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Jewish World Review June 16, 2003 / 16 Sivan, 5763

Lenore Skenazy

Skenazy
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Consumer Reports


Your career's over when...


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Material Girl is now the Brushed Cotton Mama: Madonna reportedly has just signed on as the Gap's newest has-been.

Er, spokes-singer.

What next? "Papa Don't Bleach"? "Rayon of Light"? "Like a Virgin Wool Crew Neck"?

With those cone bras going corporate, it's obvious the '80s are finally over - and so is Madonna Ciccone. For what is Gap-flacking but the last gasp of a maverick going so mainstream you can see the long-distance phone service endorsement looming on the horizon?

Maybe the ignominy is not obvious to Madonna. Maybe she has no idea what's happening!

Lest an uncool end befall any more of our pop culture icons, the Daily News has compiled an early warning list of hipness killers. Celebs on the edge of the abyss (or psychic hotline contract), take note! You know your career is fork-tender when:

Pixar taps you to dub the voice of the algae.

The brass at Colgate wonders if you would consider soaking in Palmolive.

Lisa Marie Presley calls you for a date.

Demi Moore reaches you first.

You are invited to be the host of the Infoammys - the awards ceremony for infomercials.

You must decline because of a conflict of interest - your own Infoammy-nominated infomercial for a revolutionary new tummy toner.

All-Bran wants to put you on its cereal box.

You are the punch line of a joke on "Will and Grace."

The Carnegie Deli names a sandwich after you.

Your name has become slang for a new computer problem, as in, "The hard drive is doing a [YOUR NAME HERE] again."

You are invited to judge the Pillsbury Low-Sodium, Fat-Free Flaky Cinnamon Roll Bakeoff.

Charlie Rose postpones your chat and "forgets" to call back.

Snapple hires you for its big summer campaign, then sends you a giant Peach Iced Tea costume and a stack of "25 cents off" flyers.

Cadillac begs you to endorse its first minivan.

Bigwigs from Bristol-Myers wine and dine you at Le Cirque, then gradually steer the discussion around to a new drug for boils.

Regis and Kelly have you on to talk about your pet.

"The View" has you on to talk about your pet's cholesterol problem.

Kmart feels you out about developing a sportswear line.

The National Enquirer doesn't care if you've gained 60 pounds.

PETA doesn't care if you wear fur

Your contract arrives from "I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!"

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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.

Up

06/09/03: FOUND! The Clinton outtakes
05/30/03: Some other tickets I'd like to see
05/28/03: Bottled up by HMOs
05/22/03: We have ways of making you sing
05/20/03: Losing interest in reality
05/13/03: Time & tech wait for no mom
05/08/03: Duck Peking, but not Chinatown
04/29/03: The new SUV - station wagons
04/22/03: Toy alarmists can often be real yo-yos
04/15/03: The Bud Lites of Manhattan
04/01/03: Is that a poem in your pocket?
03/26/03: The view from here --- powerless
03/24/03: Old soldiers never lie
03/18/03: May you choke on your mustache
02/28/03: Iraq needs a dose of reality (TV)
02/20/03: Call the kids the Reheated Generation
02/04/03: Welcome to Mourning TV
01/29/03: Sipping Starbucks on the sly
01/24/03: Golden arches are falling
01/14/03: Designs soar, critics fall flat
01/10/03: Don't smile for the camera
01/06/03: Have they no shame!? My sanity meter is running out
12/31/02: You know, like, resolved
12/23/02: Warning: Art ahead
12/05/02: Hey, boss! Can you hear me now?
12/03/02: Raw & steamy food fight
11/19/02: The new power tie
11/12/02: Googling be gone
11/05/02: Time waits for no blender
10/28/02: As debate rages about 9-11 memorial, a perfect one quietly appears
10/24/02: Your health, their wealth
10/10/02: Sometimes death opens up the door
09/24/02: Reality hits Mickey
09/19/02: Should you report me to the authorities?
09/12/02: War and love: Romance rises from the ashes
08/30/02: If beer is good, spinoffs are great
08/13/02: Braving difficult steps
08/08/02: Can't trust those tourists!
08/02/02: Enquiring about the 'stars'? I already know
07/26/02: Reunions that defy history
07/18/02: Where'd all the logos go?
07/12/02: He's why Boomers leap and twist
07/09/02: Hold on, my molar's ringing
06/25/02: Pitching the fish fork
06/11/02: Water fad is bottled nonsense 06/11/02: 06/07/02: He who brings menus deserves praise
06/04/02: Relish This! The World Trade Center Hot Dog Guy has been found
05/23/02: The return of the tight squeeze
05/15/02: A Little Too Spicy
05/10/02: Okay, start the movie already!
05/07/02: If you win the lottery, you may be out of luck
05/01/02: Driven nuts by drive-time cell phoners
04/16/02: Chats of a lifetime
04/10/02: This Pet Has a Tail to Tell
03/26/02: Hey, New York - Take a Haiku
03/21/02: Your 'victim,' is my 'survivor' is somebody else's 'hero'?
03/19/02: Terrorists, get out your No. 2 pencils
03/14/02: Tribute Has City Back at its Windows
03/06/02: Dumping Ted: Gray Day For the Baby Boomers
02/27/02: Sometimes, lying's the best policy
02/20/02: The Fad That Won't Fade Away
02/12/02: The smoking gun of white-collar crime is making some folks very happy
02/05/02: Exterminators are evolving, too
02/01/02: Don't suffer do drugs
01/22/02: The Blue Light of Happiness
01/18/02: Marlboro's surprising gift to U.S.
01/08/02: Hospitals make me sick
01/02/02: Read-Aloud Resolutions
12/21/01: Nothing's Worse/Than Bad Verse
12/18/01: This Little Dog Bytes
12/13/01: Palm Pilot or Calendar? Paper Wins
12/07/01: The gift of 9/11
12/03/01: Altria Is Really Smokin'

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