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Jewish World Review June 27, 2001/ 6 Tamuz, 5761

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Consumer Reports

The Vieques Diet -- DR. ATKINS, you would best be prepared to become a chiropodist, and Weight Watchers to become bird watchers. There's a new diet out there guaranteed to make you lose ten to fifty pounds. You can decide how long you want to stay on the diet, and the government will pick up all the bills while you lose weight. Does this sound like an advertisement for a Nazi concentration camp? By no means. The Nazis put people in camps against their will, tortured, beat, and starved them into becoming living skeletons. People have signed up for the diet we speak about like they are going to get free tickets to a Bar Mitzvah at the Plaza and not have to bring a gift. We are talking about the Vieques diet.

Politicians in New York were going to Puerto Rico to get arrested while at the same time Puerto Ricans in New York were going to Puerto Rico to avoid getting arrested in New York. The only ones making any money on this exchange are the airlines, and in that respect it should be noted that the people arrested in Puerto Rico got a free airline ticket back to New York -- except for Al Sharpton, who needed two seats on the aisle and also half of the aisle.

There is a rumor that the real reason City Councilman Adolfo Carrion, state Assemblyman Jose Rivera, and Bronx Democratic Party chairman Roberto Ramirez were also arrested on May 1 was so that they could balance the plane back to New York. They would sit on one side of the plane while Sharpton would sit on the other. The alternative plan was to launch Sharpton in the water, aim him towards New York, give the other three men oars and tell them to climb aboard.

The Vieques Four thought going to Puerto Rico to protest against the Navy bombing was a good idea. Thoughts of the protest demonstrations after the accidental death of Amadou Diallo danced in their heads. In the Diallo case the protesting trespassers made appointments to be arrested between going for hair and make up and doing lunch at Le Cirque.

The city police led them away in handcuffs, took them around the corner, gave them a summons, and released them in time for lunch. Unfortunately, nobody told a Federal judge in Puerto Rico what the rules were. Sharpton was sentenced to serve 90 days because of his prior conviction for doing the same thing and the other three defendants were sentenced to 40 days.

Sharpton is being held in Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn and upon arrival, said he would go on a hunger strike, existing solely on liquids, until the bombing operations on the island of Vieques ceased. The Associated Press reported that so far Sharpton has lost fifteen pounds. Sharpton losing fifteen pounds is like tearing out a page from the Manhattan phone directory. But it does suggest a new and exciting way to lose weight.

The biggest problem every dieter seems to have is, "I just don't have the will power." Since prison food is a taste delight somewhere between eating cardboard and licking a lamp post, turning down the head waiter at the Metropolitan Correction Center and giving him back the menu should not be difficult. One also does not have the problem of resisting the impulse to run down to the local Krispy Kreme donut shop for a transfusion. The management of the jail frown on evening strolls around town.

Since Sharpton has come up with this fantastic idea for dieting he deserves a hand. But on second thought we better not give it to him. He might eat it.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.



© 2001, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder.