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Jewish World Review Feb. 2, 2001 / 9 Shevat, 5761

Joe Weasel

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Consumer Reports


Trying on pants

http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- A NUMBER of things happen in a man's life that he must face as he goes through "the change." Take the waistline and shopping for pants.

Now, for years I've been a size 34. Having a 34-inch waist is kind of a badge of honor for a middle-aged guy. This is especially true when we men go shopping.

Most of us shop alone so we can buy rather than wander around a shopping mall with our wives, "looking."

"Looking" is a pastime for women only. Men don't look. We buy and get out of there as though we are playing a bit role in "The Dirty Dozen."

We and our wives part, and then we head to the clothing department in places such as Marshall Fields or The Gap. There we usually find a young lady wearing a Britney Spears headset waiting to help us. The young woman looks as though she is either working her way through college or earning a few extra bucks to help pay her dues at the Tri-Delt house.

She's eager to help, because deep down we men know we haven't really aged that much. We've still got it, and that poor kid knows it. We may be 40 and drive a Volvo wagon, but, gosh, we still look pretty good.

I mean, Ryan O'Neil is, like, 80, and he's still looking good. Rumor has it he was 46 when he played the part of Oliver, that rich college stud in "Love Story."

Part of feeling good is looking good, and I feel pretty good. Heck, it's only February, and I've already begun, quit, then begun and quit two different exercise programs.

"Hi, can I help you find something?" said the girl wearing the Britney Spears headset. Her voice was so sweet, I could tell that before she greeted me, she had been talking to her co-workers and said, "Back off, this guy is mine!"

"Well, sure you can help me. I'm looking for a new pair of pants." I said.

"You're in luck. We're having our annual winter close-out special on stone-washed jeans, and over there are relaxed-fit chinos ... uh, can I help you pick out a size?"

"Oh, I'm a 34-34. I've been that size since college."

"There you go," she said pulling out a pair of loose-fit jeans from under a stack. "You might want to try those on."

What did she mean by that? What does "you might want to try those on" really insinuate?

I'll show her.

I went to the dressing room and proceeded to try the 34-inch pants on. After all of those weeks on the Sugar Buster diet, I was almost positive that I'd be drowning in 34-inch jeans and would need to move down to 32.

Maybe that is what the kid really meant.

Tragically, I discovered something about the clothing industry while standing there with the pants pulled up to my knees. My waist was fine, but the shaping of the pants was a size or two too small for the muscle buildup in my butt.

So I put my own pants back on and did the honorable thing. I found Britney and told her that the jeans were mislabeled and that she might want to warn other men about this sudden change in the way the Docker company is cutting its pants.

"Oh, really?" she said. "I've been here about six months, and I think that does happen to guys your age."

What was that supposed to mean? Was she implying that my eyesight was poor or that I didn't know my own size?

"Would you like me to measure you, just to make sure?" she asked.

There are a couple of things men never do in public: We don't ask for directions, and we never, I mean never, ask anyone to take a measuring tape to our midsection in public.

I'm telling you, I could hear the song "To Sir With Love" ringing in my head.

The poor girl. She wanted to measure me in the worst way.

What would people think if they walked in and there was a young coed, who was born during the Reagan administration, with her arms wrapped around me? No, I've got standards. I've got a family to think about.

I let the kid down easy. I bought a pair of pants with a 36-inch waist. Heck, the way the dry cleaner works, they will shrink like the rest of my pants have, and everything will eventually work itself out.

Joe Weasel is a humor columnist, radio commentator and speaker. Comment by clicking here.

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01/26/01: Boys will be boys ... especially at my house

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