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Jewish World Review Jan. 28, 2002/ 15 Shevat, 5762

Kathleen Parker

Kathleen Parker
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Consumer Reports

Hello, Mullah, hello, Faddah/
Here I am at Camp Guantanamo -- Dear Mom,

What can I say? War is hell, but Guantanamo is fab. Temps are hovering in the low 70s, finally got rid of that rat's nest the T'bans called a beard, and am eating better than we ever did at Osama's. I've already put on 10 pounds. When I get out of here, I'll bring you a box of Froot Loops.

When do I get out of here -- now there's the question of the millennium. But, hey, who's in a hurry? Like I said, they feed us, let us shower, pray, write home. They even gave us a mattress, prayer mats and a copy of the Quran. What a bunch of twits.

Speaking of which, have you been following the news about our maltreatment here? It's a hoot. Amnesty International and a bunch of other bleeding-heart organizations have been giving the Americans hell for being hard on us. They said that shaving our heads and beards was a human-rights violation because it humiliated us. I'm telling you, who needs Comedy Central? Me? I'm just happy to be rid of the lice, but don't tell anybody. Ha, ha.

Our self-anointed protectors also say that making us live in these open-air pens is cruel. Obviously, they've never lived in a cave. We've got a roof -- remember those? -- and plenty of shade. The soldiers watching over us are sweating like pigs in their tents while their guys still in Afghanistan would probably trade their baby sisters for a weekend in my "cell."

Anyway, all us guys are loving the attention, as well as the distraction. We're just waiting for the right moment when we can get back to business. All that training wasn't for nothing. Hannibal Lecter, eat your own heart out. One chance, that's all I need, and a Marine's aortic valve will be my breakfast. I hope it's a woman. Nah, just kidding, Ma.

Speaking of women, how's it going over there? I hear lots of mud huts have blue burqa curtains these days. Tch, how Gone with the Wind. As you might have gathered, the Americans have weird ideas about women. Let me put it this way -- Christiane Amanpour! The sexes are totally equal and women act and talk just like men. If they were our women living under our laws, we'd have to shoot every last one of them.

But typical of these Western psychos, n'est-ce pas? Americans don't realize that they're their own worst enemies. They're so consumed with doing the right thing, with being sensitive (even soldiers have gender-sensitivity training, for Allah's sake), and not hurting anybody's feelings that they're practically rocking us to sleep at night. Hey, tell Amnesty International I need cable! And while they're at it, I could use some Dasani. This local stuff is a tad cloudy.

As far as I can tell, the only American with any spine or sense is that dude Rumsfeld. Of course, he was a soldier before John Gray started carrying on about Mars and Venus. Are Americans stupid or what? They believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Yeah, right. Anyway, Rumsfeld understands that we would disembowel any American without hesitation or regret. He seems to get it -- that our whole purpose in life is to destroy America.

We don't hate freedom, Mr. Prezzie, we just hate you and all your stinking ilk. That goes for all you hyphenated-Americans, too. Think hard. We shoot our own mothers for stepping outside their houses without our permission, and you think we'd hesitate to rip out a soldier's jugular when he bends down to make sure our handcuffs aren't bruising our little wristy-poos? You gotta love 'em, Mom. We've used their naiveté against them before; we'll do it again and die happy.

Well, I better go now. They just called us to prayer (die laughing here) and I'm hoping for a quick nap before dinner. Ciao for now.

Love, Muhammad Mohammed Mohamed.

P.S. That time I beat you for laughing too loud? Sorry, I didn't mean it. By the way, have you gone back to your anesthesiologist job yet?

JWR contributor Kathleen Parker can be reached by clicking here.

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