Jewish World Review August 1, 2003 / 3 Menachem-Av, 5763

Drs. Michael A. Glueck & Robert J. Cihak

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Resuscitating the Constitution; CPR American Style | Winston Churchill once remarked that those who love the law and those who love sausage should not watch either being made.

Let's make some sausage. Specifically, legal sausage. Let's try to envision what our Constitution would be like, were it to be written today.

Now, this does not mean that we're starting from scratch. The Founders didn't. The masterpiece of 1787 had behind it centuries of English constitutional and common law; the colonial experience; twelve years of confederal government under the Articles of Confederation; lessons learned from Native Americans; and of course, a profound French influence, derived especially from three great men: Philippe O'Sophe, Lafayette Escadrille, and L'Enfant Plaza.

One reason our revolution succeeded where theirs produced the Reign of Terror and Napoleon is that, unlike the French, our Founders knew when to stop reading French political documents.

So let's meld their wisdom to ours and get it right for the times.


The Legislative Branch shall consist of an Estates-General, to be composed of three Houses: Media, Special Interests, and Consumers. Alternatively, the present Legislative Branch may be retained, provided they agree that:

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The seniority system is hereby abolished. Each House shall elect its officers and committee chairs at the start of each Congress, without regard to the length of service of its members.

No piece of legislation may deal with more than one subject. The use of irrelevant amendments, riders, and other parliamentary devices to enable reckless spending and idiotic legislation is prohibited. Further, each Member must certify before every vote that he or she has actually read and understands the legislation under consideration.

To ensure faithful compliance, the Senior Page of each House is authorized to administer unannounced spot quizzes. The Sergeant-at-Arms of each House shall bar any Member failing such examinations until he or she passes.

No person may be seated to either house unless agreeing that upon leaving, or voted out by the electorate, to take exit exams for their "open-to-the-public" permanent file folders. The people need to know how much brain damage is caused by being a career politician.

No lawyer may be elected to either House or, if elected, seated, unless upon formal and permanent renunciation of his or her profession, attitudes, and habits.


The Judicial Branch shall consist of a Supreme Court and of such inferior courts as may be necessary to keep the Supreme Court busy regulating every aspect of our lives. The Supreme Court shall consist of nine Justices, three straight, three gay, and three who've forgotten.

Be it further enacted that no Supreme Court decision shall have binding Constitutional significance, unless the vote be 6-3 or greater.

No lawyer may serve, save upon formal and permanent renunciation of his or her profession, attitudes, and habits.


Executive power shall be vested in a President and Vice President, to be selected by the Estates General from one of the four basic political factions: Over the Top, Around the Bend, Off the Wall, and out to Lunch. Further, whenever the President shall be of the male persuasion, the Vice President shall be of the female, and vice versa.

The President and Vice President may serve one six year term only, and are not eligible for re-election.

The Department of Defense is hereby redesignated the Department of Do as We Say.

The Department of State is hereby redesignated the Department of Do as They Say.

The Department of Education is hereby redesignated the Department of Political Correctness and Diversity.

The Department of Justice is temporarily abolished until we figure out what justice is and what "is" is.

All other Departments shall be merged into one Department of Entitlements, save for the Department of Homeland Security, which shall be known as the Department of Domestic Inconveniences.

No lawyers need apply.

Finally, the PREAMBLE shall read:

We the People of the United States, confident that our civilization requires neither civic virtue nor patriotism nor effort nor sacrifice on anybody's part; serene in the belief that we can run deficits, export jobs, and trash our environment indefinitely; certain that there's a government fix for everything; and truth, morality, and competence are irrelevant; do hereby declare the United States of America, eternal.


Henceforth, there will be one single income tax with a flat rate of 90 percent to support the "single payer plan" so everyone, legal or not, will receive "free" medical care.

The writers thank Dr. Philip Gold, president of Aretéa, Seattle-based public and cultural affairs research center, for his legal (whoops-licit) advice.

Michael Arnold Glueck, M.D., is a multiple award winning writer who comments on medical- legal issues. Robert J. Cihak, M.D., is past president of the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons. Both JWR contributors are Harvard trained diagnostic radiologists. Comment by clicking here.


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