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Jewish World Review March 18, 2003 / 14 Adar II, 5763

Lenore Skenazy

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Consumer Reports

May you choke on your mustache | Recently, the Arab world convened a couple of summits to calmly discuss what to do about Iraq. The following suggestions ensued. Really.

"Shut up, you monkey! May Allah curse your mustache!"

"These are the words of an infidel and a charlatan."

"You are a liar and your grave awaits you!"

And that was before the lunch break.

With all eyes on the region, this political lingo seems to be seeping into our own:


Hillary Clinton: And so, my colleagues, we must consider how rising drug costs will affect the millions without insurance.

John McCain: Enough of this daughter-of-Eve's talk! She will tax-and-spend us to the hills of Akaba!

Hillary: A pox upon you, populist scorpion! May your approval ratings shrink like the deficit in '98!

McCain: May your political career be shorter than a "Feminist Mystique" book signing in Kuwait!

Hillary: Your heart is as hard as an HMO reviewing out-of-network services!

McCain: And you are as weak as the emission standards on a 2003 Humvee! A curse on your headband and all your daughter's headbands!

Hillary: May all your teeth fall out in the middle of a paid political announcement!


Mayor Bloomberg: George, these cuts hurt us!

Gov. Pataki: So? Your city is a festering boil upon the state.

Bloomberg: Your state is a sickly camel slurping dry our well!

Pataki: Cross me and your commuters shall pay no taxes till hell serves free beer and pretzels!

Bloomberg: Your presidential hopes shall be snuffed quicker than a cigar in City Hall!


Bob Dole: In conclusion, to protect democracy at home, we must fight for it abroad.

Bill Clinton: With all due respect, Bob, your argument stinks like a week-old shish kebab.

Dole: Your mouth spews lies as a lobbyist spews perks.

Clinton: Rip the cataracts from your eyes and see how Bush lusts for oil the way other men lust for - lust for, um, cookies.

Dole: Cookies?

Clinton: He is a man without honor! May he find himself in an undisclosed location with only Helen Thomas to talk to!

Dole: May you find yourself a crumb in Saddam's mustache!

Clinton: May you overdose on Viagra and explode like a Macy's firecracker!

Dole: May your wife drag you to couples therapy with Dr. Phil!

Clinton: Hey, hey - easy there!

Dole: Sorry. It's the war stuff. I'm feeling nutty as a tray of baklava. Friends?

Clinton: Friends.

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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.


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10/28/02: As debate rages about 9-11 memorial, a perfect one quietly appears
10/24/02: Your health, their wealth
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09/24/02: Reality hits Mickey
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09/12/02: War and love: Romance rises from the ashes
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02/05/02: Exterminators are evolving, too
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12/21/01: Nothing's Worse/Than Bad Verse
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