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Jewish World Review July 16, 2004 / 27 Tamuz, 5764

Tom Purcell

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The first metrosexual ticket? | I think Washington Whispers is onto something. Kerry and Edwards represent America's first metrosexual ticket.

"They talk about how good their hair looks, they pat each other on the cheek and butt, both wear expensive suits, and the top guy on the Democratic presidential ticket gets his nails done," says the Whispers report.

I'm all for a fellow taking care of himself. A man who dresses well and carries himself as a gentleman projects a quiet dignity. But the metrosexual carries it to the point of obsession.

Metrosexuals, says the New York Times, are straight urban men who are willing, even eager, to embrace their feminine sides. They wear designer jeans, fashionable tops and have long conversations about thread counts. And have their nails done, as does Kerry.

Which got me to thinking. Metrosexuality is the most important issue of this campaign.

On the Republican side are a couple of straight-talking tough guys. They aren't pretty or delicate. They're men of action not words. They may make mistakes and ruffle feathers, but they're decisive, focused and they get things done.

But on the other side are two smooth talkers. Like Clinton, they're able to say what any crowd wants to hear. Every hair falls perfectly in place on these pretty boys' heads. Edwards even said he and Kerry have better hair and he's right. Bush's weathered, sneering mug is topped with a wiry backwoods brush. Most of Cheney's hair is in his bathroom sink. But who has time to worry about hair in the middle of a war? The metrosexual male, that's who.

See, when Bush wipes out on his bike, as he did, he gets back on the bike and rides another dozen miles while chuckling and picking gravel out of his face. But when metros such as Kerry take a spill on their bikes, they blame the road or say a secret service guy cut them off or that the bike malfunctioned. Then they have the bike towed to a shop and hire their wife's lawyers to sue the bike manufacturer.

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Edwards' metrosexuality doesn't trouble me as much Kerry's. At least everything Edwards says and does is natural. Which is why I don't trust him. He successfully smooth-talked a number of juries — comprised of people unable to get out of jury duty or, to be more precise, Democrats — into awarding vast sums to his bank account.

Which brings us back to Cheney. What can you say about Cheney. He wears the same frumpy suits he did during the Ford administration. He's a man of so few words, he even burps one syllable at a time. And when he speaks, he gets right to the point. Just ask Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont.

Though to be fair, Kerry said the F-word, too. He said it during a Rolling Stones interview. The trouble is when he said it, everyone suspected it was contrived.

That's because EVERYTHING the metrosexual male does is contrived. The metrosexual male is always scheming, plotting and manipulating — the way some women used to do — to advance his own gain.

That's why metrosexuality is the defining factor in this race.

In these challenging times, do we want our next president to be left brained, focused and hard charging or do we want a new-age sensitive male who is afraid to offend anyone, because it might affect how he is perceived?

Do we want our enemies to face men of fortitude and action or a couple of guys who will be getting fitted at Brooks Brothers or enjoying a Mary Kaye rubdown when the next terrorist incident goes down?

It's clear to me. We're at war with a bunch of wacko-terrorist religious fanatics. This is no time for Barry Manilow. We need John Wayne. We don't want to be switching horses in the middle of the stream.

Even if the new horses are wearing Bruno Magli saddles, diamond-studded Tiffany spurs and Cristophe-coifed tails.

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© 2004 Tom Purcell