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Jewish World Review March 19, 2002 / 6 Nisan, 5762

Lenore Skenazy

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Consumer Reports

Terrorists, get out
your No. 2 pencils | Thank you for applying for the INS E-ZVisa!

Please take a moment to fill out the form below and attach a recent photo. It doesn't have to be a photo of you, of course. What are we, the FBI? Just clip a picture from "People." Heck, we have no idea what you look like! Go wild.

In completing the rest of this application, please remember to use a No. 2 pencil and lie. For example, if you claim your reason for applying is "Osama made me," or even, "Intrigued by virgin rebate offer," this could delay your approval.

Then again, it could speed it up.

In any event, all this paperwork is just a formality. If you're well-educated and criminally insane, you're in. It's those hardworking nannies and busboys we like to hassle. Also those whiny political refugees: "I was tortured for criticizing the dictator, boo hoo."

Puh-leez. We are not in the business of charity here. We are in the business of screwing things up big time. So get cracking, and good luck!

1) I am applying as a:

A: Student

B: Tourist

C: Terrorist

NOTE: If you are NOT applying as a terrorist, please skip to Question 3:

2) I wish to destroy The Great Satan with:

A: Conventional weapons

B: Chemical, biological or nuclear weapons

C: Extra INS paperwork

3) My country of origin is:

A: Evil

B: Hard to pronounce

C: Going to teach your country a lesson

4) Are you now or have you ever been a suicide bomber?

A: Yes

B: No

C: Not successfully

5) What one phrase best describes the United States?

A: A nation of infidels who deserve to die

B: A country full of human dog meat

C: A great place to live, if you're an abomination in the eyes of God

6) Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

A: Define "ever"

B: Not yet

C: You're the federal agency. Go look it up on your index cards.

7) Please misspell your pseudonym as you would like it to appear on your papers: ------

8) Please choose a random date and claim it as your birthday: --------

9) Please misappropriate some unsuspecting citizen's Social Security number: ---------

10) Blood type (circle one): A+, A-, B+, B-, O, Boiling

11) The primary purpose of my stay is:

A: Business

B: Pleasure

C: Martyrdom

IMPORTANT! Are you dead?

A: Yes

B: No

C: By the time you're reading this ... probably

Thank you for your time. You will hear from us promptly within the decade.

JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.


03/14/02: Tribute Has City Back at its Windows
03/06/02: Dumping Ted: Gray Day For the Baby Boomers
02/27/02: Sometimes, lying's the best policy
02/20/02: The Fad That Won't Fade Away
02/12/02: The smoking gun of white-collar crime is making some folks very happy
02/05/02: Exterminators are evolving, too
02/01/02: Don't suffer do drugs
01/22/02: The Blue Light of Happiness
01/18/02: Marlboro's surprising gift to U.S.
01/08/02: Hospitals make me sick
01/02/02: Read-Aloud Resolutions
12/21/01: Nothing's Worse/Than Bad Verse
12/18/01: This Little Dog Bytes
12/13/01: Palm Pilot or Calendar? Paper Wins
12/07/01: The gift of 9/11
12/03/01: Altria Is Really Smokin'

© 2002, New York Daily News