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Jewish World Review April 15, 2003 / 13 Nissan, 5763

Lenore Skenazy

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Consumer Reports

The Bud Lites of Manhattan | ITEM: In a bid to raise some extra cash for the city, Mayor Bloomberg announced plans to sell New York's good name to eager companies. - NY Daily News, April 3

Dear Mom!

I'm so glad you're coming to visit the Big Snapple!

Some of the names here have changed a little since your last trip but the basic directions are still the same:

Since you're landing at JFKaopectate, you'll take the Van Wick's Air Freshway toward the Aquafina Race Track. If you find yourself in the Rolling Rockaways, you've gone the wrong way.

Anyway, you can take the freshway all the way to the Marlboro Bridge, or you can get on the Grand Hormel Porkway. Take that to the LIE*trade.

But - hey - if you feel like exploring a little bit, why not take a detour through Queens and check out SaniFlushing or LoJackson Heights? Great neighborhoods! Or if you'd rather see Brooklyn, check out 1-800-MATRESS-Stuy, right off of Yoohootica Ave. Need a breath of salt air? Head down to Ultra-brighton Beach. It sparkles!

I know that I worry too much, but remember: If you find yourself in a pickle, healthwise, all you have to do is get to Burger Kings County Hospital. They'll fix you your way.

About 3 o'clock, you should head into Swanson's Hungry Manhattan. Take the Second Avenue Deli Ave. down to 34th St. and Miracle Whip Way. Go west to Bic Penn Station and park the car.

Buy a MetroCartier, hop in the Subway subway and take the Pep-C train north to ABC Presents Columbus Urkel. Transfer to the A-1 train and go up to 125th St., the heart of Newman's Own Harlemonade. I'll meet you there and show you around - you'll love the world famous Apolly-O String Cheese Theater!

Meanwhile, the cousins are taking the Mickey D'gan down from the CitiBronx. They'll call when they're passing the MGM Grand Concourse. Then we'll all meet up at the FTD Drive and head down to Aunt Carmela's.

She's not on Lexus Ave. anymore - she moved to MadiSony, just a block from the Empire Szechuan Building.

If it's a clear day, we can go up and see all the way from Yankee Doodles Stadium down to the Vera-Wango Narrows Bridge. We may even glimpse the Statue of Libby's Peas!

Wow, I just can't wait till you're here in the City That Never Sleepy's! Like they say: If you can make it here you can make it Frigidaire!

Love - Me.

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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.


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