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Jewish World Review Feb. 13, 2001 / 20 Shevat, 5761

Julia Gorin

Julia
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Can We Survive George W.? An Essay by Joe American

http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
THE next four years are gonna be rough, man. He’s been in office for three weeks already, and the new guy has yet to rape, harass or expose himself to anyone. Is he an alien? Could he at least cheat on his wife maybe? Talk about being out of synch with the American people! Is he not human? Does he not feel? Does he not lust?

Should I not lust? Really! I mean, where does this leave us, the public? Bush doesn’t represent me! I embrace my flaws -- ok, my vices. Who does he think he is? Mr. Perfect?

What sort of message will this send to our kids? What -- they gotta be perfect too? We can’t expose them to that kind of pressure! And what’s all this about returning integrity to the Oval Office? They’re like puritans, man, puritans!

What was that inauguration speech anyway? What was he talking about? Something ‘bout choosing citizenship over self-interest? What language is he speaking? I don’t get this guy.

Now Clinton, on the other hand. I got Bill Clinton. The man had flaws. That’s something I could relate to. And he got me. That guy was in touch. Ok, maybe a bit literally sometimes. But he knew his tunes, his reads, his chicks, his eats. That’s what a president’s supposed to be -- like a buddy.

I’ll miss that guy, boy. Before he came along, the presidency seemed so complicated. He made it a party -- and everyone was invited. He made the presidency accessible, man -- that’s the key. He made you feel you could just walk right up to him and shake his hand. Just ask his frustrated security people.

And he made it so easy to be a good person -- just by lowering the bar.

But now we’ve got a president whose zipper stays up. What’s there gonna be to talk about? Are we gonna have to start understanding the issues? I mean, sex was easy to defend. But vouchers for school kids?

Not that a politician’s sex life is any of our business (I’ve got my principles). Unless it’s not there, for crissakes! (or monogamous, whatever).

It’s not natural, man. Charisma without a roving eye? Who ever heard of that? What kind of perverse combination is that? That’s why Al Gore made more sense to me. Yeah, he kept it in his pants too, but he was a boring guy. That fits. That adds up. Bush doesn’t.

He’s just like his old man. Boy was that guy out of touch! Remember when he was at the supermarket and he didn’t know what a UPC symbol was? Woah. How can you be the leader of the free world and not know what a UPC symbol’s for? Scary, man, scary.

And what reforms does his genius son choose to tackle first? Instead of doing righteous stuff like letting ex-cons vote, increasing spending, providing school teachers with limos, cooling the globe, outlawing religion, kissing the Arab guy, lowering the age of consent or making abortions mandatory, what does this kook try to do? Lower taxes, let poor kids get private school educations, move an embassy to Jerusalem, cut off funding abortions for abroad, and, get ready, put teeth into missile defense?! Armageddon is upon us!

Dude! National security actually means something to this dude; he’s getting tough on the rest of the world. That’s not cool. That’s not the kind of testosterone I can relate to. I mean, what is national security, anyway? Isn’t that just something the bad guy says in the movies? The only time Clinton brought that stuff up was when he declared AIDS a threat to our security. That I could dig.

And who’s his new attorney general guy that’s been going around saying abortion’s not cool. How does he know? Who’s he to say what’s cool and what’s not cool?

Clinton played the game better, man. He got politics; he didn’t get policy. And that’s okay. Because neither did I. And why should we expect more from a president than we do from ourselves? He’s just a man. A man who represents me: Joe American. Wherever my head’s at, that’s where the president’s ought to be too. Just be in touch, man.

But I’m gonna look on the sunny side here: ‘Cause like as soon as we get rid of that electoral college garbage and return power to the will of the mob -- I mean the people -- and, like if W.’s education plan works and all Democrats become literate enough to punch the right hole in 2004, we’ll vote that misfit right out of office.



JWR contributor Julia Gorin is a journalist and stand-up comic residing in Manhattan. Send your comments by clicking here.

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© 2000, Julia Gorin