Jewish World Review Feb. 26, 1998 / 9 Adar, 5759

Purimshpiel '99!

By Jordan Max

Kotel to be divided
JERUSALEM, Feb. 26 —  After a mammoth debate in the Knesset, and following the threat of withdrawal from virtually every coalition party in the government, an eleventh hour agreement was finally reached to divide up the Kotel to reflect the diverse religious perspectives of the Jewish people.

Accordingly, the Kotel will now be divided into approximately 70 subsections of varying proportional widths to accommodate mixed worship, Reform, Conservative (traditional and liberal sub-sections), secular Israelis (facing the falafel stand), atheists (virtual space only), agnostics (in Tel Aviv), religious Zionists, religious anti-Zionists, tourists (Jewish and non-Jewish), Very Important Machers (VIMS), vegans, and vegetarians. However, details on whether the proportional division would be based on world population or based on actual users still remains in dispute.

El Al to Offer Special Deals
TEL AVIV, Feb. 26 —  El Al, Israel's national airline announced that it was creating its first frequent flyer plan, called Protektzia. Under the plan, frequent flyers who are mothers-in-law will be rewarded by designating them as "co-pilots", inviting them into the cockpit to give pilot free unsolicited eitzes on flying and parallel parking the aircraft, and by using their favorite recipes for in-flight meals.

Netanyahu: "Wye Water Was Spiked"
GOLAN HEIGHTS, Feb. 26 —   Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu revealed during an election interview this week that he suspected someone had placed a well-known antidepressant in the drinking water at the Wye River Plantation, where he and Yasser Arafat agreed to the now-stalled Wye River Agreement. Netanyahu claims that this was the key factor behind his temporarily clouded judgement in negotiating such an agreement.

He declined to name suspects, but hinted that "very happy people" in the United States might know.

Iran to build "peaceful use" reactors"
TEHERAN, Feb. 26 —  The Commonwealth of Independent States (CIS) and the government of Iran formally announced this week that the CIS would be providing technical assistance to build a series of nuclear reactors for Iran, to be used exclusively for peaceful purposes. The plan was immediately hailed by Amnesty International, the Flat Earth Society, Peace Now and Israel's Meretz Party as a welcome advent to world peace.

Ford, GM now Treif too
DETROIT, Feb. 26 —  Following the recent disclosure that both the Ford and General Motor car companies had divisions which were involved with factories in Nazi Germany, Detroit's Chief Rabbi, Raphael Nader, has declared Ford and GM products treif, and stated that Jews should not drive them. The auto manufacturers now joins the list of German, Russian and Japanese companies subject to such a cherem, as well as the more recent addition of Chrysler since its merger with Daimler-Benz. This leaves only British-made vehicles as kosher, although the drivers will have to get used to sitting on the other side. When questioned how Jews can now drive, the Rabbi advised that Jews should simply walk to where they need to go, since most cars are unsafe anyway.

Castro visits Synagogue
HAVANA, Feb. 26 —  In a stunning move, Cuban President Fidel Castro visited a Havana synagogue for the first time since the Revolution. He was overheard to remark that it was his first time in synagogue since his Bar Mitzvah, which placed him on par with a substantial portion of the world's Jewish population. He alluded to his childhood discovery that he was not a Kohen or Levi as the primary cause of his early teenage rebellion, which eventually led to his current occupation.

Israeli Scientists Breed Gefilte Fish
TIBERIAS, Feb. 26 —   Kibbutz Dagim scientists announced that they have now bred and developed a Gefilte fish. They explained that this was done through genetically splicing together four different types of fish, carrot and onion genes, and then raising the boneless fish in special brine ponds. Kibbutz officials expressed confidence that, once patented, the fish would be a real time-saver for harried Jewish housewives preparing for Shabbat and Yomim Tovim. The product is expected to be in supermarkets for Pesach, and will be available in sweet and salty varieties.

Knesset elects record 60 parties
JERUSALEM, Feb. 26 —   With the final tally just in from the Israeli elections for the Knesset, it appears that a record 60 parties received two seats each. The challenge will be for Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, who was elected by the second run-off through direct election, to put together a stable coalition government within the next 60 days and nights. The Prime-Minister-elect immediately took off to Italy to seek advice from its Prime Minister on holding together viable coalition governments

Clinton Benefits from Kabbalah
LOS ANGELES, Feb. 26 —   Recently impeached, but still President Bill Clinton went public today with the revelation that he has become a recent devotee of the Kabbalah Learning Centre, joining the long list of Hollywood and other celebrities, such as Madonna, Barbara Streisand, Jeff Goldblum and Roseanne Barr. Clinton was exuberant in his praise for Kabbalah, which has helped him deal with his current problems and take responsibility for his own life. He says that he now knows that a dybbuk was lurking deep in his subconscious, causing him to take unnecessary personal risks with his personal conduct, and that Chief Prosecutor Ken Starr is in fact a Golem.

PA, Arafat Donor Fund Skimming Kosher
GAZA CITY, Feb. 26 —   Investigators from the United States and the European Union were relieved to discover that the hundreds of millions of donor dollars allegedly being diverted to Yasser Arafat's senior officials' private pockets were instead being re-directed into Arafat's personal UJA pledge and the Palestinian National Fund, which is to be used to purchase Israeli Jewish property during the next Shmitta Year. Arafat denied the diversionary scheme, but declined to elaborate.

JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist.