Jewish World ReviewJune 18, 2004 / 29 Sivan, 5764
WANTED: Fathers. Calling men with sporadic bad hearing (you don't want to
hear everything that goes on in this job), one blind eye (if you saw it
all, you'd never sleep at night) and pliable hearts. Driver's license and
working vehicle a must. One major credit card, ATM access and sense of
humor strongly recommended.
SKILLS REQUIRED: No previous experience necessary. All training provided
on-the-job. Background in budgeting, law enforcement and wild game
management considered a plus, but not required. No degrees or certification
necessary. (You make 'em, you raise 'em.)
DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES: Must endure irregular sleep patterns and still
be able to rise from bed, shower, shave, and trudge off to work the next
morning. Must be able to withstand distractions during final minutes of
Sunday afternoon ball games, small children lifting eyelids when you are
sound asleep, and paycheck vaporizing before your eyes.
Must enjoy small chubby hands holding yours, cramming little fat feet into
miniature tennis shoes and answering endless questions about thunder, fire
engines and what makes lightning bugs glow. Must be able to carry small
children on shoulders through shopping malls, know how to make frozen
waffles and retrieve Frisbees from the roof.
Must also be able to make children feel safe and secure. (Not as
hard as it sounds, 90 percent of it is being there.) Must monitor
education, occasionally call kids bluff and stay two steps ahead of someone
half your size.
Must be able how to say "no," "I don't think so," and "when pigs
fly." Must also be able to say, "sure!" "great idea," and "let's do that
Must develop nerves of steel and sharp reflexes as kids learn to ride
bikes without training wheels and parallel park family car.
Must role model what it means to be a man. Must resist being shoved into
background during teen years. Seize opportunities to teach sons how to
treat young ladies and scare the daylights out of the boys dating your
daughters. (NRA membership strongly suggested.)
Must puff chest like penguin when kids cross major thresholds of life
including turning 16, high school graduation, college, tech school,
military service, employment and ability to pay own insurance premiums.
Also responsible for standing by grown daughter wearing white wedding gown.
Must listen for prompt, swallow hard and croak, "Her mother and I do."
PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS: Able to move faster than a speeding bullet and
leap tall buildings in a single bound. Must also possess thick skin, neck
that can bow in prayer and heart capable of giving and receiving love. Also
need knees that do not buckle in labor and delivery or hospital emergency
BENEFITS: Benefits include, but are not limited to, colorful ties, power
tools, outdoor grill accessories, car wax kits and golf memorabilia.
Benefits also include intangibles such as pride, devotion, delight and
quiet satisfaction of knowing you helped shape and mold another human being.
Long-term benefits include understanding that by providing food, shelter,
guidance, boundaries and love, you met your responsibilities and were
faithful to a commitment. Other benefits may include wrinkles, gray hair
and wry smile that comes from seeing child mature into adult, start own
family and develop deeper sense of appreciation for what you did as a dad.
SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS: The ability to stop time and savor the moments in
which you are privileged to open a card, look into another's eyes, or pick
up the phone and hear, "Happy Father's Day."
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© 2004, Lori Borgman
JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Pass the Faith, Please" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.