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Jewish World Review Jan. 11, 2000 / 4 Shevat, 5760

Mort Zuckerman

Mort Zuckerman
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Loose lips, fast quips -- WELCOME TO THE NEW MILLENNIUM! Here is my fantasy about what some famous folks might have said last year, with thanks to people who shared some of the lines below:

Bill Clinton on Hillary as his toughest critic: "If I am by myself in the forest without Hillary, and I speak, am I still wrong?"

Post-presidential Bill Clinton at a cocktail party as Hillary urgently side-mouths him: "Tell them who you were, Bill. Tell them who you were."

Hillary Rodham Clinton on Kenneth Starr: "He is the crash dummy for the right wing of the Republican Party. He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Kenneth Starr on President Clinton: "Liberty or death is a splendid slogan. And whichever you choose is all right with me."

The Democratic Party on the Republican failure to adjust their computers for Y2K: "Al Gore's opponent will be William McKinley."

Al Gore on Bill Bradley: "The more I think of you the less I think of you."

Senator Bill Bradley on Al Gore's health plan: "He is trying to toast a marshmallow with a flashlight."

The Democrats on Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay's hard-nosed politics: "He doesn't build bridges. He builds piers."

The Democrats on former Speaker Newt Gingrich: "He is past his prime. But he still makes a valuable scapegoat."

Gary Bauer on debating Steve Forbes: "What Mount Rushmore is to animation, Steve Forbes is to politics."

The press on:

Hillary Clinton's campaign to attract every ethnic group in New York: "She is in danger of becoming all things to no people."

Al Gore: "I wish we had known him when he was alive."

Donald Trump: "His ego has applied for statehood. If accepted, it would be the fifth largest."

Congress: "How beautiful it is to do nothing and then rest afterward."

Madeleine Albright: "Her policies have a beginning, a muddle, and an end."

John McCain: "He is the real thing. Not just made from concentrate."

George W. Bush: "The only reason he gets lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory."

The Republican right wing and the Democratic left wing: "How a minority reaching majority, seizing authority, hates a minority."

The Republicans on Bill Clinton's political skills: "He is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower. You watch him with special respect."

John McCain on Pat Buchanan: "The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Samson's time."

Sen. Strom Thurmond celebrating his 98th birthday: "I have the growing feeling that the older I get, the better I was."

Monica Lewinsky on Linda Tripp: "She loves nature, in spite of what it did to her."

National Security Adviser Sandy Berger on Russian policy in Chechnya: "Where they may get a desert, they call it peace."

Rudy Giuliani on welfare reform: "G-d help those who do not help themselves."

The wife of the CEO of Merrill Lynch when his stocks dropped by 75 percent: "Don't worry, sweetheart. Even if you lost everything, I would still love you. I would miss you, but I would still love you."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair commenting on the announcement that his 45-year-old wife is expecting a baby: "The only time a woman wishes she is a year older is when she is pregnant."

The motto of Bernie Ebbers, CEO of MCI WorldCom: "Speak softly and carry a big cell phone."

Warren Buffett on Internet stocks: "The only time to buy them is on a day with no "y" in it."

Jeff Bezos, the CEO of "Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop."

On the work ethic of the dot-com world: "Early to bed. Early to rise. Work like hell and advertise."

On the social conscience of new Silicon Valley billionaires: "I felt bad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no Porsche."

Politicians and business executives on the press: "A journalist is someone whose business it is to explain to others what he personally doesn't understand."

JWR contributor Mort Zuckerman is editor-in-chief and publisher of U.S. News and World Report. Send your comments to him by clicking here.


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11/18/99: Fountain of Youth
11/04/99: An impossible partner
10/14/99: A nation divided
10/05/99: India at center stage
09/21/99: Along with good cops, we need a better probation system
09/08/99: Though plundered and confused, Russia can solve its problems
08/31/99: The military should spend more on forces and less on facilities
08/05/99: Squandering the surplus
07/06/99: More than ever, America's unique promise is a reality
06/24/99: The time has come to hit the brakes on affirmative action
06/15/99: America should take pride in honoring its responsibilities
06/02/99: The Middle Kingdom shows its antagonistic side
05/11/99: Technology's transforming power is giving a lift to everything
05/04/99: The big game gets bigger
04/30/99: On Kosovo, Russia talked loudly and carried a small stick
04/21/99: No time to go wobbly
04/13/99: The Evil of two lessers

© 2000, Mortimer Zuckerman