Jewish World Review July 21, 2003 / 21 Tamuz, 5763

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Hey, big spender



http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Outside of watching golf on TV, discussing the budget deficit is the most boring thing in sight. Eyes glaze over, heads drop and throats are cleared whenever the subject of government spending is broached. There is simply no way to engage Americans about the deficit except, maybe, by injecting sex into the discussion, which is exactly what I'm going to do!

The Bush administration is facing $450 billion of red ink because it spends money the old-fashioned way: like Imelda Marcos. Mr. Bush wants you to like him. So he's allotting funds for just about everything, including sex. That's right, George W. Bush has a keen interest in sexual research that will cost the taxpayers at least $1.5 million. The National Institutes of Health will soon begin studying four very vital sexual questions:

  • Why do some Americans take sexual risks?

  • Do older American men experience a decline in sex?

  • What are the habits of Asian prostitutes in San Francisco?

  • And what about homosexuality among Native Americans?

Now, as a guy who pays a ton of taxes, I really don't see the need for any of the above studies unless you are programming a cable television station. And because I love my country, I will volunteer to complete this study right now. The following research is rock solid.

  • Americans take sexual risks because they are a) dumb; b) bored; c) self destructive; or d) all of the above

  • Old guys still like sex, but naps intrude on performance.

  • Asian prostitutes in San Francisco charge money and wear sweaters over their hot pants.

  • Leave Tonto and the Lone Ranger alone!

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OK, there's your study, please put the $1.5 million back in the Treasury.

And it gets worse, much worse. The Bush administration wants to spend an astounding $300 million to convince welfare moms to get married. The thinking here is that traditional homes will not need welfare. Swell, but can't we get this message across for less than $300 mil? Can't we get J.Lo or someone to make a public service announcement gratis? Something like, "Hey, get married, girlfriend! Protect yourself from exploiters who will impregnate you and leave. You know what I'm sayin'?"

The truth is that the federal government spends money irresponsibly, and things are totally out of control. Last year, the feds actually paid some American women to watch porn flicks so a shrink at Northwestern University could measure their sexual arousal. The psychology professor recently issued a report that says women get turned on by all kinds of sexual depictions. That's good to know if you're Hugh Hefner, but what good does it do me and W?

Maybe someday the American people will rebel against the con that is being played on them by our federal government. I mean, come on, can't you just picture Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison sitting around saying, "You know, we should be studying those gay Indians. We need a federal agency doing that. Let's get that going right now."

And if any federal official had actually suggested studying the arousal patterns of women way back then, he would have been doing his research hanging upside down from a tree.

We have, indeed, come a long way from the Founders who envisioned a limited government that protected and served the people. Now, we serve the feds, funding useless, nonsensical programs designed to allow politicians to bring home the pork.

You may be bored by the federal deficit, and I don't blame you. But you should know that the president and Congress are heavily counting on that boredom. The less attention you pay to the deficit, the more they can run it up. Rampant government spending may not be sexy, but then again, it is getting some of us aroused.

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JWR contributor Bill O'Reilly is host of the Fox News show, "The O'Reilly Factor," and author of the new book, "The No-Spin Zone: Confrontations with the Powerful and Famous in America" Comments by clicking here.

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© 2003 Creators Syndicate