Art Buchwald
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | It is not as easy to knock off Saddam Hussein as the people in Washington may want you to think.
I met Oliver Baxter III, who works for the CIA, at the bus stop outside of Langley. "What's going on inside?"
He said, "Are you cleared for top security?"
"I wouldn't be standing waiting for a bus if I wasn't," I said. "What's going on?"
"Well, we have just discovered there is more than one Saddam Hussein. He has lots of doubles. We are still not sure which is the real one, because everyone in Hussein's government looks alike. At least we've narrowed it down."
"What do you know so far?" I asked.
"Well, one of the Saddams has a mistress named Samira Shahbandar, and he sleeps in a different place every night."
"Because of security?"
"No, because he doesn't want Mrs. Hussein to find out about her."
"What is Mrs. Hussein like?" I asked.
"She is high maintenance. She has dyed blond hair, wears Western clothes, and she is terribly jealous. Saddam is her first cousin. She is known in Iraq as Sajida Khayrallah. We now know they have had a stormy marriage for 32 years."
He continued, "One of the Saddams is a big spender. Sajida doesn't know it, but every time he buys a piece of jewelry for his wife, he also buys one for his mistress."
"Why don't you think he's the real one?"
"Because if he was, Sajida would kill him."
"What about the Saddam who is always on TV shooting off his rifle into the air?"
"Have you noticed he never shoots down a pigeon?"
"That could be a smoking gun," I said. "What about the Saddam we see pictured at a cabinet meeting?"
"Have you noticed the cabinet treats him with no respect?"
"The real Saddam could be the one that shows up at anti-American demonstrations and burns the American flag," I suggested.
"It would be very dangerous for the real one to show up because we might take a pot shot at him."
"The plot thickens," I said.
"The one we are taking a careful look at is the 'Saddam in the Bunker' theory. We know Hussein was a big fan of Hitler's, and Saddam knows he could end up the way Adolph did."
"Including hanging out with his mistress?" I asked.
"Possibly. We know Mrs. Hussein. She would never live in a bunker."
"Hussein has a son named Uday who is a terrible man. Does he have a double too?"
"Yes, but we don't know if the real Uday is a drunk driver or chases Iraqi girls."
"He does both. Question. If there are so many Saddam impersonators and we don't know who the real one is, does that mean we have to carpet bomb Baghdad?"
"That's probably one of Bush's major options."
Just then the bus pulled up. As we got on, the bus driver, who knew Langley very well, said, "Watch your step."
Like this writer's work? Why not sign-up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Art Buchwald's latest book is "We'll Laugh again." To commnt on his column click here.
10/01/02: To shred or not to shred
09/20/02: Plea-bargaining crime
09/17/02: Jack and Jane
09/12/02: Signing books is half the fun
09/10/02: To lose one's center
09/05/02: Moot court
08/29/02: I spy-you-spy
08/27/02: No smoking --- I love you
08/23/02: Ashes to ashes
08/14/02: Wall Street good news
08/09/02: Things in my attic
08/01/02: Damage control
08/01/02: Another icon
07/30/02: Draft all the lawyers
07/25/02: House for rent
07/23/02: Doin' time
07/19/02: The loophole game
07/16/02: Money as a game
07/11/02: Just desserts
07/02/02: So you want to win?
06/19/02: Homeland security parking
06/13/02: The Accused
06/11/02: Don't let them know
06/06/02: The FBI changes its ways
06/04/02: RED ALERT
05/28/02: Malice On Purpose: I'm scared!
05/23/02: Barbie Doll
05/21/02: Why Bermuda?
05/19/02: White collar prisons
05/15/02: Those in depression
05/09/02: Mother's Day in the market
05/07/02: Salary negotiations
04/26/02: Homeland security
04/24/02: The greatest breakthrough
04/18/02: Conflict of Interest
04/15/02: The Sign That Couldn't
04/11/02: It's Cherry Blossom Time
04/08/02: The Young Audience
03/31/02: Safe Deposit for Sale
03/26/02: Au Revoir to Soft Money
03/21/02: Andersen Defense Fund?
03/19/02: Celebrity kickers
03/15/02: A Mickey Mouse solution
03/13/02: Shadow government in the sandbox
03/07/02: The Way It Is
03/05/02: Not telling the truth
03/01/02: Book flogging
02/27/02: The players are mad