Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 2003 / 4 Teves, 5764
According to a recent Gallup poll, most Americans want Saddam Hussein tried in an International Court, but 24
percent say a U.S. military court should decide his fate. This, of course, would be a disaster, because America's legal
system is so screwed up, Saddam might wind up a winner. Here's what could possibly happen:
The Ninth Circuit Federal Court of Appeals in San Francisco, a legal body modeled on the philosophy of Che
Guevara and the most overturned federal court in U.S. history, might well rule the military court unconstitutional
because, as we all know, military people have strict rules of behavior and make judgments. The Ninth would never
Immediately after the Ninth ruled, Saddam would find himself in civilian criminal court and would hire Mark
Geragos and Johnnie Cochran to represent him. Geragos would book himself on the Larry King program and declare
that Saddam was not responsible for the mass murderers in Iraq, devil worshipers were. Geragos would convince
Larry that the devil people infiltrated Saddam's inner circle without his knowledge. Only Saddam's sons knew about
the insidious activities. Too bad they're dead.
At the same time, Cochran would be asserting that U.S. forces actually planted the tens of thousands of
bodies that were dug up in mass graves. Yes, that would have been difficult, Cochran would tell the E! Entertainment
Network, but if the Los Angeles police department could plant evidence on every single criminal case it had ever
investigated, then surely the American Armed Forces could transport 100,000 dead bodies into Iraq. E! would also
report that Cochran had evidence Colombian drug dealers actually held Saddam hostage and ordered him to invade
In the preliminary hearing, Geragos would demand Saddam be let out of prison and housed at the Neverland
ranch so he, Geragos, could do the needed leg work on the Michael Jackson case and Saddam's situation at the
same time. Geragos would also file a motion to suppress everything Saddam has ever said in his entire life.
Meantime, Cochran would raise the race issue. He'd produce an American corporal who had uttered anti-Arab
remarks while taking machine gun fire in a foxhole. Using that evidence, Cochran could then weave a brilliant line of
logic: If Americans were so hateful toward Saddam's forces, why wouldn't they develop hideous weapons and violate
international law? Anyone would, it was absolutely a matter of self-defense. Cochran would then have Saddam try on
all his old uniforms and they would not fit. Obviously, then, this man isn't really Saddam after all. He's Scott Peterson.
Geragos would then jump in quickly. If Scott Peterson were in Baghdad all these years, he couldn't possibly
have killed his wife Lacy and their unborn child. Different devil worshipers did that. And Geragos would convince Larry
King that those people worked at Fox News. Al Franken would back him up.
In the end, Saddam Hussein would be acquitted by a jury, which would find reasonable doubt indeed. No
weapons of mass destruction. Planted bodies all over the place. Devil people running wild. No wonder things went
wrong in Iraq. But you can't blame Saddam.
The delighted dictator would then move to Florida and buy a nifty home near O.J., because the Sunshine State
will let you keep your assets no matter how many people you kill and torture. A few months later, Saddam would
appear on "Dateline" and proclaim that he would spend the rest of his days trying to track down the real culprits in Iraq.
He would also file suit for millions claiming Michael Jackson had molested him at Neverland.
American justice. There's none better.
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© 2003 Creators Syndicate