Jewish World Review April 9, 2003 / 7 Nisan, 5763
Drs. Michael A. Glueck & Robert J. Cihak
The PETA Principle -- The lambshank Redemption
And in the Beginning
Two years ago, we suffered through the Mad Gefilte-Fish Disease pandemic (a
pandemic, by definition, is an epidemic that starts in a pan).
A year ago, we had the Great Matzoh Caper. Two weeks ago, we informed our
readers once again, you heard it here first of the GAFFE (Genetically
Adapted Fatless Featherless Engineered) Chicken and the imminent schmaltz
(chicken fat) shortage.
And Along Came PETA's First Gaffe -- The Dolphin
Fortunately, you don't have to be Jewish, or much of anything else, to
commit the kind of gaffes that arouse the ire of PETA, aka Protesters
Enamored of Talking Angry, and their equally strident defenders in the
Anarchic Chaotic Licentious Utopians, or ACLU.
So, what did your poor hostile Medicine Men do? Well, it started with the
bumper stickers we've been sporting of late: "I'm Carnivorous and I Vote."
Which brings us back to PETA, the real PETA, and our contention that some
groups never miss a chance to look foolish, no matter how inopportune the
timing. Call it the PETA Principle!
Last week, animal rights activists blasted the U.S. Navy for its use of
mine-detecting dolphins in the war with Iraq because, according to the
activists, the marine mammals "have not volunteered" to be part of the war.
Stephanie Boyles, a wildlife biologist with People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals (PETA), said the use of dolphins to sweep for mines in
Iraq is "just ridiculous."
Another spokesperson, who didn't wish to be identified, told us that PETA
would prefer that 2,000 American men and women be blown up in battle than
injure one dolphin. When we responded that the dolphins are perfectly free
to swim away and never return, he made a gurgling fish sound and slammed
down the phone.
Undaunted, we decided to use our seal phones to call Lt. Commander Derrick
Dolphin of the Finfantry. He said that PETA's comments were a bunch of fish
puckey. "We dolphins find the mine, tag it with a floating marker and swim
It is the perfect balance of man and mammal. All the dolphins were well
fed, rested and enjoyed the water games. He noted that everyone had time to
lie in the sun and take a bath daily.
And Then Came PETA's Second Gaffe -- The Lambshank
Angered, and to add more saltwater to injury, PETA unexplainably began
blasting the Christians and Jews for using lamb bones in their upcoming
Rabbi Arnold Bernard Mark of Temple B'nai Bakkon in Irvine, Calif.,
rebutted PETA by claiming, "These sheep have already been slaughtered in a
Not to be outdone in ecumenical protestations, Father Paddy Moriarty of
Silicon Valley, vicar of St. Dot.com's, a forward-looking establishment
that offers, among other things, computerized confessionals, said: "I see
no harm in using an already dead bone to commemorate 'The Last Supper.' "
When PETA responded harshly, Paddy (who grew up in the Bronx and still
maintains some of his more charming Old World habits) asked: "You maybe
want a piece of me?"
Former New York fashion model and current hairstylist to the stars Doris
Saunders, in Newport Beach, Calif., told us that PETA must be having a
bad-hair day and just needs a good haircut. Like maybe a Tomahawk!
Standing Up for Dolphins and Lambshanks
Personally, we don't care what PETA thinks. We will stand up and fight for
our bones. Call it the lamb shank redemption!
And as for those dolphins we think they're rather smart, special and
patriotic and admire their contribution to the troops which is something
we can't say about some American journalists!
The Wisdom of Solomon
Before filing this column, we ran it past a friend who claims that in one
of his past lives he was a senior fellow in King Solomon's think tank, the
Center for Proverbial Wisdom. He suggests that if this column offends
anyone, they think twice about what's really important in this life.
After all, as old King Sol once put it: "Blessed be the man who knoweth how
not to be offended, for he shall live long and prosper, and never be
lacking for schmaltz."
On the serious side and despite our differences the one thing we all
should agree on today is that life is pretty precious. And remember to
bless our troops, who fight and sometimes die to allow the rest of us to
write (often foolishly) and pray as we choose.
A joyous holy season.
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Michael Arnold Glueck, M.D., is a multiple award winning writer who
comments on medical- legal issues. Robert J. Cihak, M.D., is past
president of the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons.
JWR contributors are Harvard trained diagnostic radiologists.
Comment by clicking here.
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