Jewish World Review April 9, 2003 / 7 Nisan, 5763

Drs. Michael A. Glueck & Robert J. Cihak

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Consumer Reports

The PETA Principle -- The lambshank Redemption | And in the Beginning

Two years ago, we suffered through the Mad Gefilte-Fish Disease pandemic (a pandemic, by definition, is an epidemic that starts in a pan).

A year ago, we had the Great Matzoh Caper. Two weeks ago, we informed our readers once again, you heard it here first of the GAFFE (Genetically Adapted Fatless Featherless Engineered) Chicken and the imminent schmaltz (chicken fat) shortage.

And Along Came PETA's First Gaffe -- The Dolphin

Fortunately, you don't have to be Jewish, or much of anything else, to commit the kind of gaffes that arouse the ire of PETA, aka Protesters Enamored of Talking Angry, and their equally strident defenders in the Anarchic Chaotic Licentious Utopians, or ACLU.

So, what did your poor hostile Medicine Men do? Well, it started with the bumper stickers we've been sporting of late: "I'm Carnivorous and I Vote." Clever, no?

Which brings us back to PETA, the real PETA, and our contention that some groups never miss a chance to look foolish, no matter how inopportune the timing. Call it the PETA Principle! Last week, animal rights activists blasted the U.S. Navy for its use of mine-detecting dolphins in the war with Iraq because, according to the activists, the marine mammals "have not volunteered" to be part of the war.

Stephanie Boyles, a wildlife biologist with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), said the use of dolphins to sweep for mines in Iraq is "just ridiculous."

Another spokesperson, who didn't wish to be identified, told us that PETA would prefer that 2,000 American men and women be blown up in battle than injure one dolphin. When we responded that the dolphins are perfectly free to swim away and never return, he made a gurgling fish sound and slammed down the phone.

Undaunted, we decided to use our seal phones to call Lt. Commander Derrick Dolphin of the Finfantry. He said that PETA's comments were a bunch of fish puckey. "We dolphins find the mine, tag it with a floating marker and swim home."

It is the perfect balance of man and mammal. All the dolphins were well fed, rested and enjoyed the water games. He noted that everyone had time to lie in the sun and take a bath daily.

And Then Came PETA's Second Gaffe -- The Lambshank

Angered, and to add more saltwater to injury, PETA unexplainably began blasting the Christians and Jews for using lamb bones in their upcoming festive suppers.

Rabbi Arnold Bernard Mark of Temple B'nai Bakkon in Irvine, Calif., rebutted PETA by claiming, "These sheep have already been slaughtered in a Kosher manner.

Not to be outdone in ecumenical protestations, Father Paddy Moriarty of Silicon Valley, vicar of St.'s, a forward-looking establishment that offers, among other things, computerized confessionals, said: "I see no harm in using an already dead bone to commemorate 'The Last Supper.' "

When PETA responded harshly, Paddy (who grew up in the Bronx and still maintains some of his more charming Old World habits) asked: "You maybe want a piece of me?"

How interactive.

Former New York fashion model and current hairstylist to the stars Doris Saunders, in Newport Beach, Calif., told us that PETA must be having a bad-hair day and just needs a good haircut. Like maybe a Tomahawk!

Standing Up for Dolphins and Lambshanks

Personally, we don't care what PETA thinks. We will stand up and fight for our bones. Call it the lamb shank redemption!

And as for those dolphins we think they're rather smart, special and patriotic and admire their contribution to the troops which is something we can't say about some American journalists!

The Wisdom of Solomon

Before filing this column, we ran it past a friend who claims that in one of his past lives he was a senior fellow in King Solomon's think tank, the Center for Proverbial Wisdom. He suggests that if this column offends anyone, they think twice about what's really important in this life.

After all, as old King Sol once put it: "Blessed be the man who knoweth how not to be offended, for he shall live long and prosper, and never be lacking for schmaltz."

Conventional Wisdom

On the serious side and despite our differences the one thing we all should agree on today is that life is pretty precious. And remember to bless our troops, who fight and sometimes die to allow the rest of us to write (often foolishly) and pray as we choose.

A joyous holy season.

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Michael Arnold Glueck, M.D., is a multiple award winning writer who comments on medical- legal issues. Robert J. Cihak, M.D., is past president of the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons. Both JWR contributors are Harvard trained diagnostic radiologists. Comment by clicking here.


03/28/03: American conscience?
03/21/03: West Wimps or Wings: Treatment for Hollywood Hypocrisy
03/13/03: Worldwide schmaltz shortage looms --- all because of a featherless chicken
03/06/03: Legal metastases are killing us
02/28/03: Outside the Jury Box: Seeking Justice rather than a Lottery in Medical Liability
02/21/03: Workforce temperature rising; employer TLC in demand
02/14/03: Malpractice Insurance: They Reap What They Sue
02/12/03: Hawk, Dove or Groundhog: Diagnosis Critical List; Prognosis Uncertain
02/07/03: How about tax cuts for the "rich" and "poor"?
01/31/03: AIDS Bug Chasers
01/24/03: Libertarian moment or movement?
01/17/03: It's not just 'sue the docs' anymore
01/03/03: A pox on the critics; diagnosis sour grapes
01/03/03: If protesting is good for your health; then at least let's root for the home team
12/20/02: Obesidemic (obesity epidemic) or not?
12/20/02: Time for voluntary informed smallpox vaccinations
12/13/02: The real reason the state opposes homeschooling?
12/06/02: Conscience of a former conservative: Portrait of a political metamorphosis
11/27/02: Thanksgiving dinner hazard?
11/22/02: Time to think outside the box and inside the nucleus
11/15/02: The military should be protected from abusive environmental laws in times of war
11/11/02: Does Kyoto Treaty pose more harm than global warming?
10/31/02: Deep thoughts on Baseball, the World Series and Life: How about them Anaheim Angels?
10/23/02: "Pediatric rule" guinea pigs
10/23/02: Once the World Series ends, we need to create a Donnie Moore Day of Remembrance: Sports and mental health
10/18/02: Congress to senior patients: Do as we say not as we do for ourselves
10/11/02: Using pollution "scare labeling" to political advantage
10/04/02: The Great Asbestos Heist: Did Litigation and Junk Medical Science Helped Bring Down the World Trade Center?
09/27/02: The imminent rise of civic feminism: A far healthier national alternative in war and peace
09/20/02: A Ray A Day" to replace the daily apple?
09/13/02: Beware of celebrities hawking drugs
09/06/02: Avoid 9/11 overdose: Give blood to begin "September of Service," SOS
08/28/02: From Doubleday to strikeday: Baseball's collective anxiety attack
08/23/02: Should she or shouldn't she?: An alternative view on treating menopause with HRT
08/16/02: Cooking up defenses against germ warfare
08/02/02: Medicine, crime and canines
07/26/02: Lies, pathologic lies and the Palestinians
07/19/02: Medicare Drug Follies as in "now you see it, now you don't"
07/12/02: Anti-Profiling: A New Medically False Belief System
07/08/02: Don't procrastinate, vaccinate!
06/28/02: The scientific advances on the safe and effective deployment of DDT are being ignored, or denied. Why?
06/21/02: Sex and the system: In seeking healthcare men are different from women
06/14/02: The FDA, drug companies and life-saving drugs: Who's the fox and who's the hen now?
06/07/02: Medical Privacy Lost: A hippo on the healthcare back!
05/24/02: To clean up America's game: A (soggy) ground rule
05/10/02: Free speech is good medicine
05/03/02: Medicine's Vietnam
04/26/02: Attack on alternative medicine could lead to alternative lawsuits
04/12/02: Insure the 'crazies'?
04/09/02: No Time for Litmus Tests: In War We Need a Surgeon General and NIH, CDC, and FDA Directors
04/02/02: The scoop on soot: A dirty rotten shame?
03/22/02: Too many beautiful minds to waste: The first annual Caduceus Movie
03/15/02: Terror and transformation: Defense essential for health & state of mind
03/08/02: Diagnosis: Delusional
03/06/02: The great matzah famine
03/01/02: Is new Hippocratic Oath hypocritical?
02/15/02: Why the recent moaning about cloning?
02/08/02: Searching for Dr. Strangelove
01/15/02: Score one for the value of human life
01/04/02: Medical-legal-financial wake-up call
12/28/01: Who's afraid of a 'dirty bomb'?
12/21/01: End of medicine?
12/14/01: More heroes: Docs deserve a little credit after 9/11
11/16/01: Do we need 'Super Smallpox Saturdays'?
11/09/01: Why the post-9-11 health care debate will never be the same
11/01/01: Common sense good for our mental health
10/26/01: Your right to medical privacy --- even in terror time
10/12/01: Failed immigration policy ultimately bad for nation's mental health: Enemy within leads to epidemic of jumpy nerves
09/28/01: Can legal leopards change their spots: A treat instead of a trick
09/21/01: Civil defense again a civic duty
08/30/01: Shut down this government CAFE
08/23/01: School Bells or Jail Cells?
08/15/01: Time to take coaches to the woodshed
08/10/01: Blood, Guts & Glory: The Stem of the Stem Cell controversy

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