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Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2000 / 10 Kislev, 5761

James Lileks

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Consumer Reports


At the Sore/Loserman Transition HQ


http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- MIDNIGHT, Gore Transition HQ. Present: Al Gore, Joe Lieberman, several trusted aides.

Gore: Alright, let's begin. Strategy. We've had some setbacks. Suggestions?

(Silence. The aides exchange brief glances.)

Aide #1: Well, I have an idea. It's, um, a little chancy, but if we run it past the lawyers first, have the focus groups see whether it flies or flops, and get the memo out to all the useful idiots for the Sunday shows, I think we can own the weekend news cycle if you call the press, give everyone a coupon for a free cone at Baskin Robbins, thank them for their time, and concede.

Gore (blinking rapidly) : Any flavor? Or all 31?

Aide #2: That would be any flavor, sir, up to and including Spumoni. Where available.

Gore (relieved): I don't like spumoni. Forget it. Let's spend our time on productive matters, boys; there are still a dozen details we haven't addressed. Okay: Green is the bunting color for the inaugural party: check. All the vehicles in the inaugural parade will be solar-powered: check. In the event it's a cloudy day and the vehicles don't run, we have David Boies break up the Weather Channel on antitrust grounds: check. Anything else? Oh - Secretary of State. We didn't do cabinet posts. Any names? Some people have suggested Bill Clinton -

(Silence. The aides exchange brief glances.)

Gore: Some people have also suggested that I stab sharpened pencils in my eye. I don't think so. (He leans back, puts his hands on the table.) In fact, I'm considering having Bill arrested after I take the oath. I'm going to have him assume the position. I'll frisk him right on national TV and find a crack pipe, or something, and have him arrested. That way I wouldn't have to deal with him sticking his big red schnozz in my administration every other day, and it would just take all the fight out of the Republicans. Al Gore does in a minute what they couldn't do in eight years! (Silence. The aides sigh.)

Gore: Sorry, boys. It's the Alpha male in me coming out. Wooo, as the wolves say! So. Secretary of State. Not Warren Christopher. He has denture breath -

Aide #1: Sir, George Bush has been certified the winner of the election by Florida. The Supreme Court, the Florida legislature, and half a dozen judges in half a dozen cases have ruled against you. The American people have gravitated towards the inevitability of a Bush presidency -

Gore: Why? Do the American people realize that I won? Why, once we count every vote - (Gore gets a faraway look; the aides shift nervously in their seats; Gore then begins to sing to the tune of "Climb Every Mountain": ) Count every ballot / Look really mad / Claim disenfranchisement / of the unborn chad! / Count every ballot / File in ev'ry court / Dershowitz and Daley / Justify my torts -

Aide #3: Sir, the legal appeals aren't working. One, you're losing them all. Two, they make you look desperate. Three - and I think this is key - George Bush was sworn in as President a few hours ago.

(Gore stares out the window, seemingly lost in thought as he regards what he believes is the Washington Monument, but is actually a decal of the famous obelisk pasted on the window of this suburban Nashville office building.)

Gore: Yes . . . I heard rumors to that effect. That's why I convened this meeting. Clearly we need a new strategy. Joe? You've been quiet. Any ideas?

(Lieberman is silent. Gore leans over, jabs Lieberman with his pen. Lieberman pops, rises from his chair, flies around the room and ends up in the corner in heap.)

Gore: A - a balloon? How long has he been a balloon?

Aide #2: Since the week after the election. He had some Senate business to attend to. We didn't want to tell you, sir. Gore: But - but he's been talking! I heard him!

Aide #1: That was me, sir, wearing a clothespin on my nose.

Gore: So - who are you fellows? You're my campaign workers, right?

Aide #1: I'm actually a Newsweek stringer doing some follow-up fact checking.

Aide #2: (removes fake moustache) I'm one of your daughters. We couldn't stand to see you suffer.

Gore: So - so I'm alone.

Aide #3: (removes mask, revealing Bill Clinton) Not hardly, buddy. Like I always said, Al - Ah'm goin' down in history. And Ah'm takin' you with me.



JWR contributor James Lileks is a columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Comment by clicking here.

Up

12/01/00: The Count of Carthage
11/28/00: Clinton knows history isn't written by the victors anymore
11/17/00: Chad's the word
11/08/00: The strangest political night
11/07/00: Get ready to return to the Dark Ages

© 2000, James Lileks