Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Jan. 2, 2002 / 18 Teves, 5762

Lenore Skenazy

JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports

Read-Aloud Resolutions -- WHY is it that every year, it is only us - the parents - who bother making resolutions?

Clearly there is a much simpler way to make our lives saner and svelter: Give the resolutions to the kids.

Imagine all the cigarettes, Scotch and Cinn-a-Bons we could forswear if only our kids kept even a handful of these vows!

When entering an elevator pungent with a stranger's perfume, I will not exclaim, "P.U.!" and hold my nose for the duration of the ride.

I will make every effort to look up from my GameBoy, at least when I cross the street.

After I take a snack from the fridge, I will not perch on the bottom shelf of said fridge to eat it.

I will bring no talking toys to the table. But if I do, I will not insist they be given their own place setting and dessert.

When asked to try a new food, I will sample at least enough to cover one tastebud before making loud gagging noises and spitting into my napkin.

Throughout the meal I will eat with all due speed, neither resorting to mouse bites nor consuming substantial items like bananas or burgers in one single, unclosable mouthful.

I will not kick my doctor anywhere in the bellybutton-to-knee zone, no matter where he/she attempts to shine a light.

Nor will I physically assault the person cutting my hair, clipping my nails or trying to get a teaspoon of cough syrup down my throat.

I will place nothing edible, valuable or breakable in the VCR. If I do, I will warn my parents before they put a tape in.

Once I watch my favorite scene in a movie, I will not rewind the tape to watch it another 16 times, no matter how moving the Pikachu/Ash dialogue.

When I have finished eating all my cereal, I will not turn my bowl upside down to prove it.

Should someone as ancient as my parents insist on saying hello to me, I will not scurry behind my parent's leg in terror.

When spotting a person of remarkable girth, I will exclaim neither, "Boy, are they fat!" nor, "They must eat a lot of food!"

My coat will never lie in a heap 2 inches from where I walked in.

If, for reasons of extreme fatigue, my mother or father decides to skip one tiny element of my bedtime routine - the tummy tickling, the kissing of the stuffed bear, the turning off the light then turning it on again then off again to confuse local monsters, etc. - I will not insist that he/she start the whole thing from the top, under pain of nonstop screaming.

I will accept the fact that homework, teeth brushing, neck washing, vegetables and visiting the relatives are nonnegotiable.

I will not whine.

I will not screech.

I will not spill.

I will not sing the Food Emporium jingle to the exclusion of all other songs.

I will not grab my sibling's favorite toy from his/her clutches and fling it on the floor as if it has cooties.

I will remain incredibly cute and lovable, despite the fact I am no longer acting like any kid you've ever met.

JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.


12/21/01: Nothing's Worse/Than Bad Verse
12/18/01: This Little Dog Bytes
12/13/01: Palm Pilot or Calendar? Paper Wins
12/07/01: The gift of 9/11
12/03/01: Altria Is Really Smokin'

© 2002, New York Daily News