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Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2000 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan, 5761
James Lileks
This is not as ridiculous a point as it seems. The movie is a noisy,
enjoyable piece of effervescent drivel that's the perfect antidote for the
miserable business of the last week. But it also features a small role by
comedian Tom Green, whose character's name has particular resonance:
The Chad.
Really. Green -- who's less amusing than usual in the film, if such a
thing is possible -- plays a dim dork who refers to himself in the third
person. "Was it The Chad?" he asks when one of the Angels rejects him.
"It might have been the Chad," she replies.
This ought to be the catchphrase of the day, given the prominence The
Chad suddenly played in our nation's history. The course of the nation
hinged on a tiny piece of paper named after a fish. Armies of highly trained
Chad Adjudicators held ballots to the light, making Karnak-like expressions
as they discerned the voter's intention from a tiny indentation. Was there a
vestigial Chad in the Democrat position? Score one for Gore. Was the ballot
perforated a dozen times to create a pattern in the shape of the Big Dipper?
Well, Dipper rhymes with Tipper. Score one for Gore. A Chad in the Buchanan
spot? Well, as we all know, anyone who voted for Pitchfork Pat obviously
meant to vote for Gore. Even if they scrawled DEATH TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER
on the ballot.
A Chad in the Nader location? Well, the sorry morons would they'd vote for
Gore now, since they've seen what their apostasy has wrought, so let's just
save them the trouble.
A hole punched for Bush, clean, right where it should be, with no Chad
whatsoever - Look! Over there! It's Elvis! Naked! On a Unicorn! Spitting
silver dollars! Oh - guess not. A trick of the light. my, look at this, I
spilled black ink all over this stack of ballots. Well, they was for Gore.
Trust me.
This is just how we want our elections decided: not by laws, but by Chad
Dowsers.
Even when the votes are totaled correctly and the winner is installed in
the Oval Office, the nation will still be split. That's hardly news. Half
the country was probably disapproving of George Washington, Jefferson and
the rest of those crazed right-wing black-carriage types. The nation had a
minor disagreement of opinion over whether human beings could be considered
property. There was also a bit of a split over the legality of a humble mug
of beer. Today, the older half wants the younger half to pick up the cost
of their drugs, retirement costs, Winnebago oil changes, etc. If you look
closely at the nation, why, we're at each other's throats on a hundred
issues.
Good. That's what we want. Lockstep unanimity often leads to late-night
rallies with torches and uniforms. But we have to agree on some basic
principles, and one of them is the rule of law. Or, to be more specific:
whether the law represents an imperfect reflection of a perfect truth - or
whether it's just a billyclub to use on your enemies.
The average Democrat believes in the law. They want the law to live up
to its own premises of fairness and equality. More and more, however, Dems
are led by activists who regard the law as an anachronistic obstruction, a
socially constructed concept that merely reflects the needs of the pale-male
elite. It has no more inherent legitimacy or moral imperative than a TV
schedule. The rules don't matter. What counts is winning the game.
Warren Christopher and other old-school pols believe in winning - but
they don't seem to realize, or care, that they're doing spadework for
nihilists. There's a wing of the Democrat party that wants everyone
arranged by group identity, with all groups orbiting one another in
mandatory harmony, feeding off the corpse of whatever economy is left. You
can't get there if Bush loosens the leash. You can't get there unless
statists keep power by whatever means they can.
When we look back some day, and wonder exactly why the rule of law seems
to have been replaced by whims and arbitrary diktats, we can ask: Was it the
Chad? It was. Tom Green, Al Gore: our new
11/08/00: The strangest political night
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