Jewish World Review August 6, 2004 / 19 Menachem-Av, 5764
Hair-flicking moves too much for public eye
Our oldest daughter often has obstructed vision due to an exceptionally long unmanageable curl that frequently blocks the left side of her face. Our youngest daughter often hides one eye behind a long, shock of brown hair that she is fond of letting tumble forward and using as a whisk broom. It works great for table crumbs and small cobwebs.
Laura Bush knew what she was doing when she told her daughters to stand up straight and keep their hair out of their faces when they hit the campaign trail with their dad.
They are not the only ones who could use that advice.
When Barbra Streisand was on "Oprah" last year she kept raising both hands simultaneously and tucking her hair behind her ears every five seconds. It was so annoying I was waiting for a producer to dart on stage and duct-tape her arms to the chair.
Kelly What's-her-name who sits beside Regis has turned hair-tucking into a virtual chair dance. She continually alternates the right hand tucking hair behind the right ear with the left hand tucking hair behind the left ear. All done to a steady 4/4 beat, it looks like an additional step to the Macarena.
And then there's Martha Stewart. Rarely does she cross my television screen that I don't look at her and think: Woman, you are talented enough to prune oak trees, trim boxwoods and shape topiaries, so why can't you cut those bangs?
When Teresa Heinz Kerry appeared alongside her husband as he announced his running mate, I was startled as she ran her fingers through her hair and pulled it way out to the side and let it slowly fall. Twice. I thought it a puzzling move for a woman who knew she was on camera. Then I realized she was probably soliciting a contribution from Herbal Essence or L'Oreal.
Those who constantly tuck hair behind their ears and run their fingers through it are nothing compared to those who flick their hair. Cher is the one who first perfected this art in her stand-up routines with Sonny. (It turns out the man wasn't short, he just stood on his knees to avoid being lashed by her hair.)
To this day that woman can bob, weave, and jerk a mass of tresses behind her with enough force to slice a cinder block in half.
The Olsen twins have hair flicking down to a neat two-step bob and swoosh. Head forward, head to the right and back. (Please don't try this at home.) Big trucks beep before they throw it into reverse; with hair-flickers you have no warning. As an unintended victim, there are several ways to protect yourself when you see the bob and swoosh about to commence. You can thrust your forearm in front of your face, lean back as far as possible or simply duck.
You should resist the inclination to issue a referral, mentioning a doctor who can prescribe medication for spasms. I can tell you from experience that your sense of humor will not be appreciated. Hair-flicking is a voluntary movement.
Why someone would volunteer to do the bob and swoosh hours at a time is beyond me, but mine is not to question hair. Mine is to parrot Laura Bush, to say to my girls, stand up straight and keep your hair out of your faces.
But, hey girls, would you mind getting those cake crumbs off the counter first?
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© 2004, Lori Borgman
JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Pass the Faith, Please" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.