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http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
To: Ariel Sharon
Re: Top 20 Ways to Get Rid of Arafat
Arik, I know you're a busy man, and you no doubt get
lots of cockamamie ideas and unsolicited eitzes, advice, on how
to run the country. Well this is different. I once
took a psychology course in University.
Given that you've gone on record as saying you don't
want to kill Arafat or destroy the PA, you need to
think, as we say here, "outside the box".
Seeing as
you've got him nicely caged there in Ramallah (a
"happenin' town if ever there was), here's some ideas
on how you can hasten his "resignation" or at least
his packing up and moving out of the neighborhood,
for good. Possibly to Saudi Arabia, where he can join
other former dictators in "retirement", like Idi Amin
and that Papa Doc guy from Haiti. Or perhaps the next
NASA trip to Mars. I understand the Russians are
eager to have paying millionaire passengers on their
trips to the International Space Station. Considering
what Arafat's stolen from his own people and stashed
in Swiss Bank accounts, he could afford 300 or so
trips.
So here goes, in no particular order;
1. Elect him as a Synagogue or Jewish organization
president - within a week, he'll have thousands of
knives in his backside, and hordes of kvetching
nobodys telling him how to run his "business"
2. Put him up for international adoption or auction on
ebay. Cash only, no minimum.
3. Send him on a World Tour for Lost Causes, starting
in Afghanistan, followed by the Congo, Nigeria, Haiti,
Uganda, Zimbabwe, Albania, Serbia and Syria.
4. Make him the UN's next International Ambassador for
"Peace in Our Time", touring world capitals for
eternity - if the airlines don't lose his luggage, or
the heavy French food in Geneva's four-star
restaurants or UN bureaucracy don't do him in, no
doubt one of his "escorts" will.
5. Appoint him as CNN, Reuters, and the Guardian's
Ombudsman to investigate and report on charges of
"allegedly" biased reporting. He should turn himself
into a pretzel trying to do that.
6. Given his security background, appoint him to a
really important security job, like, say, as Britney
Spears' poodle's bodyguard
7. Bombard his office with unsolicited emails,
telemarketers, and round-the-clock door-to-door
salespeople. Remove the "No Visitors Allowed Without
Certified Checks" sign on his front door.
8. Re-route all consumer complaints department lines,
or at least the local pizzerias and Chinese take-outs,
to his personal phone number
9. Create a REAL Palestinian democratic parliament and
free press, where he has to answer to his own people
for his errors in leadership (okay, this is a long
shot)
10. Call up the National Enquirer and link him
(anonymously, of course) romantically to Tonya
Harding, the Unabomber, Senator Hilary Clinton and
Ellen Degeneris. They'll take it from there. Should
make for some interesting headlines.
11. Appoint him as Gary Condit's press agent for his
future bid for the US presidency in 2004.
12. Convince him that Disco and Punk Music are really
back in style, and convince him to do an MTV video
13. Book him onto U.S. Sesame Street as a new
character - "Little Jimmy Jihad" - shouldn't be much
of a stretch for him - I hear they've already got
similar characters on the Palestinian TV version.
14. Bring in some really nasty neighbors (like
bikers) who play their loud music 'til 4 am every night
15. Make him the next Green Peace poster child for
their forthcoming "Save Our Endangered Terrorist"
campaign
16. Set up a concession stand and charge admission to
view the "world's most dangerous terrorist." Charge
visiting European diplomats double price. (Do you know
that the San Diego zoo has a "human sapiens" exhibit
where they have a real live couch potato (watching TV
in his undershirt on the couch) and people pay to see
this?)
17. Let Geraldo Rivera interview him - that should be
the end of both their careers - although Geraldo's
survived worse blunders before.
18. Move Yossis Beilin and Sarid, Zehava Gal-On,
Shulamit Aloni, Shimon Peres and the remaining five or
six die-hard "Peace Now" leftists to move in next
door. Invite the European Union to relocate its
parliament to Ramallah (since the current PA
parliament sits unused anyways). Contact the Disney
people about calling this new enclave MidEast
Fantasyland.
19. Introduce him to Tony Soprano, and
"fahgedaboutit". Tony'll know what to do.
20. Appoint him as OJ Simpson's Private Investigator
to uncover who REALLY killed his wife Nicole.
Jewish World Review Feb. 12, 2002 / Rosh Chodesh Adar, 5762
Top 20 Ways to
Get Rid of Arafat
From: Jordan Max (Armchair Prime Minister in Chutz
L'Aretz) 
JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist. Send your comments to him by clicking here.
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