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Jewish World Review Jan. 24, 2001 / 29 Teves, 5761
James Lileks
So said one camp. Others believed that a pardon is, itself, an
indictment; it's one of those absolutions that applies as much mud as it
removes. Well, conservatives might not be so hep to give the Big Creep a
pass when they learn all the executive orders he's been signing. Herewith a
sample that greeted Dub on day one:
Executive Order #01001: Replenish the nation's Strategic Intern Reserve.
In the last two years, the good people of the Heartland have shown a marked
disinclination to send their daughters off to Washington to serve as
underpaid lapdancers for the executive branch and its defenders. An
unusually harsh political climate this fall required the government to tap
in to the Strategic Reserve, and unless it's refilled, future presidents may
be forced to import interns for furtive, exploitive groping sessions.
Executive Order #01002: Everyone is hereby ordered to leave Alaska. You
have 48 hours. Let's go. Move it out. Special bonuses will be given to the
people who voluntarily feed their children to the caribou. In order to fully
restore Alaska to its original pristine beauty, all oil removed from the
state will be returned and forced back into the ground. Space-based lasers
will reshape the coastline to conform to Bill Clinton's profile. Booya!
Legacy!
EO #01003: "Yertylism," meaning "One who follows the teachings of
Seuss' "Yertyl the Turtle," is a legitimate word for the purposes of
Scrabble, thereby reversing the outcome of that game Clinton lost in
college. The FBI is hereby ordered to find that guy who won the game, and
tell him about this order. But take your time, boys. Flash your badges and
request entry into his house. Have a helicopter going overhead, too.
EO #01004: Institute new OSHA regs that will require home offices to be
subject to strict ergonomic standards, including straight-backed chairs with
shoulder-clamps that discourage slumping. When Republicans complain, dig up
some old racist GOPer who voted against civil rights and seat belts, and say
there's a "troubling pattern" here.
Additional orders: CNN and Time are hereby required to run stories on
Slumping as a national epidemic, complete with film of children slumping in
school. Christy Todd'll have no choice but to get behind an anti-slumping
epidemic. Bonus: some nutcase is guaranteed to shoot an inspector, and
that's always good for a few more gun laws. The editorial cartoonists can be
counted on to draw Charlton Heston making a baby slump at gunpoint. With a
little work, government can do for "slump" what it did for "sprawl" - make
it a word that automatically stigmatizes its opponents.
EO #01005: Executive Mansion carpenters are ordered to shave 1/16th
inch off one leg of all White House chairs and tables, just to drive GW nuts
and make him shim them up with matchbooks and magazines. Also, the staff is
hereby requested to write "Property of George Bush Sr." on a bunch of my old
Playboys, and stick Œem in an Oval Office drawer where Shrub'll find them
some day. Just for grins.
EO #01006: All White House staff must use air quotes when they say "Mr.
President." He'll just hate that.
EO #01007: All town in America named "Jerusalem" will be partitioned,
and will let the PLO have half the city council seats. Someone's going to be
sorry they didn't let him solve this one, and if it's a buncha Rotarians in
Jerusalem, Iowa, fine by him.
EO #01008: Sharon Stone can just come right over and set that sweet
thing down in that there chair until this here list is finished. And that's
not just an order, that's an executive order.
EO #01009: The writers of "West Wing" are hereby requested to write
Martin Sheen out, and Bill Clinton in. You boys figure out the details, but
let's get it done by the spring sweeps.
EO #01011: Barbra Streisand ordered to stay away from the White Hou -
no, that's not punishment. Barbra Streisand hereby ordered to spend every
night at the White House. Serves 'em both
01/22/01: Hey, Dubya: Wanna save Ashcroft? Teach him to rap!
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