Jewish World Review August 12, 2003 / 14 Menachem-Av, 5763
Don't call me
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | We were having a cookout in the backyard when the phone rang. I answered it and the man on the other end said he was offering me a free trip to Florida.
I screamed an obscenity and hung up.
Just as I was about to cook the hamburgers, the phone rang again and the man said, "I could have been a robber. You wouldn't know it unless you had our security system in your house."
I said, "Do you watch 'The Sopranos?'"
He said, "I do."
"Do you know what Tony Soprano calls someone he doesn't like? Well that's what I am calling you."
I turned the hamburgers over. My friend Wolf said, "You don't fool around when it come to junk calls."
"Why shouldn't I tell them off? They ring me when I'm in the bathtub, when I'm watching a ballgame and when I am having an argument with my kid."
Wolf said, "You know they passed the 'Do Not Call' law. You can get on a list and if a marketer calls you, he could be fined thousands of dollars."
"How do I get on it?"
"It doesn't start until Oct. 1."
The phone rang again. Before the person spoke, I said, "I hope you get Lyme disease." There was a pause and I heard a voice say, "Is that any way to talk to your mother?"
"Mom, I didn't know it was you. I thought it was a junk call."
"Do I sound like a junk caller?"
"Of course you don't. After all, you're my mother."
"Well, if you ever wish me Lyme disease again, I'm going to hang up on you."
I said to Wolf, "That was my mother. Can I put her on my 'Don't Call' list?"
Wolf said, "I don't think so - she's not a telemarketer."
Someone said, "You burned the frankfurters."
Wolf said, "The junk phone people are fighting back. They say the 'Don't Call' list is a violation of the Constitution because they are entitled to freedom of speech."
I said, "What about my freedom of speech?"
"They have gone to court and asked for an injunction to stop the list from being enforced."
"I hope they lose."
I put baked potatoes on the grill and the phone rang. Wolf said, "Don't answer it."
"What if it's my mother testing me?"
"I never thought of that."
I picked up the phone. The lady said, "This is your last chance to get 50 percent off on a hot tub."
Since she was a woman, I was polite. "I don't need one."
"If you bought a hot tub, I could come over and we could drink martinis and soak in the hot water."
I said, "It was nice talking to you."
Wolf said, "What was that all about?"
I said, "Some junk calls are better than others."
Enjoy this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
08/08/03: Man vs. computer