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Jewish World Review April 19, 2004 / 29 Nissan, 5764

Roger Simon

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Simon says ... | The longer you are willing to wait for a cup of coffee, the more you need to re-examine your life.

Next time Condoleezza Rice testifies in front of a commission, they ought to install a shot clock. She really knows how to run out the time.

I don't understand the TiVo craze. I can barely find anything to watch on TV, let alone anything to record.

We all know that Rutherford B. Hayes was the first president to hold an Easter egg roll on the White House lawn in 1878. But did you know that Lucy Webb Hayes was the first wife of a president to be called "first lady"? I wonder what they called them before that. Hey, you?

Raisins covered with dark chocolate may be the best food ever invented.

Civilizations go into decline when they stop making their libraries grand.

It seems pretty clear that if any organization is going to take it on the chin in the final Sept. 11 Commission report, it is going to be the FBI.

Thank goodness cigar snobbery is over. Can wine snobbery be far behind?

According to MSNBC, some of our troops in Iraq report they are "chronically short of ammo" during firefights. We have been occupying the country for more than a year and we can't get our troops enough ammo? And is there any relationship between that and the fact that 48 Americans were killed there last week?

Yet another thing I have in common with Tony Soprano: We both watch the History Channel.

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Unlike all other witnesses before the Sept. 11 Commission, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney will be allowed -- at their insistence -- to testify together. So have they established a set of secret signals? If Cheney gives Bush one kick under the table, it might mean Bush should say, "Nobody briefed me." If Cheney gives him two kicks, it might mean he should say, "Nobody briefed Cheney." And if he gives him three kicks, it might mean he should say, "It's all Dick Clarke's fault."

Is John Kerry still running for president?

And contrary to what some think, I think Bob Kerrey improved his chances of making John Kerry's vice presidential short-list through his questioning of witnesses before the Sept. 11 Commission.

Quick, which costs more: A gallon of gas or a gallon of milk? (Answer: Just be happy your car doesn't run on skim or 2 percent.)

As we all know, dealing with human beings is just not worth it. That is why we prefer ATMs to dealing with bank tellers. So when I learned I had to fill out an IRS form that I never heard of, I tried to follow the IRS phone instructions for getting the form by fax. But that didn't work, because I was not calling from my fax line. OK, so how about downloading the form from the Internet? Forget it. The form you can download is only a sample and cannot be used for actual filing. In desperation, I pressed the phone button to talk to a human being. And an IRS human being answered instantly! He took my name and address, and said he would mail the form. Could human beings be staging a comeback?

Jon Stewart is right: In China, they call "Chinese food" food.

The New York Times headline that caused sweaty palms at the White House Sunday was not the page one headline that read: "Pre-9/11 Secret Briefing Said That Qaeda Was Active in U.S." It was the page 14 headline that read: "Among Military Families, Questions About Bush."

How unlikely can you get? Janet Jackson was actually funny on "Saturday Night Live" last week.

Bumper sticker of the month: "How Come We Choose From Only 2 People for President, but 50 for Miss America?"

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