They are that magical couple about whom most of Washington D.C.'s commentariat have been in agreement ever since John F. Harris wrote his definitive book, "The Survivor: Bill Clinton in the White House." In that 2005 book, he wrote that the Clintons have been "the two most important political figures of their generation." The pundits believed this throughout the 1990s, when Bill Clinton was impeached, and both he and Hillary Clinton were linked to one scandal after another. They also believed it throughout the 2000s, when the Clintons were making millions in dubious undertakings. And they even believed it in recent years: in the months leading up to the 2008 presidential nomination, when Hillary Clinton lost to a community organizer; and in the years 2015 and 2016, when she lost again, this time to a man who had never held political office. Yet now I am really worried about the Clintons, and I have never been what you might call a big fan.
Start with Bill. He is losing his hair, and possibly his teeth. He looks like mere skin and bones. He has not been seen at his old haunts for a long time — my agents have been on the lookout. At first I thought he might be patching things up with Monica Lewinsky. One never knows. I always thought they made a cute couple. Rather, I imagined them to make a cute couple. I never really saw them together, except on a rope line — she wearing a chic beret; he wearing a tie that later became property of the independent counsel, if memory serves. Now she is the leader of an anti-bullying camorra, which might serve as a front for him if his foundation were to ever run aground. Would Hillary object if Bill were to raise money for Monica's group? I cannot imagine it, especially if Hillary were to get a cut of the take.
This is mere speculation on my part. What we do know is that Bill Clinton has been out of the headlines for months, and when an energetic paparazzo does snap a picture of him, he is no longer wearing those snazzy gym shorts of his White House days or munching on a greasy Big Mac. He looks like he could use a walker. Obviously, recreational sex is not as salubrious as the therapist Hugh Hefner told us in the 1960s. Think of today's woebegone Bill Cosby, who's disporting in yesteryear at the Playboy mansion.
As for Hillary Clinton, she is not holding up well at all. I thought she would have been a gracious loser. After all, as I have alluded to, she is not unfamiliar with losing, and losing to a political newcomer to boot. Why could she not say, "Well done, Donald"? Or "Serve the country well"? Or "Call on me anytime"? Or "Perhaps in 2020 we will nominate a younger candidate, say, Elizabeth Warren. Or maybe Chelsea"?
There are a lot of possibilities out there among the Democrats, and many of them, like Hillary Clinton, come from the misandry wing of the party. Dear reader, you do not know what misandry means? Well, if you know what misogyny means — hatred of women — you ought to know what its opposite is: misandry, hatred of men. Anyone familiar with Clinton's top 10 reasons why she lost to Donald Trump has heard her use the word "misogyny."
While speaking to a credulous gathering of distraught supporters recently, Clinton explained that along with such enormities as the Russians, former FBI Director James Comey, "voter suppression" and "unaccountable money flowing in" against her, there was "misogyny." The misandry wing of the Democratic Party is increasingly making its voice heard, and in the last election, Clinton spoke for all of them.
I guess she has good reason to hate men. Yet not every woman in America comes with a Bill Clinton problem, or an Anthony Weiner problem, or a John Edwards problem, or an Eliot Spitzer problem, or a Gary Hart problem or, forget not, a very big Teddy Kennedy problem. There is adultery in both parties, but it is rampant in Hillary Clinton's party, and with it comes a lot of misandry.
Yet, as I say, now I am concerned for both Bill and Hillary Clinton, and even Chelsea Clinton. She seems to think that she has in her genetic endowment Bill Clinton's gene for politics. Chelsea, if I may call you Chelsea, ignore this temptation. You are your mother's child. You have her charm, her gift for couture and so on. Also, you are fantasizing along with your parents that American politics has not changed. It has. When Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton, he opened up a whole new chapter in American political life. Bill and Hillary, your time has come and gone. Retire to a health spa. To lift a line from the Meyer Lansky stand-in used in "The Godfather Part II," "Good health is the most important thing ... more important than money ... more important than power."
Actually, Lansky would have been an appropriate mentor for the Clintons all along.