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Jewish World Review May 30, 2003 / 28 Iyar, 5763

Lenore Skenazy

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Consumer Reports

Some other tickets I'd like to see | NEW YORKMilk-crate sitting and pigeon feeding? That's what the police are giving tickets for these days? As if we don't have bigger problems to deal with - like co-workers who stir their coffee and then put the spoon back in the sugar, and callers who leave their phone numbers too quickly on the answering machine?

Mayor Mike - why not target New York's real crimes? We need these laws now!

Totes Reform: From now on, your right to carry a kiddie-pool-size umbrella ends where my eye socket begins. Bone-dry scofflaws shoving the rest of us off the sidewalk shall be fined and then poked a couple times, for good measure. Confiscated umbrellas will be donated to needy hot dog stands.

Hey, Baby, I Could Show You a Good Time (If You Enjoy Hanging Out With Inarticulate Jerks): Any construction worker who can't come up with something more creative than "Yo!" "Yo, Mama!" or, "Yo, Baby, Yo!" will have the contents of his lunchbox (including Thermos) emptied onto his head or lap. Ladies' choice.

New Register, Old Story: When in the course of a long line at the supermarket, a new register suddenly opens, any person from the end of the old line shall be prohibited from sprinting to the front of the new line. If s/he shrugs and pretends that the new line was up for grabs, his/her purchases shall be rung up by a cashier trainee who can't override a mistake without the manager coming over with the key. This manager shall be, by law, in the back.

It's Getting Loud in Here: If, while quietly standing next to an individual in an elevator, subway or bus, you can tell exactly what song that individual is listening to on his/her headphones, said headphones shall be removed, twisted into modern sculpture, swung in the air and stomped underfoot. Innocent bystanders on that bus/train/elevator are then to serenade the perp with an excruciatingly unhip song like "Afternoon Delight."

Friends Let Friends Drink: Water, that is. Any public park with a nonworking drinking fountain shall be required to provide bottles of Evian for all visitors. If the garbage can at the park then overflows with empty bottles, the park shall be fined for litter accumulation.

Socks on the Beach: Are fine. But vendors peddling tube socks at a street fair shall be fined $2 for every pair, or 3 for $5, for not coming up with something more interesting to sell. Similarly, funnel cake vendors shall be sentenced to one hour of being back-rubbed in public, by a stranger, facing the street.

Please Re-Lease Me: No. Those city dwellers caught bragging about their rent-controlled apartments will find themselves out on the street with only a copy of the Village Voice "shares" classifieds.

Cell Phones: Talk on one while crossing the street, and the cabbie gets a free pass for hitting you. But if the cabbie is on a cell phone, too, it's a wash.

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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.


05/28/03: Bottled up by HMOs
05/22/03: We have ways of making you sing
05/20/03: Losing interest in reality
05/13/03: Time & tech wait for no mom
05/08/03: Duck Peking, but not Chinatown
04/29/03: The new SUV - station wagons
04/22/03: Toy alarmists can often be real yo-yos
04/15/03: The Bud Lites of Manhattan
04/01/03: Is that a poem in your pocket?
03/26/03: The view from here --- powerless
03/24/03: Old soldiers never lie
03/18/03: May you choke on your mustache
02/28/03: Iraq needs a dose of reality (TV)
02/20/03: Call the kids the Reheated Generation
02/04/03: Welcome to Mourning TV
01/29/03: Sipping Starbucks on the sly
01/24/03: Golden arches are falling
01/14/03: Designs soar, critics fall flat
01/10/03: Don't smile for the camera
01/06/03: Have they no shame!? My sanity meter is running out
12/31/02: You know, like, resolved
12/23/02: Warning: Art ahead
12/05/02: Hey, boss! Can you hear me now?
12/03/02: Raw & steamy food fight
11/19/02: The new power tie
11/12/02: Googling be gone
11/05/02: Time waits for no blender
10/28/02: As debate rages about 9-11 memorial, a perfect one quietly appears
10/24/02: Your health, their wealth
10/10/02: Sometimes death opens up the door
09/24/02: Reality hits Mickey
09/19/02: Should you report me to the authorities?
09/12/02: War and love: Romance rises from the ashes
08/30/02: If beer is good, spinoffs are great
08/13/02: Braving difficult steps
08/08/02: Can't trust those tourists!
08/02/02: Enquiring about the 'stars'? I already know
07/26/02: Reunions that defy history
07/18/02: Where'd all the logos go?
07/12/02: He's why Boomers leap and twist
07/09/02: Hold on, my molar's ringing
06/25/02: Pitching the fish fork
06/11/02: Water fad is bottled nonsense 06/11/02: 06/07/02: He who brings menus deserves praise
06/04/02: Relish This! The World Trade Center Hot Dog Guy has been found
05/23/02: The return of the tight squeeze
05/15/02: A Little Too Spicy
05/10/02: Okay, start the movie already!
05/07/02: If you win the lottery, you may be out of luck
05/01/02: Driven nuts by drive-time cell phoners
04/16/02: Chats of a lifetime
04/10/02: This Pet Has a Tail to Tell
03/26/02: Hey, New York - Take a Haiku
03/21/02: Your 'victim,' is my 'survivor' is somebody else's 'hero'?
03/19/02: Terrorists, get out your No. 2 pencils
03/14/02: Tribute Has City Back at its Windows
03/06/02: Dumping Ted: Gray Day For the Baby Boomers
02/27/02: Sometimes, lying's the best policy
02/20/02: The Fad That Won't Fade Away
02/12/02: The smoking gun of white-collar crime is making some folks very happy
02/05/02: Exterminators are evolving, too
02/01/02: Don't suffer do drugs
01/22/02: The Blue Light of Happiness
01/18/02: Marlboro's surprising gift to U.S.
01/08/02: Hospitals make me sick
01/02/02: Read-Aloud Resolutions
12/21/01: Nothing's Worse/Than Bad Verse
12/18/01: This Little Dog Bytes
12/13/01: Palm Pilot or Calendar? Paper Wins
12/07/01: The gift of 9/11
12/03/01: Altria Is Really Smokin'

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