|
Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2000 / 10 Kislev, 5761
James Lileks
Gore: Alright, let's begin. Strategy. We've had some setbacks. Suggestions?
(Silence. The aides exchange brief glances.)
Aide #1: Well, I have an idea. It's, um, a little chancy, but if we run it
past the lawyers first, have the focus groups see whether it flies or flops,
and get the memo out to all the useful idiots for the Sunday shows, I think
we can own the weekend news cycle if you call the press, give everyone a
coupon for a free cone at Baskin Robbins, thank them for their time, and
concede.
Gore (blinking rapidly) : Any flavor? Or all 31?
Aide #2: That would be any flavor, sir, up to and including Spumoni. Where
available.
Gore (relieved): I don't like spumoni. Forget it. Let's spend our time on
productive matters, boys; there are still a dozen details we haven't
addressed. Okay: Green is the bunting color for the inaugural party:
check. All the vehicles in the inaugural parade will be solar-powered:
check. In the event it's a cloudy day and the vehicles don't run, we have
David Boies break up the Weather Channel on antitrust grounds: check.
Anything else? Oh - Secretary of State. We didn't do cabinet posts. Any
names? Some people have suggested Bill Clinton -
(Silence. The aides exchange brief glances.)
Gore: Some people have also suggested that I stab sharpened pencils in my
eye. I don't think so. (He leans back, puts his hands on the table.) In
fact, I'm considering having Bill arrested after I take the oath. I'm going
to have him assume the position. I'll frisk him right on national TV and
find a crack pipe, or something, and have him arrested. That way I wouldn't
have to deal with him sticking his big red schnozz in my administration
every other day, and it would just take all the fight out of the
Republicans. Al Gore does in a minute what they couldn't do in eight years!
(Silence. The aides sigh.)
Gore: Sorry, boys. It's the Alpha male in me coming out. Wooo, as the wolves
say! So. Secretary of State. Not Warren Christopher. He has denture breath -
Aide #1: Sir, George Bush has been certified the winner of the election by
Florida. The Supreme Court, the Florida legislature, and half a dozen
judges in half a dozen cases have ruled against you. The American people
have gravitated towards the inevitability of a Bush presidency -
Gore: Why? Do the American people realize that I won? Why, once we count
every vote - (Gore gets a faraway look; the aides shift nervously in their
seats; Gore then begins to sing to the tune of "Climb Every Mountain": )
Count every ballot / Look really mad / Claim disenfranchisement / of the
unborn chad! / Count every ballot / File in ev'ry court / Dershowitz and
Daley / Justify my torts -
Aide #3: Sir, the legal appeals aren't working. One, you're losing them all.
Two, they make you look desperate. Three - and I think this is key - George
Bush was sworn in as President a few hours ago.
(Gore stares out the window, seemingly lost in thought as he regards what he
believes is the Washington Monument, but is actually a decal of the famous
obelisk pasted on the window of this suburban Nashville office building.)
Gore: Yes . . . I heard rumors to that effect. That's why I convened this
meeting. Clearly we need a new strategy. Joe? You've been quiet. Any ideas?
(Lieberman is silent. Gore leans over, jabs Lieberman with his pen.
Lieberman pops, rises from his chair, flies around the room and ends up in
the corner in heap.)
Gore: A - a balloon? How long has he been a balloon?
Aide #2: Since the week after the election. He had some Senate business to
attend to. We didn't want to tell you, sir.
Gore: But - but he's been talking! I heard him!
Aide #1: That was me, sir, wearing a clothespin on my nose.
Gore: So - who are you fellows? You're my campaign workers, right?
Aide #1: I'm actually a Newsweek stringer doing some follow-up fact
checking.
Aide #2: (removes fake moustache) I'm one of your daughters. We couldn't
stand to see you suffer.
Gore: So - so I'm alone.
Aide #3: (removes mask, revealing Bill Clinton) Not hardly, buddy. Like I
always said, Al - Ah'm goin' down in history. And Ah'm takin' you with
12/01/00: The Count of Carthage
|