cynicism
10/18/00: Arafat torches peace
10/03/00: A great step backward
09/08/00: The Perfect Storm
08/29/00: Don't blow the surplus
08/15/00: Voting for grown-ups
08/01/00: Arafat's lack of nerve
07/17/00: Can there be a new peace between old enemies? Or will new enemies regress to an old state of war?
07/11/00: A time to celebrate
06/19/00: A bit of straight talk
06/08/00: Using hate against Israel
05/26/00: Is the Federal Reserve trigger-happy?
04/18/00: Tensions on the 'Net
04/13/00: A paranoid power
03/10/00: Fuel prices in the red zone
02/25/00: Web wake-up call
02/18/00: Back to the future
01/21/00: Whistling while we work
01/11/00: Loose lips, fast quips
12/23/99: The times of our lives
12/14/99: Hey, big spender
11/18/99: Fountain of Youth
11/04/99: An impossible partner
10/14/99: A nation divided
10/05/99: India at center stage
09/21/99: Along with good cops, we need a better probation system
09/08/99: Though plundered and confused, Russia can solve its problems
08/31/99: The military should spend more on forces and less on facilities
08/05/99: Squandering the surplus
07/06/99: More than ever, America's unique promise is a reality
06/24/99: The time has come to hit the brakes on affirmative action
06/15/99: America should take pride in honoring its responsibilities
06/02/99: The Middle Kingdom shows its antagonistic side
05/11/99: Technology's transforming power is giving a lift to everything
05/04/99: The big game gets bigger
04/30/99: On Kosovo, Russia talked loudly and carried a small stick
04/21/99: No time to go wobbly
04/13/99: The Evil of two lessers

© 2000, Mortimer Zuckerman