Jewish World Review August 2, 2002 / 24 Menachem-Av, 5762
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Julia Roberts, I wish you well.
But so what? You'll be divorced within the year.
Oh, maybe it'll take two years, like Angelina and Billy Bob. And maybe you'll have a baby first, and name it something weird, like "Rumer." Or maybe you'll do a Broadway play, like Madonna. Or buy a ranch in Idaho. Or throw a birthday bash for your husband that ends in a screaming match because you'll catch him canoodling with the sexy stripper you hired as a joke.
But pretty much I know everything that's going to happen, right down to your brave last days (and they're always brave, aren't they?), for one reason.
I read the supermarket tabs.
Anyone addicted to such literature knows that this is how it always goes: The breakout film, the glamour, the fun, the blockbuster, the slide, the comeback, the clubs, the stalker, the wedding, the rehab, the diet, the divorce, the face-lift, the talk show, the memoirs, the loyal dog and then those last days, brave. Sure, there might be a memorable gown in there, or a close relative found living in squalor, but really, there's nothing new under the Sun.
Or the Enquirer, Examiner or Globe.
Tabloid loyalists know, for instance, that any celebrity who gets the name of his or her lover tattooed someplace shocking will end up despising that person (and tattoo) quicker than you can say, "Winona forever."
When the lovers break up, it will not be because one of them picked all the raisins out of the bran. It will be because he was just caught locking lips with his ex at Moomba. Or she was clocking time in her co-star's trailer. Or he ran the Benz into a birch. Or she met Jack Nicholson. Or they both checked into Hazelden and fell in love with their roommates.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I can only skim my beloved Enquirer, simply because it's no surprise to learn that "Spider-Man" star Tobey Maguire has been linked to Nicole Kidman, Heather Graham, Kirsten Dunst and Christina Aguilera. He's hot this summer, and so are they. So is the porch. What else is new?
When Beyonce Knowles, co-star of "Austin Powers in Goldmember," starts moaning, "My life can be lonely," I can tell you why without reading one word further.
Is it because she's too stunning? Too rich? Too talented? No, my friends. It's because she's working too hard! Quel surprise!
So "Live With Regis & Kelly" co-host Kelly Ripa is fighting to save her marriage? You mean you can't be professionally perky all day long and remain Prozac-like perky in your personal life, too? I thought we learned that back with Kathie Lee. Heck, I thought we learned that with Judy Garland!
And all the while, Oprah is slimming and Rosie is gaining, and next week it'll be vice versa, except that Rosie has a baby on the way (for a change) and Oprah's postponing her wedding (for a change).
And, oh yeah, Paul McCartney and his new bride are at each other's throats. Like we all couldn't see it was too soon after Linda?
Celebrities might pay more for their shoes and divorces, but really they aren't that different from the rest of us: dieting, dreaming and desperately trying to end up with something more than Fido and an infomercial contract at the end. As a student of life, literature and the grocery store checkout line, I know that.
I know what's going to happen with Tom and Penelope, too. But I won't spoil it for you.
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