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Jewish World Review Feb. 23, 2001 / 30 Shevat, 5761
James Lileks
It's the moustache, perhaps. Saddam has one of those iconic moustaches that's just a little bit Hitler, just a little bit Stalin. From Hitler he gets his madness and impetuosity; from Stalin, crafty cruel longevity. Never mind bombing his radar facilities, or shooting down his planes: infiltrate the palace, drop a depilatory into the water supply, and render him as hairless as Quadaffi. He'd be out of power in a day.
Could work. Worth a try. Nothing else does the job. No one would be surprised if, in 2011, the Jeb Bush administration
attacks Saddam. Colin Powell leads the news conference. "We regard this as a crippling of Saddam's biological warfare
capabilities," he'd say. A reporter might ask how they had any capabilities left, given that the country have been pulverized for
20 years.
"We've struck hard at the fields which produce the straw, which is used to make the huts in which Saddam's scientists have
been weaving a slingshot capable of delivering a rock to a target 70 feet away. Presumably, they could cough on the rock and
spread a nasty cold, sop we regard this as a crippling of Saddam's biological warfare capabilities."
Not to say the Allied forces shouldn't hit Saddam. But you just wish they'd hit, well, Saddam. Yes, a radar facility gets
blown to bits. Yes, a violation is repaid with swift action. Yes, some complicit technicians get atomized, along with some
hapless draftees. But Saddam still has ten toes and ten fingers at the end of the day; we didn't even muss his hair.
His hair needs serious mussing.
If anything, the attack demonstrates the contrast between the Bush and Clinton administration - but what doesn't, nowadays.
If the press was throwing a hussy-fit over his latest female problem, well, Bill could bump it off the front page by sending troops
or rockets hither and yon. And if anyone accused him of doing exactly what he was doing, well, the accusation itself would
sound so unthinkable that it just hung in the air like a ripe belch during a Papal homily. To think that the Commander in Chief
would put troops in harm's way for personal goals! And we'd get the wagged finger and the bitten lip and the hoarse denial,
and all the other props trotted out when he sincerely, honestly, needed to lie.
No more. A few cranks floated the notion that Bush was trying to stifle the furor over the collision of a sub with a Japanese
trawler, but the accusation fell flat. Trying to pin a devious double-meaning to Bush's decision to smack Iraq ended up
skewering those who doubted his motives; it made them realize how Clinton's black-hole ego sucked and corrupted everything
into his personal orbit, redefined everything to conform to Clinton's needs
If nothing else, we've learned this: it's possible to use military force to defend national interests first and foremost.
Imagine that.
As if to remind everyone why he remains Tomahawk bait, Saddam promptly announced the formation of a 300,000 man
army to retake Jerusalem. It's the old familiar play: when it doubt, promise to kill some Jews. The man in the street will just
love you. The Western reporters might recoil a tad, but well, if the Israelis get pushed into the sea, there'll be enough useful
idiots in the press to blame the Jews for not marching to sea voluntarily.
It's the same ancient game, and it won't end soon. Figure two Dubya terms, two Jeb terms, two Hillary terms. Add that to
one Bush Pere terms, two Clinton terms: You have 36 years of low-level war. If Saddam fathered a kid when this all began,
he'll be ready to take over when the nation's supply of Clintons and Bushes is exhausted. Saddam will be dead.
The
moustache will live
02/09/01: In search of the the first ashtray thrown by a member of the First Family
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