Jewish World Review May 30, 2003 / 28 Iyar, 5763
Some other tickets I'd like to see
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | NEW YORKMilk-crate sitting and pigeon feeding? That's what the police are giving tickets for these days? As if we don't have bigger problems to deal with - like co-workers who stir their coffee and then put the spoon back in the sugar, and callers who leave their phone numbers too quickly on the answering machine?
Mayor Mike - why not target New York's real crimes? We need these laws now!
Totes Reform: From now on, your right to carry a kiddie-pool-size umbrella ends where my eye socket begins. Bone-dry scofflaws shoving the rest of us off the sidewalk shall be fined and then poked a couple times, for good measure. Confiscated umbrellas will be donated to needy hot dog stands.
Hey, Baby, I Could Show You a Good Time (If You Enjoy Hanging Out With Inarticulate Jerks): Any construction worker who can't come up with something more creative than "Yo!" "Yo, Mama!" or, "Yo, Baby, Yo!" will have the contents of his lunchbox (including Thermos) emptied onto his head or lap. Ladies' choice.
New Register, Old Story: When in the course of a long line at the supermarket, a new register suddenly opens, any person from the end of the old line shall be prohibited from sprinting to the front of the new line. If s/he shrugs and pretends that the new line was up for grabs, his/her purchases shall be rung up by a cashier trainee who can't override a mistake without the manager coming over with the key. This manager shall be, by law, in the back.
It's Getting Loud in Here: If, while quietly standing next to an individual in an elevator, subway or bus, you can tell exactly what song that individual is listening to on his/her headphones, said headphones shall be removed, twisted into modern sculpture, swung in the air and stomped underfoot. Innocent bystanders on that bus/train/elevator are then to serenade the perp with an excruciatingly unhip song like "Afternoon Delight."
Friends Let Friends Drink: Water, that is. Any public park with a nonworking drinking fountain shall be required to provide bottles of Evian for all visitors. If the garbage can at the park then overflows with empty bottles, the park shall be fined for litter accumulation.
Socks on the Beach: Are fine. But vendors peddling tube socks at a street fair shall be fined $2 for every pair, or 3 for $5, for not coming up with something more interesting to sell. Similarly, funnel cake vendors shall be sentenced to one hour of being back-rubbed in public, by a stranger, facing the street.
Please Re-Lease Me: No. Those city dwellers caught bragging about their rent-controlled apartments will find themselves out on the street with only a copy of the Village Voice "shares" classifieds.
Cell Phones: Talk on one while crossing the street, and the cabbie gets a free pass for hitting you. But if the cabbie is on a cell phone, too, it's a wash.
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05/28/03: Bottled up by HMOs