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Jewish World Review July 18, 2001/ 27 Tamuz, 5761

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Consumer Reports

There's a woman in my soup -- DON'T get us wrong. We believe in the same rights for everybody, even if they are Parisians or lesbians or maybe especially if they are lesbians or even thespians.

The thespians and lesbians have had a tough time in life: the thespians usually stuck being out of work and the lesbians being stuck in closets. About Parisians we are not so sure. They spend the times between losing wars from which we rescue them in overcharging us for bottled sink water with fancy labels.

Anything that will give a lesbian an even break is all right by us, as long as it is not too even. New York's highest court in overturning two lower courts bent over backwards; a position with which only the girls we used to know who worked in circuses were comfortable.

In 1998 Sara Levin and Maggie Jones attended Yeshiva University's Albert Einstein School of Medicine. Sara Levin's parents, if they are anything like other Jewish parents, were batting one out of three with Sara. Every Jewish parent wants to have their daughter marry a nice Jewish doctor. Sara hooked up with a doctor-to-be, but "he" was a "she", and the "she" was not Jewish.

The two women shared housing provided by the university. The school, however, had a policy that unmarried couples could not live together in student housing. Instead of telling everybody that they were simply two girls with muscles and short hair who just happened to be sharing a room, they either announced or allowed it to be known that they were involved in a lesbian union.

The school would not allow them to live together in university-funded housing, taking the position, subsequently upheld by two lower courts, that the school was not acting in a discriminatory manner since its policy also applied to unmarried heterosexual couples who want to live together in student housing. The highest court said that the real test is whether Yeshiva's rule "disproportionately burdens lesbians and gay men."

It seems to us, conversely, that the school rule discriminates against heterosexual couples.

Let's face it, when a boy and girl want to live together, in most cases you can tell almost immediately which one is the boy and which is the girl. The authorities take one look at them, and that's it! If you want to share your room with an elephant, and the school has a rule against pets, as soon as you put the lights on you can almost immediately tell who is the student and who is the elephant. With people, just by looking at them you can't tell if two people of the same sex are simply friends who are sharing a bathroom, or ... The only way the school can tell the difference is if the people want to make sure the school knows their sexual persuasion.

If this decision stands as the law, homosexual couples will be granted the privilege of living together at a cut rate, something not allowed to heterosexual couples in heat.

This is similar to our immigration and customs policy. Right now a person who suffers from AIDS has to be permitted into the country, but you are not allowed to bring fruit from abroad into America. The only way you can bring a banana into the country is to give it to a guy with AIDS. Our advice therefore to young men and women who want to live together in campus apartments: tell everybody at the school you are gay and want to open up a decorating business on the place?

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.



© 2001, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder.