Jewish World Review Jan. 11, 2000 / 4 Shevat, 5760
http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- WELCOME TO THE NEW MILLENNIUM! Here is my fantasy about what some famous folks might have said last year, with thanks to people who shared some of the lines below:
Bill Clinton on Hillary as his toughest critic: "If I am by myself in the forest without Hillary, and I speak, am I still wrong?"
Post-presidential Bill Clinton at a cocktail party as Hillary urgently side-mouths him: "Tell them who you were, Bill. Tell them who you were."
Hillary Rodham Clinton on Kenneth Starr: "He is the crash dummy for the right wing of the Republican Party. He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Kenneth Starr on President Clinton: "Liberty or death is a splendid slogan. And whichever you choose is all right with me."
The Democratic Party on the Republican failure to adjust their computers for Y2K: "Al Gore's opponent will be William McKinley."
Al Gore on Bill Bradley: "The more I think of you the less I think of you."
Senator Bill Bradley on Al Gore's health plan: "He is trying to toast a marshmallow with a flashlight."
The Democrats on Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay's hard-nosed politics: "He doesn't build bridges. He builds piers."
The Democrats on former Speaker Newt Gingrich: "He is past his prime. But he still makes a valuable scapegoat."
Gary Bauer on debating Steve Forbes: "What Mount Rushmore is to animation, Steve Forbes is to politics."
The press on:
Hillary Clinton's campaign to attract every ethnic group in New York: "She is in danger of becoming all things to no people."
Al Gore: "I wish we had known him when he was alive."
Donald Trump: "His ego has applied for statehood. If accepted, it would be the fifth largest."
Congress: "How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterward."
Madeleine Albright: "Her policies have a beginning, a muddle, and an end."
John McCain: "He is the real thing. Not just made from concentrate."
George W. Bush: "The only reason he gets lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory."
The Republican right wing and the Democratic left wing: "How a minority reaching majority, seizing authority, hates a minority."
The Republicans on Bill Clinton's political skills: "He is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower. You watch him with special respect."
John McCain on Pat Buchanan: "The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Samson's time."
Sen. Strom Thurmond celebrating his 98th birthday: "I have the growing feeling that the older I get, the better I was."
Monica Lewinsky on Linda Tripp: "She loves nature, in spite of what it did to her."
National Security Adviser Sandy Berger on Russian policy in Chechnya: "Where they may get a desert, they call it peace."
Rudy Giuliani on welfare reform: "G-d help those who do not help themselves."
The wife of the CEO of Merrill Lynch when his stocks dropped by 75 percent: "Don't worry, sweetheart. Even if you lost everything, I would still love you. I would miss you, but I would still love you."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair commenting on the announcement that his 45-year-old wife is expecting a baby: "The only time a woman wishes she is a year older is when she is pregnant."
The motto of Bernie Ebbers, CEO of MCI WorldCom: "Speak softly and carry a big cell phone."
Warren Buffett on Internet stocks: "The only time to buy them is on a day with no "y" in it."
Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com: "Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop."
On the work ethic of the dot-com world: "Early to bed. Early to rise. Work like hell and advertise."
On the social conscience of new Silicon Valley billionaires: "I felt bad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no Porsche."
Politicians and business executives on the press: "A journalist is someone whose business it is to explain to others what he personally doesn't