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I NERVOUSLY APPROACHED MY WIFE doing the dishes.
"Got a minute? I've got something really
neat to show you".
She gave me that quizzical look which told me I had exactly ten seconds to make my point.
"Remember how last year we nearly drove ourselves crazy getting ready for Passover? Remember
how we swore that next year would be different?"
"Yes" she replied, skeptically.
"Well, I've solved our problem. I have created the mother of all computer software programs
for the mother of all projects."
"Well" I responded enthusiastically, "first I took some basic project management software,
which I customized to our Passover requirements and timetable, added a few bells and whistles,
modified it with some re-engineering software for maximum efficiencies of labor and materials, and
voila, instant Passover Preparation Workplan! Of course, I did have to use a bit of the Space
Shuttle computer to run it, given its size and complexity, but it's all for a mitzvah,
right?"
"You mean you hacked into the NASA computer for this?" she asked "Isn't that illegal?"
"Shhhh, someone'll hear you. I like to think of it as ‘beta testing'. Besides, just look at
the results" I retorted, trying desperately to change the subject. I proudly displayed my
multi-volume binder set of flow charts, time sequences and multi-coloured, mult-layered task
orders.
"Now the beauty of this system is in its exactitude. I've accounted for all contingencies,
all circumstances, all variables."
"All right, mister programmer hot shot. Let's take a look at your newest mousetrap."she
began, obviously humouring me. She flipped over a few pages. "According to this, you start your
Passover cleaning two weeks before, that's a little tight, I usually start a month before...
"Well, that's only because you haven't optimized your work." I confidently replied.
She glared back, and then, after calming down, said with some apparent glee.. "I think you've
got a few bugs here."
"What do you mean, I've triple tested it. It's perfect!"
"Here, for example, at P minus 13 days. It says here "Evening schedule. Dinner 6:00 to
6:15pm.
Worker 1 vacuums upstairs closet 6:17-6:23. Vacuum upstairs carpet, 6:23-6:30....Worker two
cleans bedroom... Worker 3 empties clothes drawers.... Worker 4 cleans up toys..."
"So?" I asked naively, "what's wrong with that?"
"First of all, dinner takes longer than 15 minutes. Number Two, Worker 1 is still required
to clean up the dinner dishes, worker 2 isn't home from the office until 7:00, worker 3 is busy
doing his homework, workers 4 and 5 can't lift the vacuum, worker 5 has to go to bed by 7:00 so all
has to be quiet, workers 3,4 and 5 have to have baths and be read stories..."
"Okay, okay, I get the point. No problem, I can revise, but this is going to be a lot of
work. So what's your system? You got any better ideas?
"It's rather simple" she replied. "You just work until the work is done, any available
moment.
No fancy systems, no bells and whistles. Here, let me demonstrate. You can get started right
about now. Pick up the vacuum cleaner..."
"That's the thing that makes all that noise when you turn it on?"
"Right on, Space Captain...come on, you missed a spot. Put a little elbow grease into it,
will you?..."
Jewish World Review March 10, 1999 / 22 Adar, 5759
The Mother of
all Projects
By Jordan Max
"So that's where you've been for the past month. Just what are you talking about?"
JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for
The Candian Jewish News.
02/26/99: Purimshpiel '99!
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