Jewish World Review Dec. 24, 2003 / 29 Kislev, 5764
Gifts for that not-so-special someone
The hot new gift sensation this holiday season appears to be … poop.
Well, maybe not where you shop. But where I shop, at a Web site called, appropriately enough, www.stupid.com, poop is very big.
Take the 2004 Monthly Doos Dog Poop calendar, priced to move at $12.95. Each month features a professionally taken photograph of a majestic vista or tableau (I'm not sure what the difference is, but they're majestic nonetheless) dotted, somewhere, with a pile of poo. Whether the Monthly Doos calendar qualifies as art is a matter of debate, which is why you should most definitely give one of these babies to that artsy-fartsy friend of yours who spends his weekends visiting the galleries and museums while you are at the swamp buggy races swilling beer and digging mud out of your ear. He may be so appreciative that he will never speak to you again.
If you want to send a tasteless gift to that "special someone" on your Christmas list but don't feel like shelling out $13, consider the Candy Pooping Pig, also available through www.stupid.com for $4.99. You put round, bite-size candies (preferably chocolate) inside the little plastic pig, give him a squeeze and, well, you can figure out the rest. The best thing about the Candy Pooping Pig is that it is a gift for all seasons, not just Christmas. You might consider giving it to your wife or girlfriend on Valentine's Day instead of flowers or jewelry. And, please: Don't bother mentioning that I suggested it. I really prefer that you take all the credit.
A more useful and educational poop-related gift is Potty Time Toilet Training Bear. Members of the diaper set will love its plush, cuddly feel and also the bouncy little jingle that Potty Time Toilet Training Bear sings over and over and over again until you, the frazzled, mop-wielding parent, soak Potty Time Toilet Training Bear in gasoline (I'd suggest Super Premium) and set him on fire, possibly alongside the Monthly Doos calendar. Just to give you a head start, the jingle goes like this:
"I'm a Super Duper Pooper, I know when I have to go. Take a bow I'm a big kid now. I'm the best Pooper you know!"
For that more mature friend or relative of yours who likes his poop with a dollop of science, may I suggest the E. coli Infection Tie, available through www.med-psych.net/doctor-gifts for $39.95. The pattern on this all-silk beauty is a photomicrograph of E. coli, an infectious organism in poop. If you want to collect the whole set, anthrax, plague, cholera and HIV/AIDS are some of the other colorful patterns available. (If this seems horribly insensitive to you, be advised that a portion of the sale proceeds goes to research and education.)
My final gift recommendation does not actually involve poop, unless it makes you involuntarily do it, which is entirely possible. It is called Shocking Roulette and it is available through www.fullofitawards.co.uk for $23.08. Advertised as a way to "test your Christmas nerves" (getting the attention of a clerk at a department store is apparently not enough of a test anymore), Shocking Roulette involves four players, each of whom places a finger in a slot. The roulette wheel is spun and a random victim receives an electric shock, goes into cardiac arrest and dies. (I am making that last part up, I sincerely hope.)
Still, I think it's kind of nice when four good friends can get together over the holidays and send small electrical currents through each other's bodies.
It would easily be an improvement over fruitcake, but still not quite as exciting as a Candy Pooping Pig.
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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
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