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Jewish World Review Sept. 6, 2002 / 29 Elul, 5762

Michael Kelly

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Consumer Reports

I'm going to get rich just by answering my e-mail |

THERE ARE 1,189 UNREAD messages in my in-box. It's time to answer our e-mail.

Dear Dr. Rotimi Ademola,

Thank you for your kind offer (Subject: Request For Help) to pay me $5 million as a "reliable and Reputable person" in exchange for receiving and disposing as per your instructions the $25 million reaped through overbilling multinational oil corporations that it is your duty to deal with as chairman of the contract award and review committee of the federal government of Nigeria. However, and with all due respect, I must decline your offer. I am already in receipt from another offer via e-mail from Dr. Frank Omenka, manager of Bills and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of the Zenith International Bank, PLC, of Lagos, Nigeria, offering me approx. $13 million to receive and dispose of $45 million deposited by a foreign customer "who died along with his entire family in a 1997 plane crash." In conscience, I cannot accept both Dr. Omenka's offer and yours - it would simply be greedy, and there must be someone else you can find of a suitable reputation to help you in your needs.

Dear Dr. Frank Omenka,

I was on the verge of responding in the enthusiastic affirmative to your most generous offer of Aug. 30, when to my shock I received an e-mail from Dr. Spibat Azziz, who also identified himself as the manager of Bills and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of the Zenith International Bank, and who made an offer to me that was identical to yours - indeed, his letter was identical to yours in every word apart from the name of the sender. What is going on here? Has a mistake been made? Or - as I fear - is Dr. Spibat Azziz improperly misrepresenting himself to horn in on our deal? Please advise soonest.

Dear Simon for Governor campaign,

You have been kind enough to send me e-mails nearly every day updating me on the efforts of your candidate, Bill Simon, to defeat Gray Davis for the governorship of California. I don't care who is governor of California, as I do not live there, but I do appreciate the great efforts you have made to keep me "informed." In return, I would like to do you a large favor. I recently declined an offer to make $5 million for helping out the government of Nigeria with a "100 percent risk-free" banking transaction. This transaction can be handled by any "reliable and Reputable person," to quote Dr. Rotimi Ademola, the official who contacted me. Surely, that definition fits Bill Simon to a "T"! I urge you to have Mr. Simon contact Dr. Ademola and put himself forward as a suitable replacement to me. He may use my name.

Dear Reva Fry,

In reply to your e-mail of Sept. 2 (Subject: "you do not satisfy me"), I cannot argue with the logic in your statement that "a man endowed with a 7-8 inch hammer is simply better equipped than a man with a 5-6 inch hammer." But I have no need of your offer to help me in this regard as I am soon to come into a fortune sufficient to allow me to "satisfy" anyone regardless of issues of hammer heft. Ha!

Dear Jayme551547,

Your offer to earn up to 24 percent annually investing in "the most needed and fasted (sic) growing industry in the world-SECURITY!" comes at a most opportune moment. As it happens, I will shortly be in a position to invest more than $13 million. With your plan, I will be able to make over $3 million annually without touching my capital. That is good enough for me! Sign me up!

Dear loki(,

I am not interested in your piddling offer to join your "14-year-old fortune (sic) 500 company growing at a tremendous rate" and "work from home." I do not have to work anymore. I am rich. Please take me off your stupid list. It is for losers.

Dear New Software,

I received your e-mail of Sept. 1 offering to help me "discover EVERYTHING" you ever wanted to know about "ANYONE, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE." Can you please get me EVERYTHING on two Nigerian banking officials, Dr. Frank Omenka and Dr. Spibat Azziz. They promised me $13 million and now will not answer my inquiries. I think at least one of them is not whom he seems to be. Please rush.

Dear Reva Fry,

It appears I will be in need of your services after all. Please rush.

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