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Jewish World Review Jan. 3, 2005 / 22 Teves, 5765

Mort Zuckerman

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What they should have said

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | President George W. Bush on Sen. John Kerry 's constantly changing positions on the war in Iraq: "He has sat on the fence for so long that the iron has entered his soul."

Senator Kerry on Bush: "I would trust my honorable opponent with anything, except, that is, public office."

Bush on Kerry 's campaigning: "He went around the country stirring up apathy."

Kerry on Bush 's plain-spoken speeches: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a listener to the dictionary."

The media, after listening to Bush 's stump speech over and over: "It is deja moo--the feeling you have heard this bull before."

Kerry on his stump speech: "Let no one say that I have said nothing new. The arrangement of the material is new."

The media on Kerry 's style: More like JFK Jr. than JFK.

The media on Kerry 's speeches: "The secret of a good speech is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible."

Teresa Heinz Kerry on her conversations with her husband: "He speaks to me as if I were a public gathering."

The press on the country's reaction to the choice between Bush and Kerry: "It was the evil of two lessers."

Vice President Dick Cheney on political jokes: "I don't approve of them. I have seen too many of them get elected."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on the valor of American forces in Iraq: "For those who have fought for it, freedom has a taste that the protected will never know."

The public 's frustration with Congress: "We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."


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Republican Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist on former Democratic Senate leader Tom Daschle: "He enjoys prophesying the imminent fall of the Republican majority in the Senate and was prepared to play a part, any part, in its burial--except the one for which he is qualified, that of a mute."

Republican Speaker Dennis Hastert on Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi: "She has all the qualities of leadership, except followers."

Republic strategist Karl Rove on senior Kerry adviser Bob Shrum 's record of 0 for 8 in presidential politics: "He always played the game, and he always lost."

The Democrats on CIA assessments: "They have the ability to predict what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year--and then they have the ability afterward to explain why it didn't happen."

Democratic leaders on Republican fiscal and budgetary estimates: "They keep three sets of figures--one to mislead the public, another to mislead the Democrats, and a third to mislead themselves."

Democrats on the Vietnam Swift Boat Veterans for Truth campaign attacking Kerry: "Ads hominem."

Former Rep. Lee Hamilton on his retirement: "Being a congressman feeds your vanity and starves your self-respect."

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon on the death of Yasser Arafat: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."

A French book reviewer on Bill Clinton 's autobiography, My Life: "In France, the public life of a president starts from the waist up."

Special prosecutor Kenneth Starr on receiving Clinton 's book:"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I will waste no time reading it."

Comedian Jon Stewart on his politics: "I am a Marxist of the Groucho tendency." Stewart on TV talk shows: "A discussion in which each side is convinced it is right, but the opposing commentator hasn't realized it yet."

TV talk show host John McLaughlin: "Vote for the man who promises the least, for he will be the least disappointing."

Theme of single women from Sex and the City: "Men are like parking spaces: All the good ones are taken; the rest are for the handicapped."

AARP 's advice to its members: "Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older it will avoid you."

Sen. Hillary Clinton on feminism: "If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle."

One contender 's request of Donald Trump on his TV show The Apprentice: "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can make me happy."

Trump 's response: "Why should I care about happiness? It can't get me money."

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JWR contributor Mort Zuckerman is editor-in-chief and publisher of U.S. News and World Report. Send your comments to him by clicking here.

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© 2005, Mortimer Zuckerman