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Teshuva by Voicemail
You will no
doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach,
while you
wait. Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh
Hashana,
and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for
Sephardic,
press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available
in other
languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others,
press 8. Please
note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.
If you have never used the Interactive Teshuva Hotline before, you will need to listen
carefully to our
simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch tone telephone users as
a supplement
to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now
begin.
To access
your personalized account of all your known aveiros (transgressions), including dates and
affected
parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties,
please hang up
now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards
HaKadosh
Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all
callers, there is
now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters
will require
several visits to complete their inventory. Humor columnists who frequently exceed their
word counts
or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millenium.
Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we
offer a list
of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key.
Once you have
chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter
your
aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah
because he/she
did it, press 1. If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a
good reason, but
won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't
think you
would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If
you blame the
influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or
drugs, press 6. If
you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press
7.
At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros
or less, we
offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only
for real
tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no
sneaking in
with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals
counts as
two items.
Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our
service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the
contrition code.
For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are
somewhat
sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but
will likely
repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it
unless there
are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are
extremely
sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your
second
cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichos sequence
now....
All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars),
followed by
your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichos
Score and
Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one
calendar
year.
Thank you for visiting the Teshuva Hotline today, and remember, we know
Jewish World Review Sept. 15, 1999 / 5 Tishrei, 5760
By Jordan Max
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
THANK YOU for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven. Due to the
approaching High
Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy.
Please wait
patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue.
Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the
decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your
favourite charity.
JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for
The Candian Jewish News. Send your comments to him by clicking here.
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