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Jewish World Review Oct. 11, 2004 / 26 Tishrei, 5765

Tom Purcell

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Afghani guys are doomed | Women finally got a chance to vote in Afghanistan on Saturday and some Afghani men aren't happy about it.

"In my village, people think it's very bad for women to get involved [in voting], "Haji Abdullah Jan said in an AP report. "If we let them out, they will soon be demanding all kinds of things."

My friend, you have no idea.

Men used to hold women back in America. That is, while women quietly ran things, they pretended men were in charge. But in 1920 they won the right to vote and things sure have changed since then.

If my country is any indication, your country is in for a lot of change. Women will soon be marching in the streets. They'll be burning their burkas. They'll demand, and get, the equality that is rightfully theirs.

And as the enormous potential of the superior sex is unleashed, you better strap on your seat belts. You see, boys, unlike you, we American men know a thing or two about women who are free to be what they want.

We've dated them, married them and been divorced by them. We've studied with them and fallen behind them. We've worked with them and been fired by them. And throughout it all, only one thing has been clear: women puzzle the hell out of us.

Women are smarter than we are. F. Scott Fitzgerald said the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas at the same time and still retain the ability to function. Well, men can barely hang on to one idea, but women? They hold seven or eight contradictory thoughts and still are able to run the country, have their nails done and yell at us for everything we've done wrong since the night they met us.

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And, boy, are they going to come after you guys for the things you've done wrong. All those beatings, stonings, killings and jail sentences — they'll remember every slight going back to the 6th century, and you're going to pay for every one of them.

I'm telling you now, boys, you better learn how to beg, plead and ask forgiveness. You better learn to lie, too. When your wife asks you if her clothing makes her look fat, you better say, "No, dear, you are thinner than a fig leaf." And when she accuses you of anything, you better say, "Yes, dear, I did it, I was wrong, I will never do it again." Then immediately commence begging, pleading and asking forgiveness.

Your politicians are in for a rude awakening, too. In a democracy, mullahs won't rule, women will. Take America. Many male voters are for Bush because we think as he does — no complications, no nuances, no hemming and hawing.

But women voters? Their thinking has more complications than a Kerry statement. They force politicians to offer programs for families or working moms, promise not to send their kids to war and give them piles of dough to take care of their elderly parents.

Heck, during the 2000 election, Bush had things locked up until THE KISS — the one in which Al Gore looked like he was trying to eat his wife's head. Thanks to women voters, Tipper was still wiping off slobber while votes were being counted in Florida.

Perhaps, my Afghani friends, you know women better than we do. Perhaps you've always known they are smarter, more nuanced and more powerful than men. That's why you've beat them down and locked them up.

But the jig is up, boys. No longer is there a place in the world for your repressive ways. Your women have voted and a massive transformation will shortly take place. You'll soon be in a perpetual state of confusion, haplessness and longing to please.

That's why your culture is going to have to embrace another big change, something American men have been forced to master. You're going to have to learn to drink.

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© 2004 Tom Purcell