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Jewish World Review August 30, 2002 / 22 Elul, 5762

Lenore Skenazy

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Consumer Reports

If beer is good, spinoffs are great | Remember when oat bran was sweeping the nation? Now comes beer.

At least, that's my prediction. Beer here, beer there, beer muffins, beer bagels, low-fat vanilla beergurt - the works.

Ever since the press pounced on two huge studies showing that a beer a day keeps the doctor away - or at least keeps him in his office while the beer drinker is at the local bar, sliding under the table, far from any white-coated professional who could give his liver a poke and start a gusher - yes, ever since beer became the healthiest thing since sliced wheatberry bread with extra grit, a revolution has been brewing.

The studies showed that moderate beer consumption may trump moderate wine consumption when it comes to staving off heart attacks, hypertension, diabetes, dementia and snobs.

A swig of the humble suds also may boost your good cholesterol and ward off strokes. It may even promote bone density instead of just the usual density ascribed to beer drinkers.

The National Beer Wholesalers Association is so psyched about these developments that it recently held a seminar for its distributors on "Health and Beer."

With things coming to such a head for the golden brew, I can see an amber wave of beer-added products sure to hit our health-crazed nation soon. Stuff like:

Gatorale: What athletes drink when they're losing.

Buditos: Pre-moistened chips that taste like they already fell into your drink.

Beerios: Parda thish nutrishush breakfish.

Keg McMuffin: You deserve a break today - starting on the way to work.

Beer Bellies: Tiny jelly beans that come in every flavor, from Amstel Lite to Dinkel Acker Dark.

Schlitz Crackers: Everything tastes better when it sits with a Schlitz.

Corona Crispies: Free lime wedge inside!

Doan's Little Pilsner: Twice as effective as Doan's little pills.

Pabst Blue Bonnet Margarine: If you think it's butter but it's not, it's really a yellow candle - lit - you've been enjoying Pabst Blue Bonnet Margarine.

Betty Crocked: You'd get blitzed, too, if you spent 60 years pushing cake mix in pearls.

Golden Coke: Everything goes better with this bubbly brew.

Miller Sprite: Tastes bad and it's filling. But heck, the kids are out cold on Golden Coke, so you've got the afternoon free. It's Miller Sprite time.

Sunsweet Cold Filtered Prunes: They're not just for grandma anymore.

Newman's Own Roasted Garlic 'n' Parmesan Ale: Fancy, overpriced, liberal, do-good salad dressing/aperitif that knocks the socks off Wishbone Yeasty Italian.

'Nilla Schaeffer's: From the malt shop to you.

Malt Disney: A variety of beer-based kiddie snacks from a very desperate Michael Eisner.

Stout Fast: Provides 100% of the empty calories Slim Fast users crave.

Nestle's Hic: Makes milk better. Waaaaaay better.

Michelobotomy: Though the head is missing on this new health drink, it's what wage earners want at the end of the day.

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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.


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